The division has intensified in the current political environment and such polarizing among family members in particular should not be taken lightly.
The easiest solution to maintaining the status quo is to avoid discussing conflicting ideology and political views at any family gathering.
One woman found this to be a challenge on one occasion when seeing her in-laws, who non-verbally demonstrated they clashed over a specific point of view.
When voiced her concern after some time passed, it led to drama, which prompted her to visit the "Am I the A** Hole?" (AITAH) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Dramatic_Net_5062 asked:
"AITAH for not immediately confronting my BIL over his tattoo and asking him to leave my house?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I, 26 F[female], was recently visited by my husbands, two sisters, their partners, and their two children as they live about 6 hours away and were staying with family near us on their way to a camping weekend and spent the day with us before moving on."
"My BIL is my polar opposite and to an extent, his wife (husband's sister) though she mostly keeps her views to herself and on a surface level, we seem to have a lot of common ground,d but in the same breathe, we don't, because of who she chose to marry and his views. She's just not as likely to raise things like that in a family setting (politics, religion), etc."
"BIL owns his own company and has been warned by friends/family not to promote his political views on his work vehicles (they're all Republican) a couple of years ago and made a big deal about it before ultimately deciding not to but it's still something brought up to this day that he was silenced and that anyone who would deny his service over politics was stupid amongst other not so nice things."
The OP continued:
"Despite all of this, we've maintained a surface-level relationship as we don't talk directly to each other (no reason to honestly, not for any particular reason), and when we see each other in person, he's actually quite nice to talk to, and we've had a good laugh together."
"In the 8 years I've been in the family, I boiled it down to being in the south (I'm originally from a less religious country) and that it was just how parts of America were, and not once have I heard him make racist statements in my presence."
"This changed during the visit when he unveiled that he had bought a tattoo gun from Amazon and had tattooed a small but very distinctive swastika on his upper thigh."
"He obviously did it with the intent that, technically, it would always be covered, and no one would know, but I guess he felt the need to show us and let us in on it. I didn't say anything in the moment, my husband and I spoke quietly about it in the kitchen and decided it wasn't worth ruining the visit over as we wanted to see the children."
Unfortunately, this wasn't a situation where the concern would just go away on its own.
"However, when they left my SIL messaged me only a few hours later that she noticed our reactions and wanted to make sure everything was ok."
"We hadn't discussed what we were going to do going forward yet, but I guess I decided for us that I would broach the topic and tell her that I'm not comfortable with her husband visiting our house anymore and that any visits down their way, we would be civil but we would not stay with them for the visit and it would mostly be about her, the children and my other SIL."
"She got very upset over text with me and seemed mostly hung up on if we had such a problem with it, why didn't we say anything in the moment?"
"I argued that we didn't want to escalate it despite feeling guilty for being a bystander in a way to it all. I don't think that it would have been right in front of the children either, and honestly, I really didn't think that anyone I would be associated with would do something like that."
"Im not worried that I was in the wrong for essentially setting boundaries and cutting ties but I always thought that I would be able to confront something like this directly when I saw it and I ultimately didn't."
"AITAH for waiting for them to leave?
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA."
"He and her wanted a reaction. They wanted the drama."
"Stop giving her a pass, she married a racist nazi."
"Getting a swastika tat is going to lead to one of two reactions. 1. Wow, you are a POS like me. Or 2. You are a racist POS. He knows it. She knows it. They know where you stand already. He wanted to stir up crap. You did not give it to them. Which honestly, you are a better person than me." – DuePromotion287
"NTA, although a more devious reaction would have been 'Wow, I can't believe you did that. I have to get a picture of that (include his face in the picture).' Then post to social media and tag his company, perhaps with his quote about how anyone who wouldn't want to do business with him because of his views is an idiot. If he wants a reaction, let his customers give him one." – dataslinger
"Yep. The SIL calling after the fact to say she 'noticed your reactions' just shows that she was looking for your reactions."
"BIL's (and by proxy, SIL's) sole motivation for showing you his tattoo was to start some drama. They were hoping your reaction would result in a heated confrontation so that they could act all slighted and have reason to demean you and your political views (likely with some catchy 'woke' talking points)."
"She was calling because they were perturbed that you kept it in check and proved to be the better humans. They still needed that reason to feel slighted."
"Sounds like you handled it just perfectly, OP. The real test will be if your husband stands by your decisions, or if he's pulled to 'look the other way' because it's family." – KinksAreForKeds
"NTA."
"Confronting a Nazi could be extremely dangerous. Removing him safely from your home before having this conversation was absolutely the right thing to do. Your SIL is also a Nazi if she is happy to be married to a man who wants to tattoo himself with a hate symbol. You shouldn't have any kind of contact with either of them going forward. Even if that means you can't see the children." – Cursd818
"She wants to play the victim just as badly as he did with his car stickers. When you wear on your skin the symbol of monsters who murdered tens of millions of innocent people finding a way to play the victim is tough."
"Just tell her he's a nazi and she's a nazi sympathizer, and you want nothing more to do with either of them. They'll raise their kids to be like them too, stay away from them all." – Beth21286
"Exactly. I just can't understand how anyone could support the Nazi party, let alone tattoo its symbol on their body. I don't care about the swastika's origins.... Nazis turned it into a symbol of hate, violence, and oppression, and it simply has no place in today's world. Good for her for standing up for herself."
"If someone got a swastika tattoo, I'd cut ties with them. And if anyone had a problem with that, I'd cut them off too."
"OP is definitely NTA here." – Evelynema
"Definitely NTA. It is one thing to have certain political views, but the swastika is a symbol of bigotry, hate, and oppression. It has no place in today's society, and anyone who puts something like that on their body would never be in my company, and certainly not in the company of my children. I don't care whether you are from the south, the north, or Mars."
"I also do not think you were wrong for not saying something there and then. My initial reaction to such a revelation would be total shock, and when something like that happens, you were right to speak with your husband privately and take no immediate action. This is something that needed to be deliberated and carefully discussed, and having a full-on confrontation in front of your children and his would not make sense in my opinion."
"It is really hard for me to comprehend why someone could support the Nazi party, let alone put its symbol on their body. I don't care what the origins of the swastika are. The Nazis made it a symbol of hate, murder, and oppression, and it simply has no place in today's world. Good for you for standing up for yourself." – EsquireMI
Overall, Redditors were repulsed by the BIL's support of the extremist group that supported the mass extermination of millions of Jewish people.
As far as Redditors were concerned, they thought the OP and her family should steer clear of the BIL and his wife, especially since she is part of the problem by association.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.