Who does an engagement ring belong to?
As a gift, one would assume it belongs to the recipient. But many states in the U.S. have added laws to address claims on engagement rings. Factors such as did the couple marry, why or why not, and the ring's provenance—is the ring a family heirloom?—are all considered.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her former fiancé's mother issued an unexpected request.
RingaRingaRosies asked:
"AITA for wanting to keep my engagement ring from my late fiancé?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (36, female) lost my fiancé nearly eleven years ago in car crash. We were both in the car, but I got out with only minor injuries while he died instantly."
"This messed me up quite a bit and I was in and out of therapy and support groups for years over this. The support group is where I met my current partner (45M), he is a widower who lost his wife to cancer and we understood each other's pain a lot and bonded over it."
"Three years ago we started dating and we moved in with each other last month. My current partner is not my new fiancé or my husband."
"I call him my partner because he feels, at his age, being called a 'boyfriend' is a bit too humorous as if he's young, but if we are being technical, he is a boyfriend. We have only just moved in together."
"I've remained close with the family of my late fiancé since I lost him and they were a great support to me in the first few years. However, his Mother (61, female) asked me last week for the ring he gave me back since I'm now seriously involved with another man."
"She said she wanted the ring to keep in the family and it'd mean a lot to have it. This upset me, the ring he gave me wasn't a family ring and it's garnet and emerald ring he picked out because those are our birthstones and I didn't want a traditional diamond."
"We picked the ring out together and he saved for months to get me it. It holds a lot of beautiful memories for me even if it's bittersweet. I'm now at a point where I can enjoy the good memories without too much pain."
"The value of it outside of my own emotions is mostly because it was a custom ring. It's not even gold, it's silver, gold has never suited me. The gems, while beautiful, aren't anything insanely expensive."
"I doubt anyone would spend a lot of money to buy a resale of a custom ring that isn't their own design. I really, really hope that she doesn't want to sell it if she's needing money which I hope isn't the case. If I knew she needed money I'd give her money of course."
"Me being in a relationship now doesn't mean I have this ring gathering dust in a drawer somewhere. I wear it on my right hand now, the same way my partner wears his wedding ring."
"We both feel it's OK to honour our lost loves this way and neither of us have any jealousy or negative feelings over this. Hell, we have a picture of my fiancé and his wife on the wall of our livingroom."
"I told her I could understand if it had been a family ring he'd inherited, though that would still have made me feel a little weird to have her asking for it back, but it isn't a family ring. It's my ring that we picked out together and I plan to wear it for the rest of my life."
"He was an only child, and had no children, so I don't know what she would do with the ring—she has no one to pass it on to."
"She insisted it should be back in the family, however, and that she wanted it as it was the last major purchase he made before he died. I ended up hanging up on her as I was so upset and I've been avoiding her calls since."
"My partner is angry on my behalf that she even asked this and told me she was being ridiculous and that I should wear the ring as long as I want to. I can't help but feel like I'm being punished for finding someone to make me happy. That I was supposed to mourn him forever in her eyes."
"I've spoken to my parents about this too to get their insight on it, and my mum feels that maybe I should give the ring back as his mother is clearly just hurting and wants to hold onto something of her son. My dad, meanwhile, says he can see both sides of this, and it's my choice."
"I don't know, I might be a bit too emotional over this. Am I being the a**hole or unreasonable here?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole here as I want to keep the ring of my late fiancé, even though I'm with someone new, despite his mother wanting it. I lost my fiancé, but she lost her child, so perhaps I'm not being considerate enough to her, as she always supported me after I lost him."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You keep saying give the ring back. Stop using that language. There is no one to give it back to; it belongs to you and only you."
"That she would even ask is strange, but that is not your problem. The ring is yours. The answer is no. If she chooses to hold this against you, just let her."
"This has nothing to do with you. I would tell her there is no way on earth I would ever part with the ring the love of your life purchased just for you. Sometimes you have to let people feel the way they feel and sometimes their feelings ruin a relationship. You are NTA." ~ BigtoeB
"You do not give her the ring back. It was a gift that represented the love between you and your fiancé. It is YOUR ring."
"This request is most likely driven by a new facit of her grief because while you are moving on (congrats on finding what sounds like a good one!) and it is emphasizing what her son can never do. It is still not your issue to fix."
"If you want to be nice, you can give her grace around making such a ridiculous request but that's as far as it should go."
"Tell her, 'I know how much losing a fiancé affected us all, and I have appreciated the support of your family as we all found a new normal. I love your son deeply and will not be parting with the symbol of that love that we picked out together and that was gifted to me. I understand seeing me finally move on may be affecting your grief, and if you need some space, I can give you that. I will forgive you for making such an inappropriate request as long as the matter is dropped and never brought up again."
"Then refuse to engage in any conversation about the ring and don't leave it anywhere she has access to." ~ bug1402
"NTA. It doesn't need to go 'back to the family' when it was never in the family. It was picked out by you together."
"It's not even something that you even have stored away; it's something you actively wear and remember him by. Would still be NTA if this were the case."
"The fact that she waited until now says this has everything to do with her feelings of you being in this relationship, not even about the ring itself. If you still want this relationship with her, just let her know the answer is no and any conversation that brings it up again will get ended immediately."
"The timing seems like it's a 'If you're moving on, you don't deserve anything of my son's' kind of reaction. It's a punishment. NTA." ~ Realistic_Bit6965
"NTA. She insisted it should be back in the family, however, and that she wanted it as it was the last major purchase he made before he died."
"This is weird. It can't go back 'in' the family because it was never 'in' the family to begin with."
"And what if his last major purchase had been a kayak. Would she have wanted that back?"
"To me, it sounds like she is a bit upset by you moving on." ~ Impressive_Moment786
Depending on where the OP lives, her legal footing could be weak or strong. No marriage occurred, but the couple didn't call off their engagement. And the ring isn't a family heirloom. There are also no heirs to pass the ring on to.
Hopefully, this issue can be resolved out of court.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.