A person who is in love with a significant other would do anything for them, but what are the statutes of limitations when it comes to generous acts?
One individual found out the hard way that spending a sizeable amount of money on the person they love could backfire epically.
After their generosity affected their relationship, they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Abject_Guarantee_349 asked:
"AITA for secretly paying off my girlfriends debt?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Recently I'm having a big fall out with my girlfriend of four years and I don't understand why she's angry. I have this amazing girlfriend we'll call Amy. She's the best girl you'll ever meet she's kind, understanding, and makes the best omelette in the world."
"She's very poor though has always been she was raised by a single mother and they struggled all her childhood. I come from the opposite type of style I know I'm very privileged but me and her have been friends for years after a chance meeting."
"She has always been a great girlfriend and we don't argue often but when we do it's about money not as you would think she just doesn't like when I spend money on her and I can't understand it. I would gift her nice jewelry and she always seemed to dislike it."
"Me being love struck upgraded and I brought her a new car we got in a big argument that time and she told me she didn't want me to waste money on her she'd rather me spend that type of money on something important but she is important and I want to spoil her."
"I learned that she appreciated things more if they were directly given to her. If I brought myself a necklace and didn't like it she would accept it so I started buying her things pretending they were for me and I didn't want them she would accept and things were going good."
The OP continued:
"I want to propose soon but she wants to pay off her debts first so we have a clean slate to start on. I've known this since the beginning she works hard to pay them she doesn't pay rent or any utilities in my house I don't let her even if she tries."
"Last week with the help of her mother I paid off her student loans I thought it would be a nice gift to her considering it was her birthday but once everyone left she blew up on me like never before."
"I've never seen her so angry she told me I crossed a line that she was working hard to pay it off and I ruined that and I was a jerk for involving her mom in my schemes. What she really said that stuck with me was."
'You can't understand why I'm angry because you've never had to struggle and you've never felt the pride of finally doing something yourself.'
"And even then I didn't understand she ended up leaving and she's at her mom's house. I can't understand why I'm losing her I can't I pay the debt but I don't want to lose her. I just want her to live in comfort and I want to marry her."
"Now that a few days have passed I'm getting anxious and I'm starting to feel like a real jerk for invading her privacy. Our whole house is decorated to her taste and it smells like her but she's not here each time I realize that I feel more and more stupid."
"I've never felt like such a jerk before even if I don't think I did anything wrong so am I the a**hole for paying off my girlfriend's debt without consulting her."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
People shared their varied judgments.
"Ok love. I understand you want to give the world as you know it to your gf and that your gf wanted to accomplish this goal before getting married. You doing this without talking to her comes off as manipulating her into your world without her consent."
"AT THE SAME TIME, hyper-independence is a trauma response of always having to work HARD for everything in your life and not trusting anyone to help you. And most importantly, it's from learning the hard way and deeply believing that nothing comes for free, she will feel like its pity or charity, or she now owes you. That's why she might struggle with you doing nice things for her."
"The answer is apologize and tell her that you want to understand and then truly listen and genuinely be curious about her reasoning. Then tell her that giving her things makes you feel happy and it's how you like to show you care for her, ask her if there are things she can simply let you do for her."
"Stop pretending things are for you and do not lie, that will only break the trust she's slowly building."
"No A's here. Wishing you the best."
"Edit to add: NAH and OP, please read the notes below about therapy (together and individually) and striving to understand. Good luck!" – Aiywa
"OP wants to do a really nice thing for her but because they don't come from a poor background, they don't understand how important it is to feel self-sufficient. OP needs to understand that and to understand that when one has always struggled to keep things afloat, it feels like a waste of money to buy stuff that isn't necessary."
"You are right: OP needs to make a heartfelt apology and to listen to her; they need to understand about the pride involved in paying off debt: it's hard, it takes years but when you've done it it is a truly amazing achievement. (source: done just that!) It's a validation of your success, determination, responsibility." – ShineAtom
"Okay YTA but it seems like you genuinely don't know why so I'll explain…"
"You and your gf have extremely different life experiences and because she grew up without money and you apparently have lots of money, that's something she's self conscious about (probably, putting myself in her shoes as a person who grew up poor)."
"You keep paying for things for her and it's easy for her to think you see her as some kind of charity case. Plus she doesn't want to put herself into a position where your loved ones and friends could possibly call her a gold digger (not saying they would do that but she's trying to avoid even the chance of it)."
"She has told you, by the sounds of it more than once, that she DOES NOT want you spending lots of money on her. You did it anyway so not only did you completely disregard her request you stomped on a goal she was trying to meet through hard work and determination (paying off her debt). Yes you did it for what you thought was for good reasons but you did it for you, not her."
"You assume she wants fancy jewellery and a flash car but guess what, when you grow up poor that stuff can make you feel really uncomfortable and ill at ease."
"The fact you cannot see her perspective at all, despite being with her for four years, tells me you have done nothing to truly understand her life and her mentality towards money and wealth."
"And to rope her mum in to help you do it in secret (because you knew she'd never accept it, come on let's be honest) makes it even worse. Now you have her distrusting her only parent because she went behind her back and colluded with you." – chasingkaty
"Like 99% YTA. Her part of it is so small that I'm going to leave it at YTA."
"She has made it clear that she doesn't want big expensive gifts time and again. You just made it obvious that a marriage with you will just be more of you ignoring what she wants in favor of what you want to give her. No means no, even when it's financial. If someone specifically told you not to help then it's not helping when you step in to assist anyway."
"Her tiniest of smidges of being the issue in this situation is that she needs to accept that part of being in a relationship is to be able to depend on each other in many ways including financially. People who had to make do with less because there was no help available often have issues with accepting help when it becomes available, even to their own detriment."
"However, you don't get to dictate when she decides she is comfortable with that. It's possible that all she wanted was to pay off her own loans herself and then she would move forward with you as a unit and not as individuals. You didn't want to wait for that and used your money to rush the process and now she has no personal metric to decide you are entering the next phase of your lives on equal grounds."
"If it's not clear, she's upset that she specifically told you to stay out of it and you didn't. For someone that claims to love her, you don't seem to actually care about how she feels as long as other people can look at her situation and think she's doing well. As her boyfriend you should have cared more about how she's doing emotionally and not care about how other people think she's doing financially." – Duncan_sucks
Overall, Redditors didn't view the OP favorably for not being mindful of her previous protests in spending money on her.
To go behind her back and conspire with her mother to alleviate her financial burden just made things worse and was seen as a huge betrayal.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.