When in a relationship, it can be easy to look so closely at all the ways your values align with the other person's that you assume you'll always agree.
One Redditor encountered that situation while navigating a big step in the relationship.
He posted about it all on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Dry-Body-7578 on the site, made it clear what it was all about with his title:
"AITA for not wanting to get my girlfriend an 'expensive' engagement ring?"
These are significant days for OP.
"I've (26-year-old male) been with my girlfriend (26-year-old female) for 4 years and we've recently been talking more and more about marriage."
Then OP got down to brass tacks.
"Although my GF grew up relatively well off, for the time I've known her she's been pretty low maintenance."
"She's never cared about designer brands, rarely buys new clothes, and the jewellery she owns was gifted to her."
For OP, it was the inverse.
"I have a decent job now (80k a year) and I've been saving for awhile, but growing up my family didn't have a lot of money."
"My GF and I have always seemed to be on the same page when it comes to saving money. I assumed she would be fine with a more affordable ring."
"When I started looking into rings, I discovered moissanite rings, which look similar to diamond rings but are much more affordable. I was looking at rings in the 1500 -1800 range."
OP thought that was no big deal.
"When I mentioned this to her she insisted she wanted a real diamond ring and sent me links to a bunch of diamond rings that she liked."
"The prices ranged from 6,500-10,000."
"I told her that I wasn't willing to spend that much."
"She seemed genuinely mad and said it wasn't 'that expensive' "
That led to a heated exchange.
"We got in a pretty big argument over it. I told her that it was ridiculous to ask me to spend that much and that I thought she was more reasonable than that."
"She said I was being cheap and that I could afford it and that I was basically saying she wasn't worth it. I told her no one is worth a 10,000 ring..."
"Eventually my GF said she didn't care and that I should get whatever ring I want but she's clearly still mad and I know this is going to be a an ongoing argument."
The whole thing left OP reflecting.
"I'm a bit frustrated because this seems out of left field. I've always known marriage is super important to her but I didn't realize she'd insist on a diamond ring."
"So I talked to my older sister about it, who despite agreeing diamond rings were stupidly priced, sided with my GF and said if I could afford it, she didn't see the big deal."
"She added that my GF has done 'so much' for me and I was being an a**hole about this."
That called for some backstory.
"What my sister means by my GF 'doing so much for me' is that she was really supportive when I was in a serious car accident 4 years ago."
"I broke multiple bones and required a few surgeries. Although where I live most healthcare is covered, I was unable to work for awhile and had expenses I wasn't able to pay. I had been dating my GF for only 6 months at the time and she was really there for me."
"I couldn't pay my rent so she let me move in with her for free and helped pay for a few expenses and for physical therapy I needed."
"She also helped me get a job with her uncle who was the VP of an insurance company (It was an entry level position and I had a business degree so it's not like I was unqualified)."
But for OP, the two were separate issues.
"Obviously I've thanked her for all she did for me but it's not something we talk about much."
"I don't think I'm obligated to buy an expensive ring because she helped me out a few years ago. But if my own sister said this I'm guessing my GF must feel the way as well. AITA here?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
While responses in the thread were somewhat mixed, a clear majority of people said that OP was indeed the a**hole.
"Gently, YTA. I completely get not wanting to spend your money like that or put any coin into the pockets of the DeBeers monopoly, but by saying 'no one is worth 10,000' you have inadvertently assigned monetary value to the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with."
"You both should sit down and look at alternatives together. Don't frame it as her not being worth it, try to educate her on the unethical nature of the diamond trade and see if she wants an alternative stone." -- canijustbelancelot
"YTA this is a ring she's going to be wearing 24/7 for the rest of her life. that is a HUGE deal. by your own admission she's not a materialistic person, this is just the one thing she wants. $6000 spread out over the next 60+ years is absolutely a worthy investment for your future wife."
"it's not about you owing her for her helping you. she did that because she loves you. this girl never asks for anything, you should be doing this because you love her. it would be different if you straight up couldn't afford it, but clearly you can." -- windyafternoon
"YTA Diamon rings start at 3500."
"1.500... a lot of people spend more on a gamimg set up that will be outdate in 4 years or other hobby equitment. You are being cheap here."
"So for me there would've been room for compromise by looking for cheaper options in similar styles then your gf send you" -- CakeEatingRabbit
Some, though, came out in support of OP.
"I'm gonna go against the grain and say NTA bordering on N A H."
"I agree that spending that much on a ring is stupid. However, if the only luxury item your gf wants is the ring and it's important to her, I can see her side of spending a lot of money."
"Overall, I think you two have some different ideas about money. Before you actually walk down the aisle you should probably sit down and hash out your different viewpoints." -- bureaucratic_drift
"NTA, my husband and I saved up for both our rings, split both of them 50-50. Why don't you offer that and see what she says? I don't know why it's the guys responsibility to pay for something she is going to be wearing for the rest of her life." -- ihateusernames2552
Although the differing responses don't necessarily offer OP a clear next step, they apparently pushed him to begin a process that might.
He explained in an edit to the original post.
"Edit: This post got way more attention then I expected. I've definitely reconsidered my stance. I'm going to talk about this more with her. Thanks for all your help."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.