Everyone has different needs and wants in a relationship, and they also have different tolerance levels for what they'll put up with.
While some people might be perfectly willing to try to make the relationship work after cheating, others will see unfaithfulness as an end-all, be-all deal breaker, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Great-Sprinkles-4915 was among those who felt cheating was a deal breaker, with no exceptions, and acted accordingly when they found out their partner had been cheating on them.
But when their partner accused them of not giving them a heads-up about ending the relationship, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they should have talked to their ex-partner before filing the divorce paperwork.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for blindsiding my cheating spouse with divorce papers?"
The OP became aware of an affair their partner was having.
"My spouse has been having an affair for a few months now. I discovered it after seeing a message on their phone."
"They know cheating is a no-go for me and an instant relationship ender."
The OP organized the divorce papers.
"For that reason, I decided to go to a lawyer and get the divorce papers prepared without saying anything."
"Our relationship continued without a problem during these few weeks, and I served them the papers yesterday."
"They were shocked and asked me the reason, crying as if they did not know."
"I told them I knew about their affair."
The OP's partner accused them of "blindsiding" them about the end of their marriage.
"They said I should have talked to them before doing that and that we can still save our relationship."
"I told them saving it was not my responsibility as they are the one who killed it."
"They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything was okay was wrong."
"They said they could have at least prepared themselves if I were to let them know about wanting a divorce."
"I told them they could get ready with their lawyer now that they are served."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some wondered if the OP's partner warned them about the affair first.
"Did they tell you when they were starting the affair so you could prepare yourself?"
"Imagine the audacity to say you are cruel! NTA." - Outside_Frosting9957
"NTA."
"It's cruel that they let the cheater feel that they were getting away with it until the papers were served? That's pretty rich." - Single_Oven_819
"NTA. They should have given you a few weeks heads up that they will cheat so you could prepare yourself. Continuing the relationship as if everything was okay was cruel." - CiverBlack
"Yeah, they're so upset that they were blindsided and that OP was letting them go about their business while they planned to divorce them. Not at all unlike them, y'know, f**king someone behind OP's back and letting them be blindsided by an affair. That's totally different (sarcastic comment)." - WillBsGirl
"The partner thought that they were getting away with the affair, so they were blindsided that OP knew and was a person of their word about zero tolerance for cheating."
"NTA. You got blindsided with the affair. They got blindsided with the divorce. Seems fair." - panachi19
"Yes, it's very cruel to lie and go behind your partner's back! It's almost like... cheating!" - Kowai03
"NTA. Your spouse is the AH for blindsiding you with their cheating. Shame shame shame on them…" - SilverReality_2428
"The OP's ex: 'You should have talked to me before filing for divorce.'"
"The OP: 'You should have talked to me before you f**ked somebody else.'"
"NTA." - ericbsmith42
"A chess move was made while they were cheating playing checkers. H**l, the cheater knew this was a non-negotiable, so they should've gotten an attorney first! They had inside trading info, no pun intended, and could've blind-sided OP. They really have no room to blame the OP for anything." - BeaufortsMama2019
"The OP said, 'They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything was okay was wrong.' Seriously? This is coming from the cheater? Yup, they're cruel and wrong for not talking to you and just stepping out."
"The OP also said, 'They could have at least prepared themselves if I were to let them know about wanting a divorce.' You mean prepare excuses, blaming you, etc., etc.?"
"They obviously never planned to leave and continue with AP too. That's on them for having such an inflated ego that they thought they could continue being a sh*tty person and partner indefinitely to you."
"NTA. You did it perfectly." - Rosalie-83
Others agreed and could not believe the OP's soon-to-be ex was trying to play the victim.
"Situations like this just go to show that those who cheat are indeed narcissist sociopaths who only care about themselves and have the balls to play the victim."
"'What do you mean that you won't let me have the best of both worlds? How dare you blindside me like that?' - The OP's ex, probably." - chymerical
"It's all a fun mix of narcissism, projection, and DARVO-ing (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, Offender)."
"How could YOU be so cruel? How could YOU blindside ME? Don't you even care what I'm going through? You're a heartless, unfeeling monster. I don't even know who you are anymore."
"I grew up with a dad like this. Super easy to spot when you know the patterns." - InvectiveDetective
"The OP said, 'I told them saving it was not my responsibility as they are the one who killed it. They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything was okay was wrong.'"
"That's called DARVO. You're the aggrieved party, but your SO is looking for a moral high ground to claim and complain about, and since they can't find one they're making it through trying to twist the narrative."
"The fact is that cheaters don't deserve forewarning before being dumped or outed, and the claim that they do is indulgent to them and them alone."
"NTA." - DivineTarot
"Cheaters are unbelievably selfish. My ex-wife is a cheater and she's the most selfish person I've ever known. And I gave her a second chance after catching her about 17 years ago. Once a cheater, always a cheater. OP, I think you made the right choice to call it quits."
"For what it's worth, to prove how selfish my ex is, I recently found out she's been telling our son that her house is peaceful until he's there and that he alone is the source of all of her stress. Her life is out of control and crashing hard but she's too narcissistic and selfish to see that she's causing it." - Tim_Dawg
"I love the way this was handled. Don't even give them time to process the divorce and try to gaslight you and love-bomb you into staying in the relationship."
"They cheated, and the relationship was already over. NTA." - Courtaid
"NTA. It's not your fault that they cheated... Oh, and you should have been more miserable while they were with someone else?... They are delusional, and you owe them nothing except what the law requires." - boredathome1962
"OP's partner is mad they didn't get the opportunity to lie, deny, blame, and gaslight OP. Or to move all of the marital money over to a new bank account that the OP couldn't access. This was a beautiful way to handle a cheater." - AdEastern3223
"What they're really crying about is not being able to con OP into staying in a relationship with them to continue to feed their ego while they continue to cheat (or do literally anything else stupid enough to ruin a marriage)."
"I LOVE how this was handled. I actually wish all marriages were handled like this when it came to cheaters."
"Once you're caught, that's it: no talking, no convincing from the other party to stay because they will 'change for you,' just divorce papers right off the bat." - JustThoughtsEither
"You should have this, you should have that..."
"You know what, OP!? They should have been f**king loyal to you. End of story."
"Tell them to stop avoiding responsibility for what they did and gaslighting you for calling them out on their bulls**t. They broke their marriage vows. They are in no position to bargain, make demands, or make excuses."
"Throw them away and find someone better. NTA." - ArcAngelArtemis
"NTA if they really cared about saving the relationship they would have ended the affair themselves (or you know not even started an affair). Notice they only wanted to put the work in when faced with the consequences of their actions."
"Love the mental gymnastics they have going on to make you the bad guy here." - henchwench89
"NTA. Just like how you have to accept pregnancy as a possible outcome to unprotected sex, people should accept divorce as a possible outcome to cheating."
"They weren't the only one blindsided but they are the only one who deserves the outcome. You did nothing wrong here and didn't owe them the time for them to be able to scramble up a defense. I'm sure it sucks for them but this is the bed they made, it's only fair they lay in it." - panaccolade
The subReddit was shocked that the OP's soon-to-be ex-partner not only cheated on them but also expected a "warning" that their cheating could actually end their relationship.
If the OP's ex wanted to be able to live without warnings, they shouldn't have broken their share of the marital agreement.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.