Parents of the bride tend to rest a bit easier these days, owing to the fact that it is no longer expected that they will pay for their daughter’s wedding.
Indeed, more often than not it’s the couple getting married who fund their happy day all by themselves.
Even though it’s still fairly common for the parents of the bride, as well as the groom, to contribute a portion of the funding, or even foot the entire bill should they so choose.
Redditor honeymooneraita was more than happy to put a sizable sum of money towards their youngest daughter’s wedding, allowing her and her fiancé to make all the decisions.
But when their daughter asked if the money donated by the original poster (OP) could possibly be used for something else, the OP was less than eager to oblige, much to the outrage of their daughter.
Wondering if they were being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For not paying for my daughter’s honeymoon after she canceled her wedding.”
The OP first explained how they and their wife had an arrangement with their children which would see them donate money towards one of two options, and which of these their youngest daughter decided upon.
“My wife and I have 3 kids (36 M[ale], 32 F[emale], & 25 F).”
“We have had agreements with all of our kids that we would help pay for up to $10K for their weddings, or use that same amount towards a down payment on their first home.”
“Both of our oldest kids picked the down payment option.”
“They both got married and had medium-sized weddings (both under 100 guests).”
“They paid for the majority of their weddings themselves, but we did pitch in maybe $1-2K to each of them to help a bit.”
“My youngest got engaged last year and started planning her wedding which was scheduled for this October.”
“She told us she would like us to help pay for the wedding instead of a house, since both her and her fiancé are more comfortable with apartment living and don’t want to put roots down anywhere since they are both young.”
“She had us put deposits down for a venue, caterer, photographer, and a DJ.”
“These deposits totaled over $5K and were non-refundable.”
The OP’s daughter eventually had a slight change of heart, but still expected her parents to contribute money towards her new plans.
“About 2 months ago, my daughter called to tell us that she and her fiancé had decided to cancel their wedding and get married at a courthouse.”
“She said that the wedding planning was too stressful and they would rather just get married legally and spend money on a big honeymoon instead.”
“She said she wants us to take the rest of what we would have paid for the wedding and put it towards their honeymoon instead.”
“She said they want to take an extra long honeymoon, like 2-3 months of travel to multiple destinations.”
“I told her that we would not be contributing money to that.”
“I explained that by cancelling their wedding, we have lost out on thousands of dollars and gotten nothing out of it due to non-refundable deposits.”
“Mind you, we never questioned any of their choices regarding wedding planning and were not involved in any of the decision making.”
“I literally just wrote checks to vendors.”
“My daughter is upset and accusing me of playing favorites with her older siblings and for punishing her because she wants something different for herself.”
“I told her that the situations are not the same and that giving her thousands of dollars for her to bum around Europe and Asia for a few months was never something I agreed to.”
“My wife wants to give our daughter a few thousand to try and even things out, but I am firmly against this.”
“The way I look at it, we already gave her thousands of dollars and she decided to literally throw all of that money away.”
“I understand wedding planning is stressful and if they want a courthouse wedding that is their choice.”
“But it also wasn’t their money that they lost by cancelling the wedding, it was ours.”
“My daughter thinks I am being an a**hole about this.”
“And my wife wants to just give her the money to keep the peace.”
“But I feel like that just completely absolves our daughter of what her decisions have cost us.”
“I don’t want to pay for her wanderlust after she cost me thousands of dollars.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for declining to pay for their daughter’s honeymoon.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s daughter was being spoiled and ungrateful having already spent half of her allotted money, though some suggested it might have been different if she changed her mind and wanted a house.
“NTA, your daughter and fiancée might be TA.”
“Just tell your daughter that the $10k offer was for a wedding or house deposit, nothing else.”
“Now there is approximately $5k left.”
“The $5k remainder can be put towards a house deposit at some point in the future if, or when, they want to buy a house.”
‘I can understand the frustration is that $5k has now been wasted and your daughter doesn’t seem to care that you have worked hard for the money.”- Great-Wrongdoer-2315
“Throwing away your money was an AH move and I wouldn’t give her more personally.”
“If she had asked for the money for a honeymoon up front because she wanted to do a courthouse wedding instead, then that’s one thing.”
“But to be so disrespectful with your gift and then ask for more, that’s just incredibly entitled.”
“I am also curious what jobs they have that they can take a multi-month honeymoon.”- yourlittlebirdie
“She wasted $5k…no way in hell I’d give her more money.”- DPRRJM
“A long honeymoon is neither a wedding, that you already lost money on, nor a down payment on a house.”- subsailor1968
“I can understand her reason, but she fails to see how wasteful her actions were.”
“Idk if I’d trust her with another large sum of money since she threw away the first half as if it were nothing.”- ollyator
“She’s not entitled to 10k even if her siblings got it.”
“The money was provided under certain terms, not as a gift.”
“What she did was a huge waste that really indicates she doesn’t respect or appreciate the value of the gift she was offered.”
“Not getting the rest of the money is a reasonable consequence for her poor decision making and her readiness to squander resources.”- LadyCass79
“I totally agree to not spend more money on that, the wasted fund you have already lost are super frustrating and if she had wanted that maybe that could have been arranged before the non refundable deposits were made.”- Spoopyowo
“I think, had she spoke up BEFORE you guys dropped thousands of dollars you can’t get back, maybe you might have considered her trip idea and this would not be the big issue it is.”
“HOWEVER, since it didn’t go that way, I say you’re NTA.”
“You guys agreed to pay for the wedding and she agreed to have you guys pay for a wedding by asking you to take care of venders, etc.”
“I would feel AWFUL if I wasted thousands of my parents’ money and I wouldn’t dare ask for more or consider changing the plans unless it was a health issue or life or death.”
“Oof, I’m sorry!”- Light_Seeker90
“It wasn’t daughter’s hard-earned money so she doesn’t care.”
“She made a decision that meant you threw your own money away, basically burned thousands of dollars.”
“While she had a right to change plans, she doesn’t have a right to ask for more money.”
“I changed my mind and threw your money away’.”
“That money will not be used for anything’.”
“‘Now give me more’.”- redgolfcart
“But I would encourage you and your wife to inform them that the remaining balance of the money is available to help contribute to a down payment on a home at a future date.”
“This way, you are not playing favorites, you are not punishing her for changing her mind about the kind of wedding she wants, and you are still only using the money for purposes you are comfortable contributing to.”
“I get that you are annoyed at the loss of non-refundable deposits.”
“But you are skating perilously close to an AH rating by framing it as ‘she decided to literally throw all of that money away’.”
“And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that attitude is what your wife is reacting to’.”
“You are succumbing to the sunk costs fallacy.”
“That money would have been gone no matter whether your daughter went through with the wedding or not.”
“The only thing different is that, by realizing that she didn’t want the big wedding, she has stopped spending additional unnecessary money.”- DinaFelice
It’s pretty shocking that the OP didn’t even seem to have any remorse about essentially throwing five thousand dollars down the drain.
Or that she would assume that her parents would then be willing to donate the remainder of the allotted sum for a lavish honeymoon.
Seriously making one question how sound her decision making skills are.
Should this mean she and her fiancé can no longer afford a honeymoon, hopefully that will teach her to respect the generosity of others much more going forward.