It's a terrible feeling to realize that your relationship is struggling, but it's an even worse feeling when you and your partner agree to work on the relationship, only for you to realize that they have no intention of "working it out."
As a matter of fact, they usually go out and make the situation much worse, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ModernT1mes knew that his marriage was struggling between the pandemic, problems at work, and even PTSD, but he thought that he and his wife could work things out.
When she agreed to work on it with him, only to cheat on him instead, the Original Poster (OP) knew there was no relationship left to salvage.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for contacting the wife of the man my wife has been cheating on me with and telling her that her husband is cheating on her with my wife? My wife is mad at me for telling her."
The OP realized that his wife was cheating with a guy from work.
"I caught my wife three days ago sexting another man."
"Our 13 years of marriage have been on the rocks before I found out. She told me we could work on the relationship, only for her to turn around and cheat on me."
She tried to make the OP to blame when he reached out to the affair partner's wife.
"She was remorseful about it until I talked to the wife. I did some digging about this guy and found out he was married. I found her phone number and talked to her to tell her what happened and where to find the messages."
"Well, the guy and my wife work together, and he told my wife I told his wife."
"She is now 'disgusted with me' and says 'I had no right to tell her.'"
"I told her parents what was going on before she could spin a story about me, and they are upset with her. We live in a nice middle-class neighborhood with top schools and two kids (ages 7 and 3). They're upset the kids are caught in her bulls**t."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his wife had no right to feel disgusted about his admission.
"She cheated, and she feels disgusted with you? That's some serious gaslighting. Time to send her packing, honestly. NTA." - mfk_1974
"Such a pity she had to deal with the consequences. I've seen coworkers cheat, and it never ends well."
"I sent a former employee to HR for an undisclosed relationship with a coworker after I caught them together in the supply room. I'm not forgiving, because if they do that to their spouse, they'll definitely lie and betray coworkers. Both got fired and had to go home and explain why." - RaucousPanda512
"You're not the one who broke the trust in your marriage, and your wife needs to focus on her own choices." - magnentaangelx
"Yeah, I'm sorry, but the moment someone cheats in a relationship, they forfeit the right to 'feel disgusted' at other people." - DivineTarot
"It blows my mind when these people try to take the moral high ground in these situations."
"They were effing CHEATING and still have the gall to basically say, 'How DARE you make us accountable for our f**k up?!'" - Humble_Nobody2884
"NTA, OP. We are all disgusted with your wife. She has no right to feel whatever she feels unless it's remorse and shame." - Kindly-Addition1793
Others agreed and said the wife was living a classic "f**k around and find out" scenario.
"Actions, meet Consequences. Tell her you gained that right and that obligation when she cheated."
"You gave the other spouse what your wife never gave you: the right to make an informed decision on the state of her marriage with all the facts. NTA."
"She FA (f**ked around). Now she gets to the FO (find out) stage." - 2cents0f**ks
"If I were that person (the affair partner's wife), I would want to know 100% of the time. So you're not the a**hole; you're a great person for doing the work, finding her, and giving her the unfortunate news."
"Your wife, hopefully former, and soon, is the real gem in this story, and the 'best' part is that she turned herself into the gem she is. NTA all the way." - 73629265
"Your wife was still invested in the affair. She was not done with him, and this makes it even harder to keep going now that his wife is on the case, too."
"Her reaction gives it all away. It's crystal clear that she's still f**kin' around. I'm sorry, buddy. Good luck." - Only_Opinion_2271
"NTA. Your wife is more worried about the man she's cheating on you with than you or your marriage." - yesimreadytorumble
"NTA. She also may be in trouble at work now if they have fraternization rules."
"Adultery destroys at least two families, every time. She should have known better and not let her hormones drive the train. Him too." - PianoQuirky2510
"If your soon-to-be ex-wife expects loyalty from you to not expose her affair, tell her all your loyalty to her evaporated when she chose to cheat on you, and not with a dude who is single, but a dude who is also married, so any loyalty she expects from you went away when she and her affair partner chose to be homewreckers."
"She can be disgusted all she wants, but she brought this on herself, so she needs to kindly shut the absolute f**k up." - Limp_Pipe1113
"A couple of other things to think about. If your wife were truly remorseful, she would have reached out to his wife to apologize for what she'd done. Also, she would have cut off contact with her affair partner."
"The fact that they're still talking at work should be a huge red flag that the affair isn't over. If either you or the other wife is considering reconciling, then at least one of them needs to find a new job." - Soggy-Beach-1495
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I really appreciate the support, advice, and validation from this community. The question seems stupid because I've been gaslit and manipulated, and I really needed that Reddit reality check. There are so many replies, I can't find the people whose advice I took to heart and used."
"But to the people who mentioned DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender), I appreciate you."
"Same with the people who said I wasn't obligated to keep a cheater's secret and that I gave that wife what she never gave me: the ability to make an informed decision on the state of her marriage with all the facts. Her response was alarming, and I see that now."
"To the people who said to kick her out. I can't do that because we both own this home, and she's entitled to live here by law. I'm trying to keep things civil and clean for the kids. As much as I want to burn this house to the ground, I have to do what's best for the kids and myself right now."
"I went no contact with her after I made this post. Just completely ignored her."
It was clear that the OP's wife wasn't ready to face the reality of what she had done.
"It was her turn to watch the kids tonight, so it was easy to spend time with a friend and clear my head."
"She eventually texted me (my preferred method of communicating messy things), apologizing for how things went down, but then she tried to justify her cheating, saying she wanted a divorce when she did it and told me so (which is not true; she led me on saying maybe we can fix things and I showed her the texts to prove it)."
"I then referred to the DARVO wiki and told her, 'You don't believe what you did is cheating is incredibly narcissistic, and you're victim blaming me. You're highlighting your suffering to appear as the victim and escape blame.'"
"She denied trying to be the victim and said she wasn't blaming me but didn't deny trying to escape blame."
"I told her she led me to believe our 13-year relationship was salvageable, but then she cheated on me when she made up her mind and didn't tell me."
"She told me that was fair for me to say, apologized, and now we're sleeping in separate rooms."
It's interesting when people do something terrible, like cheating, they believe they're entitled to that transgression remaining a secret between themselves and the people they hurt, but that isn't how the world works.
If the OP's wife didn't see herself being happy in the marriage anymore, she should have acted accordingly, which would have been filing for divorce, not cheating her way out of the situation and then trying to keep the act quiet.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.