Giving gifts can be stressful.
Everyone wants to give a gift to another person that elicits joy.
Sadly, for some gift recipients, the thought doesn’t count.
Some people just need fancy labels and extravagance.
So where does that leave the unwanted gifts?
Redditor cereal4dinner12 wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for asking my friend to give back a gift I gave her after she openly expressed that she would be getting rid of it?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (27 F[emale]) have been friends with this girl (we’ll call her Mary- 28 F) since high school.”
“Recently I was back in our hometown and she invited me to her birthday brunch to celebrate her 28th birthday.”
“One day on my way home I happened to stumble across an estate sale where I found a set of really nice, crystal champagne glasses that were in really good condition and cheaper than their worth.”
“Mary lives a high quality fancy lifestyle, so I thought they would be perfect for her, especially because they were within my budget (at the time I had been recovering from student loans and just put down a deposit on my first apartment in the city).”
“Fast forward to the brunch, we had a really good time and I got to catch up with Mary and other friends from high school.”
“Mary was eager to open the presents, and when she got to mine, she seemed to enjoy them, asking me where I got them since there was no label.”
“I explained that I didn’t know the brand, but the person running the estate sale had assured me that they were authentic and had been a wedding gift to the previous owners.”
“At the mention of the estate sale, Mary became visibly disgusted.”
“Although she didn’t say anything to my face, she was very passive aggressive towards me for the rest of the afternoon.”
“I overheard her whispering to some of the other guests about how I had the audacity to give her a used item and that she would be discarding them later.”
“After the event was over, I approached her privately, not wanting to make a scene, and asked that if she wasn’t going to use the glasses, if she could give them back as I would put them to good use and know their quality.”
“She flipped out and told me it was extremely rude to ask for them back and it was not my business what she did with them.”
“My family is understanding and thinks that I did nothing wrong, but some mutual friends also at the event think otherwise.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, am I the a-hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. If I gift someone something nice and they’re openly talking about it wasn’t good enough and they’re gonna trash it.”
“Yeah, I’ll ask for it back and either way, end that friendship.”
“Maybe if people cared about the gift giving rule, they wouldn’t openly trash the gift.” ~ slayyub88
“I really don’t know where the idea came from that once a gift is given, the recipient has complete freedom to do whatever they want with it.”
“In the real world, we have to consider the feelings of others, including those who give us gifts.”
“For example, it would be extremely rude to immediately throw a gift in the trash upon opening it while the giver looks on.”
“If someone did that with one of my gifts, I’d be hurt, and I’d rather take it back than watch that happen.”
“This is pretty close to what Mary was about to do with the glasses, so I think the OP is NTA.” ~ Umiel
“This. Especially considering that even though the birthday girl was talking smack about the gift and throwing it away where OP could clearly hear, OP was still kind enough to wait until she could speak to her in private to ask for the gift back.” ~ sbadbear
“Generally not good etiquette, but if you hear the person saying they’re going to get rid of the gift at the same event you gave them the item, it’s clear they aren’t happy with it or appreciate your efforts.”
“I say NTA and maybe rethink the friendship.”
“It’s one thing not to like a present, but don’t talk s**t about it in front of the giver.” ~ sarcasticnirritable
“It’s splitting hairs but OP’s etiquette was better than friends (plural).”
“Gift recipient was openly critical of the gift and rude towards OP about it.”
“Friends apparently accepted this behaviour at the time of, and now support a friend in her rudeness after the fact.”
“OP approached friend in private after all this public rudeness to address the situation.”
“OP’s miss, and it’s a forgivable one, is not in attempting to rescue the gift from waste, but in not addressing the friend’s dissatisfaction as others here have suggested (‘Please let me replace it with something you do like’).”
“That would have been the smarter way to encourage shi**y friend to allow her to save the glasses by saving face in the moment for both OP and friend.”
“Instead, OP handed the friend a golden excuse to cast more public shade on OP as a person.”
“Don’t get me wrong, the friend is TA and OP should reconsider the entire friendship over this.”
“But OP is only guilty of providing an extremely thoughtful gift within her budget, and being a little clumsy in her attempt to rescue the situation. NTA.” ~ Hellasummat
“Absolutely NTA.”
“Yes, generally, a gift given is no longer yours.”
“The giftee can do what they want. HOWEVER.”
“In this situation, Mary had the audacity to be completely disrespectful and even talk down your gift to other guests AT THE BRUNCH where it was given!”
“I would absolutely have asked for them back and then I would have left because clearly Mary doesn’t have a lot of love for you.”
“You deserve a better friendship.” ~ mothernarwhals
“I would much rather receive a thoughtfully selected vintage item that I can’t just go out and buy myself new.”
“The world doesn’t need to be generating any more stuff that people don’t even want so it can be given out of obligation.”
“I couldn’t stay friends with someone who behaved this way.”
“OP is totally NTA.” ~ craigiest
“I would rather receive that too, but that’s my taste.”
“It’s only thoughtful if you’re thinking of what the recipient wants.”
“Not what YOU think is a good gift.”
“I think her friend is stuck up, however, it’s not thoughtfully picked out if the friend doesn’t like vintage or used s**t.”
“I don’t think OP is an AH, but I don’t think she’s automatically right just because her friend was snobby and rude.” ~ diamondgalaxy
“I see a few upvotes comments to this effect and I just don’t get it.”
“They’re antique crystal toasting flutes, not used bedsheets!!”
“This isn’t reduce/reuse/recycle, it’s a thoughtful choice of a high quality item meant to last lifetimes.”
“Maybe if she’d purchased them at an antique store or some high class auction house instead of an estate sale these comments wouldn’t be here.”
“And anyway, gifting is always supposed to be about the thought.”
“OP specified that this wasn’t a throwaway choice, she picked the flutes because they fit with her friend’s taste, were high quality, and were within her own limited budget.”
“It takes a shi**y friend to have an attitude about a gift that’s thoughtful, and an even shi**ier one to voice it publicly. NTA.” ~ DiElizabeth
“NTA. If she doesn’t want them, you can get her something else: a plate.”
“It’s shallow, just like her.” ~ LionCM
“OP is NTA because her friend said she’d be discarding the glasses.”
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone that if they’re going to get rid of something, then you’d be more than happy to get them back.”
“It would be one thing if her friend said she didn’t plan on using them.”
“But if they’re going to be given away, her friend is just as tacky as she suggested OP to be, and she should be gracious enough to return them if asked.”
“Her friend’s NTA about not liking the gift (she’s not required to like something just because it was given) but she’s a jerk for her response when OP asked for them back.”
“She could easily have said she has plans without being nasty.” ~ RandoCollision
“You’re NTA obviously.”
“But I will say… A lot of people don’t like used items.”
“For some, it’s icky or has negative associations.”
“I would rather give someone something homemade or flowers to stay in-budget than a used item just to avoid this type of scenario.”
“But you were super thoughtful, it’s a shame.” ~ Blue-Sky-4302
“NTA. I normally wouldn’t OK asking for a gift back, but she was openly rude and disdainful about a gift and then expressed that she was going to throw them away, which is wasteful.” ~ Constellation-88
“NTA. She was literally telling people at the brunch practically in front of you.”
“That is incredibly rude.”
“Normally, I’d say once given that that’s done but this case is absolutely the exception to the rule.” ~ Aquasabiha
“Technically, she is right about not being able to ask for the gift back.”
“But her behavior was so reprehensible that you’re NTA for doing it.”
“I collect fancy wine and champagne crystal glasses and would’ve been dancing with glee.”
“I guess this dingbat isn’t as fancy as she thinks she is if she’s never heard of antiques.”
“It’s time to retire your friendship with that ungrateful tw*t.” ~ RedneckDebutante
“NTA. Does she not realize that everything in a fine antique store or a Sotheby’s auction is ‘secondhand?'”
“She sounds insufferable.”
“She is not your friend.” ~ kittendollie13
“NTA, honestly I would have just grabbed ’em and left.”
“She’s rude as hell.” ~ PlayingGrabA**
“NTA. She was totally the AH so at that point you were reasonable to ask for it back.”
“She was an AH for how she reacted and more an AH for talking smack within earshot.”
“But I’m curious about that — you really heard her whisper those things? Sounds sus.”
“Or she is really a huge AH.”
“Sounds like a nice and thoughtful gift, and kind of fitting with the theme of a brunch (mimosas).” ~ New-Grapefruit1737
“Just tell the mutuals and your ex-friend that you asked for them back since she was upset and will get her something she likes.”
“Get them back and then don’t. NTA.” ~ Sea_Firefighter_4598
“NTA. You gave a thoughtful gift that fit her style and budget, and she openly disrespected it (and you) by complaining to others about it.”
“If she was just going to throw them away, it’s completely reasonable to ask for them back so they don’t go to waste.”
“She’s the one who was rude—both in how she reacted and in how she handled the situation behind your back.”
“Sounds like she values labels more than thoughtfulness.” ~ Key-Dragonfly937
“NTA. My attitude is that when a gift is given, it is the property of the recipient.”
“But honestly, with someone behaving this poorly, I would have probably just taken it back and left.”
“Miss Manners would be appalled at her behavior!”
“Honestly, reminds me of my own sister, and it is part of the reason we haven’t spoken in almost a decade.”
“She did something similar and it made me realize she was just overall very entitled, unpleasant and nasty to people.” ~ Latter-Refuse8442
“You have incredibly snotty and rude friends.”
“The way that she’s acting you’d think you told her that you rubbed them on your crotch before giving them to her.”
“NTA, but you need a better quality of friend.” ~Emperor_Arius
“NTA. She wants to talk about audacity.”
“She is 28 years old and is still receiving birthday gifts, at all, let alone with the tact of a toddler.” ~ Drebkay
“NTA. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you’re not extremely close.”
“You don’t need a friend who trash talks you over a gift you gave.”
“While asking for a gift back is normally not good etiquette, it was a good way for you to confront her for being an AH and disrespecting you to mutual friends.”
“And her reaction tells me she likes to play victim even when being the perpetrator.”
“You don’t need a friend like that.” ~ Good_Respect7408
“NTA. During my wedding reception, we received Champagne glasses from my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] who pretended it was a special gift that my spouse has always wanted.”
“My spouse had never seen the glasses before and they were etched by use in the dishwasher so I understand the recipient.” ~ beahero2002-
“She was very rude and you reacted. NTA.”
“But it’s not good form to ask for a gift back for any reason.”
“She sounds entitled.” ~ merishore25
“Ungrateful brat! NTA.” ~ Coquitlam444
“NTA: Return the friendship, it’s past its end by date.” ~ bloodrose_80
Reddit agrees with you OP.
Why should the gift go to waste?
Your “friend” was out of line and she was hurtful to your feelings.
Hopefully, you get the glasses back.
Getting the friend back?
That’s the question you may want to evaluate.
Good luck.