Living with a roommate requires communication and compromise.
One area of contention can be the presence of significant others in shared spaces.
How much is too much?
A person dealing with their roommate's boyfriend constantly being under foot turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Secret-Mind650 asked:
"AITA for telling my roommate her boyfriend (BF) can't sleep over 5 nights a week?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"It's pretty straightforward—my roommate's BF is over five days a week. I told her he can't be here 5-6 days a week because I pay to live with one other person, not two."
"Our place also only has one bathroom. She is upset with me and thinks I'm being unreasonable because I have my BF over too."
"My BF is over two nights a week at most on the weekend. Usually, it is only one night because I work weekends."
"I asked her when we moved in if it was okay to have my BF over for a day on the weekend. She said it was fine if her BF could stay for a day as well."
"Then she slowly moved him in."
"They go to the same school, same program, same city, so they see each other all day, every day. It's not like they don't have time to hang out."
"He 'lives' with his parents, and I think it's about 30-40 minutes away from their school. If he only came over for a few hours every day, I wouldn't mind, but he's here 24 hours a day, five days a week."
"He is here all day minus the 6-8 hours he's at school on some days. He doesn't have school every day, only some."
"He's here almost as much as I am!"
"My roommate doesn't want to split rent three ways. She said it's ridiculous for me to make him pay because he's a poor student who can't afford it."
"I have a feeling they split her portion of the rent and never consulted me. She just doesn't want to pay to split it three ways."
"Yeah, 'he's a poor student and can't afford to live in the city and his parent's house is too far of a commute'. He should've thought of that before he decided to go to school in a big city."
"He's a constant presence in our shared spaces. When I'm cooking or when I'm eating, sometimes they'll be on the couch."
"They won't even talk to me at all when they see me, though. We literally sit in silence as I eat, and they just sit there until I go to my room so they can start talking."
"I have suggested that they watch TV/hang out in her room, or our building has TV rooms you can use for free, and they can hang out there. She said her room is too cramped, and the TV rooms are always full."
"He showers here, he cooks here, he uses the living room to watch TV, he keeps his stuff in our one bathroom. He also loves to set the thermostat to 74°F [23°C]."
"My BF doesn't shower here, he doesn't eat food from the fridge, he doesn't touch the thermostat. We usually will go out during the day that he'll sleep over and then leave in the morning when I go to work around 7am."
"I feel like it's reasonable to ask for a BF not to fully live with us without paying rent, groceries, or other bills."
"Her boyfriend doesn't do chores. He takes out the trash, which is nice, but like, that's all."
"He does get the kitchen, living room, and bathroom space, though."
"He uses our bathroom, showers and gets ready there, watches TV in our living room, cooks in our kitchen."
"If she wanted to have her BF over 1 or 2 nights, it would be no problem at all. The problem is he showers, changes the thermostat, eats from our fridge, uses our toilet paper 5 -6 days a week."
"On top of that I have a health condition that is exacerbated by the heat. I constantly feel like I'm dying in my own home!"
"Their room has its own thermostat. Unfortunately, the thermostat on my side controls my room and the living room."
"If I would have it my way, I would set it in my room at 68°F [20°C] during the night and 70°F [21°C] during the day. I get really severe hot flashes and night sweats, so keeping it at 74°F [23°C] is not doing me well."
"I've tried resetting the thermostat in front of him. He just changed it back as soon as I went to my room."
"Then I heard him tell my roommate that I keep the house way too cold for him. She told him that it would never happen again."
"Sometimes he changes it while I sleep, and I'll wake up literally drenched. Like, hey, use some more blankets or something if you're that cold."
"I'm also constantly late for work because they decide to have an hour long shower together at 7 am when I need to get ready."
"It's literally every week."
"It's been going on since November, but I finally had the balls to say something."
"I should've said something as soon as I started to notice it."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I feel like I am the a**hole for asking my roommate to not have her BF over five days a week without paying rent."
"She thinks I'm being unreasonable and is upset with me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Check your lease for a clause concerning guests. My lease says guests can stay up to 30 days."
"Someone coming over ~5 days per week for a few months straight would raise an issue with my landlord."
"You should discuss it with your landlord/management about this. Otherwise, I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but stand your ground about him moving out or tell her to pay 2/3 of everything!" ~ lexbert_
"NTA. Don't let him just chip in, though, or you'll never get him out—1/3 of all expenses, or he needs to leave, or he'll be there seven days a week."
"Check your lease. It usually has a provision about how long guests can stay."
"If she doesn't cooperate, tell her you'll report it to the landlord because you want to be in the clear and avoid an eviction because of her unauthorized tenant/squatter." ~ Froggie949
"NTA. Check your lease. There are usually stipulations around how long/how many days a month someone can stay before they must be added to the lease."
"Some will state x number of days consecutively. Others will say how many days a month."
"He may have to be added and pay rent or stop staying over per the lease; you and roomie's wishes be damned." ~ sparksgirl1223
"Don't suggest or ask. Tell her."
"Tell what you are willing to put up with and what you are not willing to put up with."
"Also check the terms of your lease. If there are restrictions on guests, then those rules are the minimum requirement she has to follow."
"Tell her that you two should have agreed on some stricter ground rules up front, but you will have to do it now because she abused your prior agreement on boyfriends."
"Number one on your list is that each of you can have an overnight guest no more than 1-2 nights a week. The only exception would be (1) with the permission of the other roommate and (2) on a rare (special occasion) basis."
"If one of you exceeds a guest staying the agreed to days in a month, then the rent, utilities, and food will be split three ways—2 thirds are the responsibility of the roommate with the overstaying guest, and 1 third is the responsibility of the other roommate."
"If your roommate does not agree to this, you will be happy to let the landlord know that there is a third person who is currently living in the apartment over 70% of the time without your consent."
"Your roommate is being unreasonable."
"It is not your job to provide free room and board for her boyfriend. She's not going to see it that way; you have to hold her to reality and respect your rights and your lease." ~ swillshop
"We don't get to live in other folks' houses for free without their consent because we're too broke to pay for the privilege of convenience." ~ asplodingturdis
"OP you are not unreasonable, so NTA on this. But what happens if the landlord of the place finds out about it and starts asking questions?"
"I am sure you will have a tough time explaining, and you and your housemate will likely land in trouble with the landlord. Secondly, there is no such thing as living rent-free." ~ Kangaroo-Pack-3727
"NTA. He should be paying his share of rent & utilities."
"If he doesn't want to pay rent, he should not be there more than 1-2 nights per week. He should keep his stuff in her room, not in any shared spaces."
"He shouldn't be hanging around the living room or in the kitchen when she's not around. He shouldn't be touching the thermostat, but should ask your roommate to switch rooms so the living room is on the same thermostat as her room if they want to change it."
"If he's cooking & showering, he's made himself right to home. If he won't pay rent, that is freeloading." ~ mifflewhat
The OP added:
"I checked my lease, and it's 14 days a month is allowed or no more than 7 days in a row without notifying the building."
As someone pointed out previously, it's now no longer about what the OP or their roommate wants.
They're in violation of the terms of their lease as the boyfriend is there about 20 days per month.
Unless everyone wants to get evicted, it's time to give the freeloading boyfriend the boot.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.