People experience fear for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes it's an irrational phobia without an easily discernible reason.
But sometimes there is an easily identified trauma or series of traumas that account for the person's fears.
A woman living with a roommate she barely knows encountered their fears by accident. It left her wondering how to address them.
So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit with a hypothetical "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) scenario seeking moral judgment on her proposed solution.
Redditor aitascaredofmen asked:
"WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Despite living with each other for a while, my roommate and I really aren't friends. I don't dislike her or anything, she's just very shy so we don't talk a lot."
"She doesn't like leaving the place, so even before quarantine, she'd always be watching my dog, watering plants, cleaning, cooking, etc..."
"There's not really an even distribution of chores. I always feel guilty, but she says she enjoys doing it, so we've just sort of left it at that."
"She spends most of the time in her room. To make up for it, I pay a bit more rent than her and I make small concessions—she doesn't like any movies past the PG rating, so I have to watch most movies/tv in my room, for example."
"It doesn't really bother me."
"My boyfriend and I started dating at the beginning of quarantine, and he never came over until a few days ago. We both self-quarantined for two weeks to do this, so it was a bit of a big deal, and we planned to meet up more."
"The pandemic isn't an issue for this."
"We didn't see anyone for two weeks, which is the standard where we live. We're also not having sex or anything."
"I tried to introduce her to my boyfriend, and she mumbled a 'hi' and just left to her room. Apparently she had a full-on panic and threw up on the floor."
"She admitted to me after that she's very, very afraid of men and cannot handle them being in her home. She said in public it's hard, but in her own home, it's completely overbearing."
"[Before I moved in] she only told me that she won't leave the house often, the thing about movies, she's vegetarian, she doesn't have a phone, and she needs somebody to pick up her checks for her."
"I just wish I'd known ahead of time. I don't think she's in therapy because she doesn't leave the house."
"She gets checks from the government and I know she writes for money, but I don't know details of either."
"I asked her if she could handle being in another room while he's there, and she says just knowing a man is in her home triggers this. The only trouble is, my boyfriend and I really want to see each other again."
"WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided there were no a**holes here (NAH).
"NAH. Sounds awful for her, but the whole 'And hey, I can never have men in my home' conversation needs to take place BEFORE you move in with someone."
"You don't just drop that in like it's no big deal." ~ madelinegumbo
"NAH. Look, your roommate needs professional help and you likely need to find a better living situation."
"This roommate situation isn't going to work out well for either of you, so start looking for alternatives. Meanwhile, please suggest to her that she seek help." ~ siouxfallsairport
"NAH, but this isn't sustainable. One of you needs to move." ~ tempestelunaire
"It sounds like she has experienced some sort of trauma. The not leaving the house and intense fear of men scream trauma."
"It's possible she hasn't always been this home bound."
"It's hard because I think she should have disclosed sooner that this would be an issue. If I were paying rent somewhere (especially the majority) I would expect to be able to have my boyfriend over as long as they were courteous."
"For this reason I wonder if you should broach the topic of changing your living arrangement?"
"I also think you need to be sensitive and empathetic here. I don't want to armchair diagnose or project traumas, but it sounds like something awful may have happened."
"As her friend, the kindest thing to do may be to try to meet her half way. Can you go to your boyfriends?"
"Is she willing to try therapy and work toward having some men over in the long term?"
"It's ultimately up to you, OP. NAH." ~ lunielunerson
"Let's just bypass arguments about if you owe your roommate such a large accommodation."
"Are you really going to enjoy spending time with him in your home knowing she's in another room having a panic attack and/or vomiting from the stress it causes her?"
"Here's my thinking: regardless of how unreasonable asking it is, at least in the short term there's only two possible outcomes: invite him knowing it will cause your roommate to have a panic attack or don't invite him at all."
"There appears to be zero options where the boyfriend is over and no panic attacks involved."
"I presume that when OP says she wants to invite him over, she really means that she wants to enjoy time with him in her home."
"If OP can not actually enjoy time with him in her home knowing her roommate is having a panic attack as a result, then inviting him over does nothing to fulfill her aim and the question about if she'd be an a**hole to continue is effectively moot." ~ agreywood
The OP returned with an update.
"Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I may not know her that well, but I really don't want to see her in that condition again."
"It's a little sad, though. She and I talked about it."
"I think this was finally the thing to break down some walls between us, and we're actually becoming friends. She's agoraphobic and has had a lot of horrible stuff happen to her that I can't even imagine."
"I'm so glad we're finally becoming friends, though! I don't think she really has anyone, and I'd like to be there for her."
"I've got her started on watching some of my favourite old movies (a lot of them are PG but still good for twentysomethings), and I hope this will make the quarantine go faster."
"She's definitely had a rough life and I'd hate the idea of making that worse."
It sounds like the OP and her roommate have forged an understanding. Hopefully they can build on this.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.