Returning presents or turning down presents isn't easy.
Nobody likes to look a gift horse in the mouth.
But sometimes it's necessary.
Some gifts might be a bad fit, and some gifts might stir up some drama.
Redditor Waffles973 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"WIBTA if I don't return the car my friend bought me as a birthday present?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"It was my birthday a few weeks ago, and my friend Luke bought me a car as a birthday present because I didn't have one."
"It's nothing fancy, but I'm beyond grateful to him because having a car has made my life so much easier."
"Unfortunately, my B[oy]F[riend] isn't happy that Luke gave me such an expensive gift."
"He said it's inappropriate for another man to buy me a car, so he wants me to return it."
"Most of our friends are on his side and agree it's weird for Luke to have bought me the car."
"I've known Luke my whole life, and he's practically family, so I don't see it the same way as them."
"None of my family finds it weird, and my brother told me that Luke said I should sell the car if I didn't want it, but he wouldn't take it back."
"I keep fighting with my boyfriend over the car, and he refuses to even sit in it now, but I really don't think I should return it as I know Luke and he'll just be offended."
The OP was left to wonder:
"WIBTA if I don't return it?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Tell him you'll get rid of it as soon as the car he buys you gets there." ~ shutup_bra1n
"Yes, this."
"He is trying to control you."
"Nope and nope." ~ TeachBS
"It's not all that often, for me anyway, but sometimes life/karma presents these perfect little opportunities."
"One friend has a car for sale."
"You trust the friend and/or know how responsible they are."
"Another friend needs a car."
"The money is not important, and their birthday is coming up."
"Two friends are happy."
"And you've got to be the catalyst."
"Boyfriend is, at a guess, both jealous and insecure."
"Jealous because no one ever gave him a car."
"Insecure because he isn't in a position to do what OP's friend did." ~ mcramsay
"A man who puts his insecurities over your safety is not a man you want to call your boyfriend." ~ dragonbornsqrl
"Don't do that, then she'll have that car held over her head for any little thing."
"She upgraded cars, now it's time to upgrade boyfriends too." ~ JJHall_ID
"Return the boyfriend, keep the car." ~ phazedout1971
"As a guy, I stand behind this statement."
"Real-world example..."
"In college, I dated this amazing girl; she was a gem!"
"One night we were out at a bar with a large group of friends, and she was at the bar with the girls, and I was on the other side of the joint with the boys."
"She comes up to me a little panicked and says a guy just tried to buy me a drink, and I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to upset you (like I said, amazing girl)."
"I laughed and told her next time that happened, that she should order top shelf and make it a double."
"I was like, that's one less drink I have to buy for you 🤪." ~ Weatherbeaster1993
"Red flag alert."
"Your boyfriend sounds controlling."
"He can find it odd, he can be puzzled - yes."
"But to tell you that you should return it - no." ~ Arterial3
"This is it."
"It is insane to turn down a free car from a family friend when you don't have one."
"Telling your partner they HAVE to while acting like a child by refusing to sit in it?"
"Controlling manipulation." ~ moo-chu
"Definitely, I can understand being conflicted because the BF doesn't know the friend and how close they are, but just saying to return it is stupid." ~ Shadou_Wolf
"Keep the car, lose the boyfriend."
"Because what is his solution to you not having a car?"
"Is he going to buy you one?"
"Of course not."
"Dude needs to be quiet." ~ Just_River_7502
"Maybe you have the same insecurities as the BF?"
"NTA. It doesn't matter if Luke does have romantic intentions."
"It's still your life and your decision as to how you react."
"You're a grown-up (I assume), and no one who doesn't hand you a paycheck is the boss of you."
"Even then, they are only your boss at work."
"If your boyfriend doesn't want to ride in that car, he can take the bus or walk." ~ Risheil
"I was surprised how far down I had to scroll to find this opinion."
"A 20k car is not a normal between-friends gift."
"Let's give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume everything is platonic."
"OP has a new car, and the friend is happy that OP is happy, but there is not really much upside for the boyfriend here."
"If I were the boyfriend, I would be constantly wondering what Luke is trying to do here."
"Is he trying to make himself look better than me?"
"Is he flaunting his wealth, trying to buy my girlfriend's affection, or actually just a good guy?"
"I sure wouldn't trust Luke and would probably get paranoid if ever Luke asked to hang out on one with my girlfriend."
"OP isn't an a**hole for wanting to keep the car, but I think she does need to put some work into reassuring her boyfriend that Luke and OP have a strictly platonic relationship." ~ eric_ness
"NTA, but I would be heavily questioning why Luke got you something so expensive, no matter if it's fancy or not."
"A car is a car."
"That's a high-level gift that I would only give my fiancé/immediate family." ~ ThatOneGirlyx05
"If you have a friend who sees a need and fulfills it, then that's a good friend."
"Anyone getting in the way of or having any problem with said need needs to step back and figure out why it's an issue."
"It's almost always going to be a 'them' issue."
"If a friend bought you books for school because you need them and can't afford them, you wouldn't be the a-hole for accepting them, right?"
"If needed to quickly fly home to see a dying parent before they pass, and you couldn't afford to do so, and a friend paid for the ticket, you wouldn't be the a-hole, right?"
"So long as your relationship with Luke is platonic, then he seems like a good friend."
"Your boyfriend should be thankful you have a friend like that, and that you now have a car and can use it to see the BF too." ~ audioeptesicus
"NTA. It's weird that your boyfriend doesn't trust you to evaluate the situation for yourself."
"Even if you had dated Luke in the past, you're with your boyfriend now, and if your boyfriend doesn't feel like he can trust you to not knowingly accept romantic advances, he shouldn't be with you."
"It sounds like Luke had the resources and chose to use them to help you, and it's very silly to reject that help so your boyfriend doesn't get jealous." ~ sootfire
"NTA. Your boyfriend sounds insecure and jealous."
"Keep the car, dump the boyfriend, and that's the boyfriend changes." ~ FigSuspicious7079
"Tell him that as soon as he gets you a new car, he will return it, NTA."
"You needed a car, and your friend was nice enough to give you one."
"Would this be weird if your friend were female?"
"Not every nice gesture has sexual intentions; sometimes people are just nice."
"What a world to live in where people assume otherwise." ~ EclecticEvergreen
"NTA, keep the car but get rid of the BF, he should be grateful someone got you such a nice and practical gift, a car can change your life." ~ vewyspooky
"It's really, really weird that your male friend bought you something as significant as a car."
"Very unusual. Not normal."
"Unless he's rich, that's a big gesture."
"Does he have a history of generosity like this?"
"Are you certain he's not expecting a quid pro quo?"
"Are you certain of his feelings for you?"
"There's a scenario where it's not inappropriate for a man to buy you a car."
"It's unclear from the info provided if this situation fits that scenario."
"But hey, a car's a car."
"NTA for not returning a free car."
"Just reassure your boyfriend - if you can - that nothing is ever gonna happen with Luke." ~ NetAccomplished7099
"I've given my long-time best friend a car before."
"Sometimes life allows you to be generous in really big ways."
"It doesn't have to mean a thing beyond love/care."
"Sorry, your boyfriend is insecure. NTA." ~ NefariousnessOne1884
"NTA, a close family friend ('practically family' per OP) gave you a present, enjoy the present as gifted."
"The BF's objection to the present is a huge red flag."
"He's being immature about this gift."
"Yes, it's unusual for an automobile to be given as a birthday present, but the close relationship between the giver and the receiver should be taken into consideration." ~ schec1
"Hee hee."
"I'm not giving a car back just because a bf doesn't like it."
"You aren't married to your BF."
"And the car gives you freedom that controlling partners don't like."
"So the answer would be no."
"And I'd leave the boyfriend before leaving the car."
"Also, boyfriend doesn't get to drive the car and conveniently wreck it either." ~ Lady_Tiffknee
Reddit is with you, OP.
You needed a car.
Now you have one.
And if Luke is a friend who is like family, it seems sincere.
Enjoy your gift.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp