One always tries to be there for their friends when they need us.
But sometimes, there will be obstacles which make being there for your friends difficult, if not impossible.
Particularly if you are the landlord to the friend in question, as was the case with Redditor PenelopeDreddfull.
Heavily conflicted about a recent development, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), seeking feedback on a hypothetical "Would I Be the A**hole" (WIBTA), asking fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA for telling my pregnant roommate to move out?"
The OP first explained the living situation they currently share with this friend, as well as the challenges that came with it.
"I (31 N[on]B[inary]) own my house and I rent a room to my friend Rose (26 F[emale])."
"We get along okay, but her life is a dramatic mess."
"She has a long track record of making terrible decisions."
"I try best to be supportive, but it's draining being around her some days."
The OP then revealed a new development in Rose's life which added yet another challenge to their delicate friendship.
"Well a few nights ago she told me she got pregnant hooking up with her on-and-off a**hat friend with benefits (FWB) that she loves to hate."
"Just before I went off on her for making yet another terrible decision, she said she was getting a termination and never going back to him."
"I figured okay, problem solved, we had a chat and left it there."
"But now she's waffling on whether or not she wants to keep it, and is honestly considering going through with it."
"I'm at the end of my rope and I'm going to snap."
"The guy she got pregnant with already has a kid he doesn't see, so he's proven to be absolutely useless as a parent, therefore keeping it will result in her having sole custody."
"I have supported my friend through eviction and unemployment, but I do not under any circumstances want to support a baby."
"I'm childfree and don't want to live with an infant."
"I know it's selfish of me to be like this, but that's the line I draw in the sand."
"But she's in debt, flat broke, can't drive, and honestly has nowhere else to go, nor can she afford a place on her own (I charge her way below market on rent)."
"WIBTA if I told her that if she keeps the baby she has 9 months to move out?"
"Her lease is up in January."
"Depending on how our conversation goes I'll either give her a new one from January to April, or I just won't renew it altogether and she moves out in January."
"Edit 2: Sorry for the confusion, but the baby would be due in July! "
"If I give her till the end of March or April she'll have plenty of time to get settled before the baby arrives."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
While most Redditors acknowledged that the OP found themselves in a very delicate situation, to say the least, they were also fairly uniform in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole in this difficult situation.
Though many urged the OP that having a serious conversation with this friend was imperative, sooner rather than later.
"NTA."
"But I'd have this conversation as soon as possible."
"That way she has enough time to make an informed decision." - Caribe92
"NTA be a supportive friend, however say she needs to find a home for her and her child."
"Be clear that you do not want a child in your home." - JonathanWelford
Others felt that the OP had no need to apologize for not wanting a child in their life, and that giving her 9 months to leave was more than generous.
"NTA."
"Babies make a house miserable & sleep-deprived."
"One thing if you want kids, another when they aren't yours."
"I'd STRONGLY recommend giving her way less than 9 months though…."
"Do the math on how long a legal eviction would take if she refuses to leave."
"She needs to out before birth or you WILL be babysitting, buying diapers/formula, etc?"
"Because she sounds like someone who will just go out partying whether you agree to watch the kid or not."- MuchPreferPets
"NTA."
"But you cannot give her 9 months as you will not evict a woman just about to deliver or with a newborn."
"Give her 2 months, as in tell her two, and if she's not showing any signs of moving get an eviction letter after 1 month." - TwoCentsPsychologist
"You aren't kicking a pregnant woman out of an apartment you are renting to her."
"You are booting her from your house because you don't want the noise or responsibility it will put on you."
"Makes perfect sense."
"The woman is irresponsible, anyway."
"NTA." - hdean667
Other's pointed out that Rose's previous poor decision making could likely find the OP ending up as the child's primary caregiver.
"NTA."
"So she has no money, no way to get around, and wants to have a baby?"
"I wonder how long it will take before you're stuck driving to all the baby related appointments and having to pay for stuff."
"Babies are expensive!"
"You should shorten the time frame because you want her out before the baby comes and they can come early." - Sweet_Persimmon_492
"NTA."
"Her poor choices are not your responsibility."
"I would say don't give her 9 months notice though."
"You are going to end up her sole support and driver during this pregnancy."
"Give her 30 days (60 if you are feeling generous), then thank your lucky stars you dodged that drama." - platypusandpibble
Several also pointed out how the OP has been far more than generous to Rose already, and they need to draw a line.
"NTA, your house your rules, and she's gotta learn to adult like the rest of us, even more so if she wants to raise a human being."
"You've been too accommodating to her as it is." - notrapunzel
One only hopes that this delicate situation will be handled with civility and respect.
And that this might be the beginning of the end of Rose's poor decision making.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.