There is a unique difficulty that comes from living close to people that you don’t know.
You see them living their lives and you just can’t help but form opinions about the little moments that you are able to witness.
Opinions happen, of course, but what do you do when you are urged to act on those opinions?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Lanky_Insurance8454 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for not caring about my neighbor’s infidelity?”
OP began with some transparency.
“Full disclosure. I’ve (47m) never witnessed anything myself and don’t really know these people. Everything I’m about to write comes from what my wife (39f) has told me.”
“This situation is about the neighbors directly across the street.”
“They moved in a couple of years ago and are a young couple.”
“If I had to guess, I think they’re in their early 30s.”
“We wave to each other when we see each other and have said hi a few times but I don’t know their names. I’ll just call them Bob and Susan.”
“Apparently Bob leaves for work earlier and comes home later than Susan.”
“My wife has a hybrid schedule where she works part of the week at the office and part of it at home.”
“Her home office is in the front of our house and looks directly into the house across the street.”
Everything was fine, until…
“Recently, she’s been telling me that when she works from home, she sees a man visiting the neighbor’s house either after Bob leaves for work or before he comes home.”
“She swears she once saw adult activities between this stranger and Susan because their curtains were open.”
“At first it was just humorous but as the weeks pass, my wife has gotten more and more agitated with the situation.”
“She wanted me to talk to Bob to tell him what’s going on to which I refused because it’s not our problem and we don’t know if they have an arrangement.”
“Then she started to take pics on her phone to show me the car and the guy. It was almost a fight to make her delete the pics.”
“Now the agitation has turned into full-blown anger at me.”
“Basically she’s mad that I’m not more concerned with Susan cheating on Bob.”
“I told her I have our lives to live, I simply don’t care what goes on in their house. This answer angered her so much she slept in the guest bedroom for a couple of nights.”
OP was left unsure if he was right or not.
“I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong by minding my own business but I also slept alone for a couple of nights.”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Redditors thought there might be some miscommunication here.
“NTA.”
“However, your wife may take your disinterest in the neighbor’s lives to mean that you are ok with infidelity.”
“This could create problems in your relationship.”
“I would first sit down and let the wife articulate how she feels, and listen to her ideas for notifying Bob.”
“I would then talk through the possible unintended consequences of getting involved in other’s relationships. (Violence, so-called ‘crimes of passion’, etc).
“If she’s still insistent that you get involved to notify Bob, then you might seek a third party to talk to, like a marriage counselor, for this one issue.”
“An uninvolved party may help clear the air.” ~ Shizzo
“Yes, you saved me having to type this.”
“I was thinking it has little to do with Bob and Susan but OP’s lack of interest. He says, I don’t care about Bob and Susan, she hears, it’s ok to cheat on someone.” ~ Independent-Idea1278
“‘However, your wife may take your disinterest in the neighbor’s lives to mean that you are ok with infidelity.'”
“Exactly my thoughts too.”
“She’s projecting her own insecurities onto this situation, and – whether or not she fully realizes it – is using your reaction to this as some sort of indicator as to how likely you are to cheat on her.”
“You’re NTA here, but I don’t think this is going to resolve itself on the current path you’re both on.”
“I agree with u/Shizzo’s advice word-for-word – sit her down at a calm/neutral time and talk this out as they articulated above. Hopefully that helps get things on a more level ground again.” ~ hannahsflora
Others pointed out that privacy is still a thing.
“Here’s the thing though, the wife has no idea what goes on in other people’s marriage.”
“They may have an open relationship or the wife could be having an affair, either way, it’s none of her business.”
“She’s literally making something that has nothing to do with her a big issue in her own home.”
“The wife is the nightmare neighbor that everyone dreads having, she’s wasting time that she supposed to be wfh on spying on the neighbors.” ~ Myalligatormouth
“Yup.”
“Tattletales love to come and tell me they found my partner on an online dating site – they get super upset when I tell them it’s none of their business.”
“People don’t actually care about others’ infidelity – they just like being nosey gossips.” ~ Sword_Of_Storms
Commenters pointed out that there might not be any cheating at all.
“Can we also acknowledge that open / poly relationships exist?”
“Like if you were friends with Bob, know their values – maybe you are doing something good as a friend.”
“But if you don’t know these people basically at all and start inserting yourself in their marriage?” ~ raevenx
Others questioned why the wife couldn’t just do it herself.
“Why doesn’t your wife waltz on over there and sing like a canary?”
“Why is this so important to her to butt into these people’s lives but doesn’t have the stones to do it herself?”
“Your wife is a huge a**hole for wanting you to do her dirty work for her. if this blows up in somebody’s face, it will be yours & not hers.”
“Let her continue to sleep in the guest room. You’ve done nothing wrong. NTA” ~ BeeYehWoo
“Because this is a reality show for her.”
“This is some morbid entertainment for her, and the moment she breaks the 4th wall and it becomes real, then it is no longer entertaining.”
“She’s okay with watching from afar, but not introducing and becoming the nosey neighbor character that puts themselves in other people’s business.”
“To be fair, it could be that they assumed they were a couple, since they have never talked to them before.”
“They could just be roommates, or siblings. Heck, they could have an open marriage.” ~ dragonbruceleeroy
“NTA”
“If your wife wants to ask/tell the neighbors about a likely affair, Your Wife can talk to Bob or Susan. If I was friendly enough to chat with either of them regularly, I would.”
“But she shouldn’t expect you, who didn’t see anything and really doesn’t care, to be an intermediary.”
“Hypothetical question – would you want Susan to tell you if your wife had a dude coming to your house on her work from home days, being visibly shirtless sometimes?” ~ Meghanshadow
OP returned to answer some frequent questions.
“Update”
“Thanks for all of your opinions. I’ll answer some of the questions you all have been asking.”
“Why did I make her delete the pics?”
“I’m not a lawyer and I don’t know the laws regarding taking people’s pics without their consent.”
“I figured it’s safest to not have them. If things get out of hand and we get sued for invading privacy, we don’t have money to waste on hiring a lawyer.”
“Why doesn’t my wife tell her themselves?”
“She’s an introvert and not comfortable with talking to someone she doesn’t know.”
“Also I’m guessing that she thinks it’s my job as a man to tell another man the bad news.”
“For those who think I’m TAH and why won’t I get involved.”
“I’ve watched enough news to know that a domestic situation is the most dangerous most cop will face in their career.”
“Cops are scared to go in with tools and backup.”
“I’ll be alone as the messenger.”
“Also, where we live neighbors just don’t get into other neighbor’s businesses.”
“Every year, there’s a story on the news about some neighbor getting hurt or worse by telling their neighbor to turn down the music or don’t cuss in front of children.”
“These incidents are very common where we live. I don’t need a hammer to my face.”
“The comments about my wife thinking I’m okay with infidelity really open my eyes. I never thought of that before and am grateful for this insight.”
“I will be talking to her about this.”
Opinions happen.
The difficulty is that opinions are not the same as facts and too often, as emotional beings, we act on the earlier as though it were the latter.
Be kind.