For those unfamiliar, a reborn doll is a handcrafted art doll that is meticulously painted and weighted to look and feel just like a real human infant, often using photos of a child.
They can be purchased as a nostalgic keepsake for a child who is grown up or as a memorial for a deceased child.
While some grieving parents find them comforting, some people find the dolls unnerving.
A grieving mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being gifted a reborn doll.
Justhearmeoutokaypls asked:
"AITA for telling my sister-in-law (SIL) that the reborn baby she gave me was disturbing and inappropriate?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I recently lost one of my twins, he was 6 months old. I don’t really want to go into the details, but it has been extremely difficult for me and my husband. It hasn’t even been two months, so I’m still very much grieving."
"Before this happened, my SIL and I were actually really close. She loved my boys and was always around them, so I know she loved my son who passed away. I am not questioning that."
"Yesterday my husband’s mom had a small birthday party at her house. It was basically just immediate family, kids, grandkids, etc..."
"At the party, my SIL stood up and started talking about how we should hold our children close because you never know when the last time you’ll get to hold them will be. In the middle of the speech, she handed me a reborn baby doll…"
"The doll looked almost exactly like my baby. I mean REALLY looked like him. It wasn’t a random baby doll, that sh*t was made to resemble him, and my SIL even had one of the toenails painted because I used to paint one of their toenails to tell them apart… like what‽"
"She handed me the doll and basically said, 'So you can have both your babies.' My flabbers were gasted. I took the doll in the moment because I didn’t want to make a scene at their MOM’s birthday party, but I was extremely uncomfortable."
"I pulled her aside and told her that I thought what she did was weird and distasteful and that it really upset me. I asked her why she would give me something like that when my baby had literally just died."
"She got mad and started saying things like, 'You think I’m trying to be funny?' and 'You think I didn’t love my nephew?' She basically acted like I was accusing her of not caring about my son. She also said something along the lines of, 'Who do you think you are? We accepted you'."
"What did that have to do with anything? You accepted me‽‽ I've never felt like an outsider before, but my son's death honestly opened my eyes."
"That’s not what I was saying at all. I know she loved my son. I know she was trying to do something for me. But that doesn’t change the fact that receiving a realistic doll that looks like my dead baby, in front of my entire family, during a speech about losing children, was extremely upsetting to me."
"I don't know what reaction she was expecting from this. I never took the doll home. I left it there. Now we’re not speaking."
"My husband is quiet as can be on this. We've been very sad, so I'm not blaming him at all. I just get a bit overwhelmed with taking care of things myself lately."
"I understand that everyone grieves differently, and maybe some people would find something like this comforting. But I personally found it disturbing and painful, especially considering how recent my son’s death was."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I get that reborn dolls can be therapeutic for some people. But this is a gift that needs to be talked through with the mother, not just dumped on her as a surprise. Maybe she meant well, but she *massively* overstepped."
"The reborn dolls should NEVER be a gift, they should be done by the parents with both parents (and ideally a psychologist to make sure its done as a healthy coping mechanism) involved in the decision and purchase."
"The only time some from outside the grieving parents should be involved is when the parents express desire for one but cant afford one, at which point the outsider can say 'let me help with that'."
"SIL sounds so selfish and out of touch, not just for the doll but to bring up the situation that isnt her child AND ON SOMEONE ELSES BIRTHDAY AS WELL. She just went and made 3 things about others about herself." ~ Environmental_Art591
"Yeah, agree, they absolutely can be therapeutic when discussed in grief counseling, and with professional input and planning on how they'll be used to help the parent manage their grief."
"But not from a SIL, at a celebration, out of the blue. Genuinely, what was she thinking?! It's like she saw they're used in therapy and ran with it?" ~ donkeyvoteadick
"My personal guess is she wanted to be the hero who swooped in and blessed a grieving mother. Sounds like she made a big show out of it, too."
"Also just realized how sh*tty the MIL must feel to have her birthday party hijacked this way." ~ Nocitae
"Exactly. You can ask if someone would like one, you can’t just get one for someone." ~ SqueakWrites
"I struggle to see how it is well-meaning in the context of her speech saying hold your children tight… way to rub salt in the wounds there, SIL. That’s a speech you give when the grieving parties are not there."
"I’m so sorry, OP. This is an absolutely heartbreaking position to be in, and I can’t even imagine how you are feeling. To have someone be so thoughtless and insensitive at a time like this is just so horrifying, and I’m just at a loss to express how awful I feel for you. Absolutely NTA. You will be in my thoughts." ~ Normal-Tale6425
"Exactly!! These dolls are creepy to most people and not a standard way to handle grief. This would be a conversation before ordering kind of thing."
"SIL felt she knew best how to comfort OP. I’m sure it was shocking and disturbing for both OP and her husband. SIL made a huge presumption and she was wrong and should apologize. NTA." ~ crackersucker2
"I bet SIL showed the doll to someone, or told them about it, and they told her not to give it to OP. They probably said something like, 'Is this a joke? Don’t be cruel.' So when OP rejected the doll, SIL got defensive and angry and went on the attack. NTA, OP. But SIL is a giant one. I’m so sorry for your loss." ~ Hari_om_tat_sat
"It felt like SIL was making it more about her feelings rather than listening to OP’s feelings. ~ MrNemu
"Giving a mother a doll of her dead baby…. In public…. At her mother-in-law's birthday party. SIL has tipped her hand. One weird thing is just a weird thing.. all of these together? I don’t think the gift was ever intended to have a positive impact."
"That SIL was looking to wound from the start. OP, I’d keep contact with the SIL low. You did nothing wrong."
"And you need to figure out where your husband is in all this and file that information away for the future. No major decisions yet, but keep watching. You need to find out if you have a SIL problem or a whole family problem." ~ Deradius
"SIL is trying to make the whole thing about her. Seems like a pretty narcissistic attitude rather than empathetic. Sorry for your loss OP, I hope you can find some peace in all of this." ~ snertwith2ls
"It's also weird that she throws out 'we accepted you' like it's not the basic thing you do with your siblings spouse. Like, it doesn't cost you anything; why are you treating that like a favor or something? SIL is a weirdo. Seems to me like she didn’t want to accept OP and is throwing that back at her like she did her a favour." ~ Professional-Low5390
"And then gets mad at her for not being grateful for her weird 'gift'. I wouldn't have one of those things in my house and that's only because I think they're creepy, nevermind OP's even better reasons for having nothing to do with them." ~ trowzerss
"What got me was 'the who do you think you are'. Who do YOU think you are? My child's soon-to-be estranged Aunt because, like hell, would she be around my kid or me after this blow-up while I was grieving a six-month-old and raising another, presumably on top of dealing with everything else from normal postpartum changes and baby adjustments." ~ ThatDiscoSongUHate
"Even if SIL was well-intentioned, she should have seen how this would be extremely upsetting and inappropriate. Have there been other times when she has done things that weren't socially acceptable? Trying to ascertain if this was meant to be healing with poor delivery or extremely cruel. People respond strangely to grief so perhaps that could be behind her actions." ~ RescuesStrayKittens
"I think if it was meant to be healing, why did she react so nastily when OP objected? Sounds to me like it was performative and SIL got angry about her performance being rejected."
"I just can’t imagine any decent person not being mortified and apologetic if they gave something to a grieving mother with good intentions only to find out it was painful and seen as deeply inappropriate."
"Getting angry and it all resulting in not speaking is crazy and to me indicates that SiL is a bit of a sh*t/self centred at heart with a big fragile ego that matters more to her than anyone else’s feelings." ~ KittyGrewAMoustache
OP and her husband are dealing with their grief and an infant who just lost their twin.
They don't need their sister-in-law's baggage piled on top of that.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him