There is a unique difficulty that comes from living close to people that you don't know.
You see them living their lives and you just can't help but form opinions about the little moments that you are able to witness.
Opinions happen, of course, but what do you do when you are urged to act on those opinions?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Lanky_Insurance8454 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for not caring about my neighbor's infidelity?"
OP began with some transparency.
"Full disclosure. I've (47m) never witnessed anything myself and don't really know these people. Everything I'm about to write comes from what my wife (39f) has told me."
"This situation is about the neighbors directly across the street."
"They moved in a couple of years ago and are a young couple."
"If I had to guess, I think they're in their early 30s."
"We wave to each other when we see each other and have said hi a few times but I don't know their names. I'll just call them Bob and Susan."
"Apparently Bob leaves for work earlier and comes home later than Susan."
"My wife has a hybrid schedule where she works part of the week at the office and part of it at home."
"Her home office is in the front of our house and looks directly into the house across the street."
Everything was fine, until...
"Recently, she's been telling me that when she works from home, she sees a man visiting the neighbor's house either after Bob leaves for work or before he comes home."
"She swears she once saw adult activities between this stranger and Susan because their curtains were open."
"At first it was just humorous but as the weeks pass, my wife has gotten more and more agitated with the situation."
"She wanted me to talk to Bob to tell him what's going on to which I refused because it's not our problem and we don't know if they have an arrangement."
"Then she started to take pics on her phone to show me the car and the guy. It was almost a fight to make her delete the pics."
"Now the agitation has turned into full-blown anger at me."
"Basically she's mad that I'm not more concerned with Susan cheating on Bob."
"I told her I have our lives to live, I simply don't care what goes on in their house. This answer angered her so much she slept in the guest bedroom for a couple of nights."
OP was left unsure if he was right or not.
"I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong by minding my own business but I also slept alone for a couple of nights."
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Redditors thought there might be some miscommunication here.
"NTA."
"However, your wife may take your disinterest in the neighbor's lives to mean that you are ok with infidelity."
"This could create problems in your relationship."
"I would first sit down and let the wife articulate how she feels, and listen to her ideas for notifying Bob."
"I would then talk through the possible unintended consequences of getting involved in other's relationships. (Violence, so-called 'crimes of passion', etc).
"If she's still insistent that you get involved to notify Bob, then you might seek a third party to talk to, like a marriage counselor, for this one issue."
"An uninvolved party may help clear the air." ~ Shizzo
"Yes, you saved me having to type this."
"I was thinking it has little to do with Bob and Susan but OP's lack of interest. He says, I don't care about Bob and Susan, she hears, it's ok to cheat on someone." ~ Independent-Idea1278
"'However, your wife may take your disinterest in the neighbor's lives to mean that you are ok with infidelity.'"
"Exactly my thoughts too."
"She's projecting her own insecurities onto this situation, and - whether or not she fully realizes it - is using your reaction to this as some sort of indicator as to how likely you are to cheat on her."
"You're NTA here, but I don't think this is going to resolve itself on the current path you're both on."
"I agree with u/Shizzo's advice word-for-word - sit her down at a calm/neutral time and talk this out as they articulated above. Hopefully that helps get things on a more level ground again." ~ hannahsflora
Others pointed out that privacy is still a thing.
"Here's the thing though, the wife has no idea what goes on in other people's marriage."
"They may have an open relationship or the wife could be having an affair, either way, it's none of her business."
"She's literally making something that has nothing to do with her a big issue in her own home."
"The wife is the nightmare neighbor that everyone dreads having, she's wasting time that she supposed to be wfh on spying on the neighbors." ~ Myalligatormouth
"Yup."
"Tattletales love to come and tell me they found my partner on an online dating site - they get super upset when I tell them it's none of their business."
"People don't actually care about others' infidelity - they just like being nosey gossips." ~ Sword_Of_Storms
Commenters pointed out that there might not be any cheating at all.
"Can we also acknowledge that open / poly relationships exist?"
"Like if you were friends with Bob, know their values - maybe you are doing something good as a friend."
"But if you don't know these people basically at all and start inserting yourself in their marriage?" ~ raevenx
Others questioned why the wife couldn't just do it herself.
"Why doesn't your wife waltz on over there and sing like a canary?"
"Why is this so important to her to butt into these people's lives but doesn't have the stones to do it herself?"
"Your wife is a huge a**hole for wanting you to do her dirty work for her. if this blows up in somebody's face, it will be yours & not hers."
"Let her continue to sleep in the guest room. You've done nothing wrong. NTA" ~ BeeYehWoo
"Because this is a reality show for her."
"This is some morbid entertainment for her, and the moment she breaks the 4th wall and it becomes real, then it is no longer entertaining."
"She's okay with watching from afar, but not introducing and becoming the nosey neighbor character that puts themselves in other people's business."
"To be fair, it could be that they assumed they were a couple, since they have never talked to them before."
"They could just be roommates, or siblings. Heck, they could have an open marriage." ~ dragonbruceleeroy
"NTA"
"If your wife wants to ask/tell the neighbors about a likely affair, Your Wife can talk to Bob or Susan. If I was friendly enough to chat with either of them regularly, I would."
"But she shouldn't expect you, who didn't see anything and really doesn't care, to be an intermediary."
"Hypothetical question - would you want Susan to tell you if your wife had a dude coming to your house on her work from home days, being visibly shirtless sometimes?" ~ Meghanshadow
OP returned to answer some frequent questions.
"Update"
"Thanks for all of your opinions. I'll answer some of the questions you all have been asking."
"Why did I make her delete the pics?"
"I'm not a lawyer and I don't know the laws regarding taking people's pics without their consent."
"I figured it's safest to not have them. If things get out of hand and we get sued for invading privacy, we don't have money to waste on hiring a lawyer."
"Why doesn't my wife tell her themselves?"
"She's an introvert and not comfortable with talking to someone she doesn't know."
"Also I'm guessing that she thinks it's my job as a man to tell another man the bad news."
"For those who think I'm TAH and why won't I get involved."
"I've watched enough news to know that a domestic situation is the most dangerous most cop will face in their career."
"Cops are scared to go in with tools and backup."
"I'll be alone as the messenger."
"Also, where we live neighbors just don't get into other neighbor's businesses."
"Every year, there's a story on the news about some neighbor getting hurt or worse by telling their neighbor to turn down the music or don't cuss in front of children."
"These incidents are very common where we live. I don't need a hammer to my face."
"The comments about my wife thinking I'm okay with infidelity really open my eyes. I never thought of that before and am grateful for this insight."
"I will be talking to her about this."
Opinions happen.
The difficulty is that opinions are not the same as facts and too often, as emotional beings, we act on the earlier as though it were the latter.
Be kind.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.