Pregnancy is a really difficult and very personal decision.
At the end of the pregnancy, you'll have a baby—which turns your 9-month commitment into a life-long one. Feelings about that are sure to come up all the time.
Redditor Throwaway98398 found herself in that situation against someone who said something really insensitive about her pregnancy. Forced to take sweeping action to protect herself, she endured a whole lot of blowback from others.
Needing objective feedback from strangers, she went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" to get opinions:
"AITA for kicking my best friend's girlfriend out during a dinner party because of something she said?"
Our original poster, or OP, is a soon-to-be young mom who is carrying a pregnancy to term.
"I (19F[emale]) am 5 months pregnant. It was not planned at all but my fiancé, Barry (21M[ale]) and I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy after considering our options for a long time."
"My best friend, Theo (20M) has been nothing but supportive and helpful. Theo got into a pretty serious relationship a few months ago but I have never met her so I suggested we have a dinner party and invite some other friends as well."
"Ava (23F) seemed very sweet at first but then I noticed that she seemed cold towards me."
"I thought it was just me but Barry asked me about it as well. I thought she may just be having a hard time surrounded by new people so I didn't make a big deal out of it."
"We all sat down to have dinner and Ava asked me how my pregnancy was going. I thanked her for asking and said it was alright."
"I steered the conversation to another topic just because I didn't want that to be the topic of the night. It was alright from then onwards for a while. Ava seemed to get along well with everyone."
"I was feeling a bit tired so I excused myself and went to get a cold drink. When I came back my friends were just making sure I was okay and asked me if we should wrap up the party early and I said no."
OP's friend's girlfriend suddenly got very blunt about OP's pregnancy.
"Ava made a comment about pregnancy being hard and I agreed with her saying it's the hardest thing ever."
"She then said 'No offense but why the f**k didn't you guys consider abortion' while laughing. I felt like that was such an awkward thing to ask...no one really answered but then Barry said it just wasn't something we could do."
"He asked everyone if they needed more drinks, in an attempt to change the topic but Ava continued."
"She said (something along the lines of) 'You guys know you're ruining your life right like yikes' still laughing.. So I told her, a bit rudely, to please not say things like this since I was feeling uncomfortable."
"She replied saying she was brutally honest and that people liked that about her. I was thinking, I just met this girl."
"I just couldn't deal with this for the rest of the night so I told her to 'please get out and maybe learn some manners' and I guess she didn't expect me to say it but she did get out."
But now OP's friend is angry with her.
"Theo was so angry at me, he said I was ruining him and just left with her. After a few awkward moments our other friends supported my decision and we had a good night."
"Yesterday Theo messaged me (for the first time after the incident) and told me that Ava was refusing to speak to him and he said 'thanks I hope you're happy.'"
"Idk why that specific sentence just made me feel guilty. I believe I may have been the a**hole, she was a new member of the group and maybe I was overreacting and she didn't mean to insult me. Barry thinks otherwise but he may be biased so."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors agreed Ava needed to watch how she talked to others.
"Narrator: nobody likes that about her. I cannot stand people who use 'I'm just being honest!' as an excuse to be rude and insulting to others."
"Ava sounds like a nasty piece of work and you weren't wrong to kick her out; her comment and subsequent doubling-down were outrageously out of line."
"Theo is also completely wrong to be mad at you and I think some distance from him might not go amiss."
"However, unless he is known to do this kind of thing himself, I'd keep an eye on him."
"The fact that he doesn't appear to acknowledge how awful Ava was to you and that she's taking this out on him is raising a few red flags for me - I think it's possible that the relationship might be abusive. NTA"-ImStealingTheTowels
"My friends describe me as brutally honest and they liked that about me. I'm a straightforward, no beating around the bush kinda person; but I would never say something like that and laugh about it."
"My brutal honesty is more for my friends, not people I just met. There's a line between brutal honesty and insults. AVA IS A GRADE-A JERK."
"Theo is blind and is not OP's friend. If he blames OP for 'ruining' his relationship with Ava, he has a lot of thinking and realizing to do. His best friend or a grade-a jerk?"
"I get that OP is young and a baby at her age would affect her future greatly, but it is her decision and it should be respected. NTA. Best of luck with the kid!"-icemelonwatermelon
"NTA I said this before elsewhere, but I'll repeat it here: People who are brutally honest don't advertise themselves as being so. Other people will tell you if someone is the brutally honest sort."
"The truth of brutal honesty is that people who are so do it because they don't want to be misunderstood."
"They don't like sugar-coating the truth because they want what they say to be clear and concise. They say what they think is relevant in a way that leaves no room for mistakes so no one can say they didn't get it later. They only say what needs to be said and that's it."
"Truly brutally honest people are usually hesitant to give their opinions because they've been hit with the blow-back by people who don't appreciate that they're not going to pretty things up just to make them feel better."
"They'll generally warn someone with words like 'You won't like what I have to say' or 'You don't want me to give my honest opinion.'"
"This is how they try to preserve their relationships when they know that someone will take the words in a hurtful way."
"For these individuals, trying to sugar-coat or pretty things up is actually worse than lying. People who SAY 'I'm brutally honest' are the ones who use it as an excuse to be a**holes."
"They've gotten away with various douchebaggery using that disclaimer. So long as people let them, they'll continue to get away with it."
"Good on you for kicking her out, but bad on Theo for letting her get the steam in her sails to begin with - he should have stopped her."
"Her behavior was shameful and he should be giving you an apology for his lack of action while demanding an apology from her for making his taste in girlfriends look bad in front of your friends... because she most certainly did that."-Spell_Blade
"I absolutely LOATHE when people believe 'I'm just brutally honest' is a noble quality. The kinds of people who say this are never ever just plainly honest in a tactful way; what they mean is they do not care one iota about how their opinions might hurt others."
"There is absolutely a way that Ava could've asked, after taking time to get to know OP, whether she had considered termination in a tactful way."
"But no, she had to make what seems like an obvious attempt to just embarrass OP. NTA"-messinthemidwest
People also noted the trap of "brutal honesty."
Most people care more about the brutality.
"I would totally agree, and I say that as a person who was born to 19 year old parents. Parents who unfortunately got married and had another child, but mercifully they divorced after 5 years."
"(And 'pregnancy is the hardest thing ever'...no. Not even close. And I have had two children, both with complicated pregnancies.)
"I also would 100% keep that sh*t to myself, obviously she chose to carry the pregnancy, so me thinking it is just a thought to keep in my head, never to let escape."
"Now is the time for support. OP is definitely NTA."-HonPhryneFisher
"NTA she doesn't know you from Adam so who does she thinks she is to bring that up in conversation?"
"It's disgusting really 🙈 In addition to this it's sounding like your friendship with Theo was a problem for her, especially if you're partner also noticed her cold behavior."
"Insecurity most like, some women don't like it when their SO have a female bestie. Don't quote me on it but it's just a feeling I have."-Fun_Measurement_5873
"Sounds like my MIL lol!
"But yes, people love to hide behind being 'brutally honest' or 'I say how it is' in order to give themselves an excuse for being a**holes."
"NTA OP, I would have kicked her out too. Sounds like it was the metaphorical bucket of cold water over her head she needed!"-Big-Refrigerator-288
"NTA. That's an extremely f**ked up thing to say, and even worse that she doubled down on it after you said you were uncomfortable."
"Your friend Theo should ditch this girl, but you can't control that. Hopefully he'll come around."-bathing_in_ranch
And as a young mom, OP should be focusing on getting ready for raising a child.
"NTA. There's literally nothing else to say here."
"In no world or mindset could you be the a**hole for kicking someone out who, UNPROMPTED, decided to shove their input on your reproductive status into the conversation, and then doubled down on it when the subject was moved on from."
"Like holy sh*t. Hopefully your friend calms down and apologizes for his response, but in any case, NTA."
"(PS, I had my oldest kid a couple months before my 19th birthday. He's 15. Still with his dad/my husband. Life's not ruined, just rearranged. Just throwing that out there in case she got to you a little bit with her bullsh*t)"-kittynaed
"NTA. F**k him. Anyone who can support someone who treats their best friend like that isn't a friend at all."
"I can't imagine the audacity to enter someone's home and tell them being pregnant is a bad decision."
"I don't know how deeply you care about this Theo dude but he sounds like the kind of guy you can do without."-jtyashiro
"NTA and it sounds like you need a better 'best friend', OP!"
"You were setting boundaries with a person you just met, that made you uncomfortable, and this Theo friend has no right to be angry at you for his own shortcomings with his new GF."
"She sounds hella toxic, and his anger with you is unreasonable. Also, congratulations on your pregnancy! 💙"-blehberries
"NTA. Wow, the audacity! Tell Theo that you are sorry if he is hurt, but she didn't just step across a line, she took a running start and leaped clear past it."
"If he has any doubts about that, the he is free to speak with the other friends who were present and get their assessment."
"But in no way should you be spoken to like that in your own home, let alone by someone you just met."-Chef73
OP has every right not to have someone who crosses every social line available in her house.
Hopefully the removal of her friend's girlfriend will prove that she knows what she's doing just a little more.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.