There are few things people dream of more than their wedding day.
There are some, however, whose heads get just as high up in the clouds, dreaming of the day they are proposed to. Imagining their partner picking the perfect setting, on the perfect day, with, of course, the perfect ring.
Many people go to great lengths to make sure their proposal will exceed the expectations of their soon-to-be betrothed.
Unfortunately, not all proposals quite live up to expectations.
The friend of a recent Redditor recently proposed to his girlfriend.
While she thankfully said yes, her response wasn't quite what he hoped it would be.
Leading him to go to the original poster (OP) for feedback.
When the OP gave her friend her honest opinion, it was not the answer he wanted to hear.
Having second thoughts about her response, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my best friend I understood why his fiancee is so disappointed that he proposed to her at the gym?"
The OP explained how her honest feedback didn't sit well with her best friend:
"I (27 F[emale]) was excited when my best friend (27 M[ale]) told me he had proposed to his girlfriend (29 F[emale])."
"He said he had the proposal on video."
"I was so confused when the video started out in woman's gym."
"When I saw his girlfriend on an exercise machine in the video, I had a bad feeling."
"She looked so shocked, and she said yes."
"She only looked happy for 2 minute,s and the rest of the time she gave an insincere smile."
"My best friend expressed frustration that his fiancée had confessed she wasn't happy with the proposal after he asked her why she looked so sad."
"He was venting to me and asked me how I would feel if a guy proposed to me while I was at the gym."
"I guess he really expected me to agree with him, but I said I would hate it."
"I said I don't want to be proposed to when I'm sweaty and stinky at the gym."
"I basically explained to him that I understood why she was disappointed."
"My best friend called me shallow and a bad friend."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for being honest with her best friend.
Everyone agreed that the OP merely gave her honest answer to the question her friend was asking, and if anyone was being shallow, it was the OP's friend, who only wanted to hear answers that pleased him:
"NTA."
"That's a super weird setting unless they're both major gym rats, and I'm always wary about super public proposals, because it feels like the person doing the proposing is applying pressure."
"He asked you, you were honest, and he didn't like your answer."
"That's 100% on him."
"My best friend called me shallow."
"This response actually makes it worse."
"This feels like the kind of thing that was basically testing the fiancée, like, is she going to be a 'cool girl' or will she be disappointed/upset by this thoughtless proposal?"
"If he thinks you're shallow for not liking it, what does he think about her?"
"Your friend doesn't sound like a great dude."
"I wouldn't want to be proposed to at the gym."- Lucky_Volume3819
"He's asking for your opinion because his grilfriend didn't like how he proposed, and when you agree with her, he calls you 'shallow'?"
"Apparently, he was not really asking for your opinion: he wanted confirmation that his sloppy proposal was 'ok'."
"NTA, and he's the one who is 'shallow'."- KarinSpaink
"NTA."
"Also hold on a second, did you say womens gym?"
"As in like he entered a women's only gym & proposed to her?"
"My BF & I love to go to the gym together, but it would be sooo uncomfortable if he proposed at our gym lol."- plzstop435
"NTA for having an opinion and giving it to him when he asked."
"He's being a baby."- CannibalismIsTight
"A women's gym?"
"Thats even worse."
"It's not like, it's their together place."
"This was her gym."
"Why would he feel the need to do a surprise public proposal at all, but to do it in a place that she holds for herself, not one of their couple spots, is just so self-centered."
"You're NTA, but dang, I hope he was just reacting - sometimes when we are criticized, our initial reaction is to get defensive and angry; later, after we have processed, we can take the words to heart and recognize our flaws."
"Please give him the space and grace to realize he did screw up."
"He asked, you answered honestly."
"He needs to own his own behavior."- throwaway1975764
"NTA."
"I mean, he did ask you and you were honest, so like, he shouldn't ask questions if he doesn't like the answer."
"Also, you are correct, most people do not like public proposals to begin with, and will often say yes because all the eyes around them are creating pressure, never mind when you're really sweaty and listening to Eye of the Tiger on your Airpods while guzzling water and thinking about taking a long shower."- mooseplainer
"NTA."
"He asked for your opinion, and you gave it."
"An age-old saying goes, if you don't want the truth, don't ask the question."
"And yes, his proposal seemed very lazy and I, too, would be unhappy about it."- KoolKoalaQueen
"NTA."
"He shouldn't have asked if he wasn't ready to hear the truth."
"My husband proposed to me privately at an almost empty restaurant we love."
"For me, the privacy and no pictures/recordings were perfect."
"A good friend of ours set up a Disney Cinderella-themed proposal, another did a proposal at the top of a climb after a hike."
"Each of these proposals was perfect for each individual."
"While it's true it doesn't matter where you propose, it doesn't matter in the context of there's no right/wrong place to do it in general, as long as it's something that is in line with your partner's taste."- Answer_The_Walrus
"I always thought it would be the worst thing ever to be proposed to in a restaurant with everyone else staring and potentially clapping?"
"Big yikes for an introvert."
"But this dude managed to take that horror level and obliterate it."
"The GYM?"
"Oh hell no."
"NTA, he needed to hear that truth, he's both clueless and thoughtless."- ZookeepergameOld3851
"WTF does he not have a romantic bone in his body?"
"Absolutely NTA, someone had to give him a reality check."- meowmeowmenace
"NTA."
"I get that he doesn't want to hear after the fact that he deeply f*cked up, but that's the worst proposal location I've ever heard of, and he did ask for your opinion."- lycrashampoo
"NTA."
"He did this for him and had no consideration for how she would feel in the moment."
"Red flag red flag red flag."- Mandiezie1
"NTA."
"Your friend is a knucklehead for proposing at the gym."- jadestem
"Unless they're both huge gym buffs, that's like… the worst possible place he could've chosen, NTA."- Scrabulon
"NTA.'
"He asked for your opinion and you gave it."
"as a girl i hold the very same opinion."
"I wouldn't want to be proposed to in any situation where I'm all sweaty and yucky feeling."-imjustagirlie
"NTA."
"Don't ask a question if you don't want an honest answer."- throwaway-rayray
"NTA."
"I'm not sure why he believed a sweaty gym would be an ideal place for romantic grand gestures."-East_Transition533
"NTA."
"Don't ask a question if you don't want the answer."
"I get why she'd be disappointed, too. Is there some significance there for them as a couple?"
"If yes, IDK why she's actually upse,t but I definitely would've recommended doing it BEFORE she's all sweaty."
"If no, why on earth would he choose that spot?"- EmployPutrid5016
"NTA."
"I never understand when people ask for your opinion and then get mad when you give it."-JadeArgonar
"NTA."
"I figure that, if you're filming your proposal, your proposee wants to look their best."
"The gym is not the place to do that."
"Your friend fumbled and doesn't want to admit it."- SockPirateKnits
"AT THE GYM!"
"NTA."
"Your buddy needs some life lessons."- ThreeFitty-350
"NTA and I hope you both dump this dude."
"He clearly doesn't care about or respect either of you."- Space-Dragon26
"NTA."
"What was he expecting?"
"Was there some reason the gym is special to them?"
"It's the ONLY reason I can figure out that would even make this halfway acceptable."
"As wonderful as it is to be proposed to, she was in the middle of a workout."
'She was sweaty and focused and probably confused."
"Like what kind of low-hanging fruit BS proposal was this, anyway?"
"What I can't figure out is why he thought this was a good idea."- First-Stress-9893
It seems clear that the OP's friend didn't want feedback or advice, merely validation.
What he, and countless others, couldn't seem to fathom was that those actively seeking validation very seldom get it.
One can only hope he gives his fiancée free rein when it comes to planning the wedding...
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.