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Redditor Called ‘Unreasonable’ For Telling Roommate Her Boyfriend Can’t Stay Five Nights A Week

couple cuddling on couch
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Living with a roommate requires communication and compromise.

One area of contention can be the presence of significant others in shared spaces.

How much is too much?

A person dealing with their roommate’s boyfriend constantly being under foot turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Secret-Mind650 asked:

“AITA for telling my roommate her boyfriend (BF) can’t sleep over 5 nights a week?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“It’s pretty straightforward—my roommate’s BF is over five days a week. I told her he can’t be here 5-6 days a week because I pay to live with one other person, not two.”

“Our place also only has one bathroom. She is upset with me and thinks I’m being unreasonable because I have my BF over too.”

“My BF is over two nights a week at most on the weekend. Usually, it is only one night because I work weekends.”

“I asked her when we moved in if it was okay to have my BF over for a day on the weekend. She said it was fine if her BF could stay for a day as well.”

“Then she slowly moved him in.”

“They go to the same school, same program, same city, so they see each other all day, every day. It’s not like they don’t have time to hang out.”

“He ‘lives’ with his parents, and I think it’s about 30-40 minutes away from their school. If he only came over for a few hours every day, I wouldn’t mind, but he’s here 24 hours a day, five days a week.”

“He is here all day minus the 6-8 hours he’s at school on some days. He doesn’t have school every day, only some.”

“He’s here almost as much as I am!”

“My roommate doesn’t want to split rent three ways. She said it’s ridiculous for me to make him pay because he’s a poor student who can’t afford it.”

“I have a feeling they split her portion of the rent and never consulted me. She just doesn’t want to pay to split it three ways.”

“Yeah, ‘he’s a poor student and can’t afford to live in the city and his parent’s house is too far of a commute’. He should’ve thought of that before he decided to go to school in a big city.”

“He’s a constant presence in our shared spaces. When I’m cooking or when I’m eating, sometimes they’ll be on the couch.”

“They won’t even talk to me at all when they see me, though. We literally sit in silence as I eat, and they just sit there until I go to my room so they can start talking.”

“I have suggested that they watch TV/hang out in her room, or our building has TV rooms you can use for free, and they can hang out there. She said her room is too cramped, and the TV rooms are always full.”

“He showers here, he cooks here, he uses the living room to watch TV, he keeps his stuff in our one bathroom. He also loves to set the thermostat to 74°F [23°C].”

“My BF doesn’t shower here, he doesn’t eat food from the fridge, he doesn’t touch the thermostat. We usually will go out during the day that he’ll sleep over and then leave in the morning when I go to work around 7am.”

“I feel like it’s reasonable to ask for a BF not to fully live with us without paying rent, groceries, or other bills.”

“Her boyfriend doesn’t do chores. He takes out the trash, which is nice, but like, that’s all.”

“He does get the kitchen, living room, and bathroom space, though.”

“He uses our bathroom, showers and gets ready there, watches TV in our living room, cooks in our kitchen.”

“If she wanted to have her BF over 1 or 2 nights, it would be no problem at all. The problem is he showers, changes the thermostat, eats from our fridge, uses our toilet paper 5 -6 days a week.”

“On top of that I have a health condition that is exacerbated by the heat. I constantly feel like I’m dying in my own home!”

“Their room has its own thermostat. Unfortunately, the thermostat on my side controls my room and the living room.”

“If I would have it my way, I would set it in my room at 68°F [20°C] during the night and 70°F [21°C] during the day. I get really severe hot flashes and night sweats, so keeping it at 74°F [23°C] is not doing me well.”

“I’ve tried resetting the thermostat in front of him. He just changed it back as soon as I went to my room.”

“Then I heard him tell my roommate that I keep the house way too cold for him. She told him that it would never happen again.”

“Sometimes he changes it while I sleep, and I’ll wake up literally drenched. Like, hey, use some more blankets or something if you’re that cold.”

“I’m also constantly late for work because they decide to have an hour long shower together at 7 am when I need to get ready.”

“It’s literally every week.”

“It’s been going on since November, but I finally had the balls to say something.”

“I should’ve said something as soon as I started to notice it.”

The OP summed up their situation.

“I feel like I am the a**hole for asking my roommate to not have her BF over five days a week without paying rent.”

“She thinks I’m being unreasonable and is upset with me.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“Check your lease for a clause concerning guests. My lease says guests can stay up to 30 days.”

“Someone coming over ~5 days per week for a few months straight would raise an issue with my landlord.”

“You should discuss it with your landlord/management about this. Otherwise, I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but stand your ground about him moving out or tell her to pay 2/3 of everything!” ~ lexbert_

“NTA. Don’t let him just chip in, though, or you’ll never get him out—1/3 of all expenses, or he needs to leave, or he’ll be there seven days a week.”

“Check your lease. It usually has a provision about how long guests can stay.”

“If she doesn’t cooperate, tell her you’ll report it to the landlord because you want to be in the clear and avoid an eviction because of her unauthorized tenant/squatter.” ~ Froggie949

“NTA. Check your lease. There are usually stipulations around how long/how many days a month someone can stay before they must be added to the lease.”

“Some will state x number of days consecutively. Others will say how many days a month.”

“He may have to be added and pay rent or stop staying over per the lease; you and roomie’s wishes be damned.” ~ sparksgirl1223

“Don’t suggest or ask. Tell her.”

“Tell what you are willing to put up with and what you are not willing to put up with.”

“Also check the terms of your lease. If there are restrictions on guests, then those rules are the minimum requirement she has to follow.”

“Tell her that you two should have agreed on some stricter ground rules up front, but you will have to do it now because she abused your prior agreement on boyfriends.”

“Number one on your list is that each of you can have an overnight guest no more than 1-2 nights a week. The only exception would be (1) with the permission of the other roommate and (2) on a rare (special occasion) basis.”

“If one of you exceeds a guest staying the agreed to days in a month, then the rent, utilities, and food will be split three ways—2 thirds are the responsibility of the roommate with the overstaying guest, and 1 third is the responsibility of the other roommate.”

“If your roommate does not agree to this, you will be happy to let the landlord know that there is a third person who is currently living in the apartment over 70% of the time without your consent.”

“Your roommate is being unreasonable.”

“It is not your job to provide free room and board for her boyfriend. She’s not going to see it that way; you have to hold her to reality and respect your rights and your lease.” ~ swillshop

“We don’t get to live in other folks’ houses for free without their consent because we’re too broke to pay for the privilege of convenience.” ~ asplodingturdis

“OP you are not unreasonable, so NTA on this. But what happens if the landlord of the place finds out about it and starts asking questions?”

“I am sure you will have a tough time explaining, and you and your housemate will likely land in trouble with the landlord. Secondly, there is no such thing as living rent-free.” ~ Kangaroo-Pack-3727

“NTA. He should be paying his share of rent & utilities.”

“If he doesn’t want to pay rent, he should not be there more than 1-2 nights per week. He should keep his stuff in her room, not in any shared spaces.”

“He shouldn’t be hanging around the living room or in the kitchen when she’s not around. He shouldn’t be touching the thermostat, but should ask your roommate to switch rooms so the living room is on the same thermostat as her room if they want to change it.”

“If he’s cooking & showering, he’s made himself right to home. If he won’t pay rent, that is freeloading.” ~ mifflewhat

The OP added:

“I checked my lease, and it’s 14 days a month is allowed or no more than 7 days in a row without notifying the building.”

As someone pointed out previously, it’s now no longer about what the OP or their roommate wants.

They’re in violation of the terms of their lease as the boyfriend is there about 20 days per month.

Unless everyone wants to get evicted, it’s time to give the freeloading boyfriend the boot.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.