Offering to help is a polite thing to do.
Most of the time.
It's admirable if your intention is merely to offer a pair of helping hands to someone you think might need it.
And should they say no, you can step away with no problem.
However, offering to help when you think the person is incapable of doing something, based on their personality, or worse, gender, is simply condescending.
Redditor Fluffy-Dragonfly2281 was recently faced with this problem when her roommate's boyfriend paid a visit to their apartment.
After repeatedly declining his offer to help, the original poster (OP) finally lost her patience, and offered some choice words to her roommate's boyfriend.
Concerned she may have been out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my roommate's boyfriend to f*ck off?"
The OP explained how her roommate's boyfriend's apparent inability to hear the word no finally led her to lose her patience.
"I was putting together a piece of furniture in the living room when my roommate showed up with her boyfriend."
"I don't know her boyfriend well, but we have had only positive or neutral interactions in the past, which is why this is kind of weird."
"I said hi, but I didn't really look up from what I was doing because I was trying to focus."
"They went into the kitchen for a little and then he came out with a drink and asked what I was doing."
"I explained that I was putting together a table."
"He bent down and picked up a bag of screws."
"I said, not in a confrontational tone of voice, 'oh, don't touch those'."
"'I have everything organized'."
"He put them down and I continued what I was doing."
"I put the instruction booklet down and screwed in a piece."
"While I was doing so, he picked up the instruction book."
"This annoyed me."
"When I finished screwing the piece in I said I needed the book back."
'He asked if I wanted help."
"I said no, just the book."
"He said 'I can read the steps to you'."
"Or you can read the steps and I'll put the pieces together for you'."
"I said 'or I can read the steps and put the pieces together'."
"'I can also walk and chew gum at the same time, too'."
"'Give me the book back'."
"He said that it 'looked complicated'."
"At this point, I was really annoyed, because I hate being interrupted when I'm focusing on something, and now I've completely lost my train of thought."
"So I said 'well, it isn't'."
"Now kindly fuck off'."
"He put the book down and walked away."
"He and my roommate went to her room and hung out."
"I finished what I was doing and then went to my room."
"After he left, my roommate asked me what happened."
"She said 'you never go from 0 to 60 like that, what the hell?'"
"I told her I just got irritated."
"She said it was an asshole move because her BF was just trying to be helpful."
"I get that, but I didn't need or what help."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for snapping at her roommate's boyfriend.
Everyone agreed that the boyfriend of the OP's roommate was making sexist assumptions, and he should have taken "no" for an answer the first time he heard it.
"NTA."
"You can tell her the following if she wants an explanation."
"He asked, you answered."
"He didn't take no for an answer."
"No means no."
"You were focused!"
"He was messing with your focus and that he was out of line by being persistent and asking again AND touching your stuff."- Ancient_TeacherMom20
"NTA mate."
"People need to take no as an answer, especially when it's said nicely."
"But we all know sometimes a firm 'f*ck off' does just as well in situations likes this."- Successful-Phone7038
"NTA!"
"You were giving clear cues that you did not need or want help and he was ignoring them."
"The comment about it looking 'complicated' honestly seems pretty sexist."
"It made the whole situation seem like he was showing off his masculinity rather than genuinely wanting to help."- Griffgirl777
"Ugh I really hate this."
'Female welder here."
"How often I haven't had male friends or friends of my roommate just pull a tool out of my hands because I must be needing their help?"
"Or them explaining stuff to me that I have learned for and they haven't."
"So frustrating."
"Luckily my now boyfriend just respects me and my knowledge, I even fixed his bike for him and he was just thankful to have a fixed bike and to have learned something new."
"NTA."- amoo23
"NTA."
"He asked twice and you said no twice and he didn't know how to take a hint so what'd he expect."-withluv-613
"NTA."
"He asked twice and you said no twice and he didn't know how to take a hint so what'd he expect."-withluv-613
"NTA."
"No."
"He told the roommate he was 'just trying to be helpful'."
"In fact he was interrupting her train of thought and persisted when she asked him to NOT fuss with her stuff."
"It's like saying: 'it was just a joke" when someone says something insulting'."
"NO, it's not just a joke it's a backhanded way of being an a**."
"Either they were doing it on purpose or they're too stupid to understand how to behave."
"No was the answer and he should have left when she said it the first time."- Ghitit
"I go NTA."
"He was being too pushy."
"You told him twice that you didn't need help."- RighteousVengeance
"A woman!"
"Holding tools!"
"Clearly you don't know what you're doing!"
"Don't worry, The Man is here to help!"
"NTA."
"At least you told him kindly to f*ck off."- Fine-for-now
"What is it with men and their inability to process the word 'No'?"
"A question was asked."
"An answer was given."
"Job done."
"NTA here."- RidgyFan78
"'This looks complicated'."
"Buddy, step AWAY from my Ikea puzzle, I thrive on this shit!"
"NTA."- One_Butterfly1161
"NTA."
"Asked nicely once."
"Asked nicely twice."
"Gotta give him the f*ck off the third time since he wasn't taking no for an answer."
"Is this something he learned as a child?"
"If he asks enough times he'll get what he wants?"
"I recognize he was trying to help but you didn't ask for or require help."
"I wonder if he would have been this insistent with one of his guy pals."- fallingfaster345
"NTA."
"He asked if he could help, you declined."
"That should've been the end of the interaction but no, he just had to keep trying."
"He got the response he deserved for not accepting your first answer."- FoodLion_owns_me
"NTA."
"I have ADHD and autism, assembling furniture is a HUGE dopamine boost."
"Asking if I need help ONCE is forgivable, because they might not know better, but if they push after that I'm gonna tell them to fuck of, I'm not letting some random person steal my fun, might be different if I'm working on something large enough that I NEED an extra hand."- iamjustacrayon
"NTA."
"Unless you were suffering from hysteria."- nickything
"Totally not TA."
'It is so infuriating when a 'know it all' tries to interfere when you are in the middle of doing something and are totally organized."
"You said no twice, if it were me I'd have simply said, give me the sodding book back and bugger off, I'm busy."
"I think you were overly polite to someone who was inferring that you were not capable of completing the task on your own."
"Both your roommate and her BF were the A's."- nicol_turren
"Sounds like he wanted to be the hero in your action book."
"NTA."- wfhomealone
"He would never have done that if you were a guy."
"Trying to force participation on someone isn't nice or 'helpful'.'
"It's condescending."
"You didn't pop into existence just so he could flex his skills with a wrench."
"You built furniture before him, you'll build furniture after him."
"Dude needs to check his ego."
"NTA."- TheRebelArsenal
"NTA."
"'F*ck off' was a bit of a jump but he was being a dick for assuming you needed help."
"You told him you didn't need help and that should have been the end of it."- k_c_2005
Perhaps the OP's boyfriend was only trying to be chivalrous, and felt that she needed help.
Still, he should have taken the hint after the first time the OP said "no".
Nor was he wise to touch and move around the assembly line of items the OP had organized to help her with efficiency.
Perhaps if the OP continuously offers to help with something he's working on, despite his constant declining, he might get a sense of where her reaction came from.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.