Most of us go through a time in our lives when we're no longer living with our parents, but we're not making enough money to pay for rent by ourselves.
Despite our need for a roommate, sometimes we end up with such a frustrating one, we wonder if there's some way we could make things work alone instead, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor UsefulEmotion5257 had been living with four friends, all of whom he got along well with. When one moved out, another had to move in, and he hoped for a similarly compatible situation.
But when the new roommate demanded that he wear more clothes around the house because they were uncomfortable seeing his skin, the Original Poster (OP) worried that they might have a problem on their hands.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my roommate that I won't be changing my habits because of him bringing his friends over?"
The OP and three other roommates had recently welcomed a new roommate.
"I (23 Male) rent a house with four of my buddies from college. We have done this for two years."
"It helps that not only are we great friends, but we have a system of deciding house rules: a majority vote. Disagreements on cleaning? Majority vote. When to make quiet hours for the night on weeknights? Majority rules. It has kept everything flowing smoothly."
"Anyway, one of my friends moved out last month to get a place with his girlfriend. He found a friend of a friend to take over his room."
There was a catch with the new roommate.
"The guy was nice enough, but then he came to us with a 'declaration.'"
"Apparently, he was uncomfortable that we're not always completely dressed in the house. No one is a nudist, but some of will sometimes not wear a shirt or just be in pajamas or boxers or underwear when lounging around the house."
"I admittedly am one of the two of us who does it the most, as I usually just lounge around in boxers or other underwear. We all met each other through a sport, so we're comfortable seeing each other like that."
"Anyway, I guess the new guy was caught off guard because he asked if we could constitute a clothing-on rule in the house. As usual, we did a vote, and the rest of us thought it was unnecessary."
"So there was no rule, but I did start wearing clothes more, though, there were some times I didn't bother (when I just woke up, after showering, when I was just coming out to my room for something, etc.). Just to be considerate."
The new roommate decided to try to prove a point.
"Apparently, that was not enough."
"I noticed that even though we always all gave notice before people coming over, he stopped doing so. I found myself a few times just in my underwear when he rolls in with a crew. Got a couple of weird looks, but I just excuse myself and get dressed."
"I told him once that if he gave me a heads up, I'd be dressed before they got there, but he just rolled his eyes. One of my other housemates has also run into this issue."
"Anyway, the other day he came to me, and my other housemate, and asked if his plan to shame us for never wearing clothes worked. We looked at him weird, and he said that he was purposely trying to embarrass us by having people see us."
"We said we're not embarrassed (we work out for a reason) and weren't going to change his habit. He stormed off and started smack-talking us to the other roommates."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that by living there, the new roommate how to agree to how votes were scored.
"I get not liking that rule and asking for a vote. But part of voting is living with the result. So trying to change the result of the vote by bringing in randos on purpose to see them half naked is disconcerting. Clearly this guy does not respect any of you or the rules of the house. Find someone else." - lelawes
"His behaviour was also disrespectful to his friends. If he didn't warn the 'shame crews' he was taking away their choice to see people in underwear, as well as taking away his roommates' choices on who sees them that way."
"I personally wouldn't care about seeing a shirtless guy in his house, but depending on religious beliefs and backgrounds of the friends of a bad roommate, they could be really unhappy with being set up this way." - LJnosywritter
"NTA. You all voted, and the majority said no clothing rule, and you still tried to be considerate. He responded by ambushing you with guests to shame you and then bragging about it."
"That's petty and childish. He doesn't get to join an established house and bully everyone into his preferences. You didn't do anything wrong." - FancyHazzel
"ESH. Very few people want their roommates to walk around in their panties. Just like very few people want their roommates to bring over unannounced guests. Both requests are reasonable. Y'all have to cohabitate. That means compromising is necessary."
"If walking around in your whitey tighties is a dealbreaker for you in a roommate situation, please bring that up before the new guy signs the lease." - Remote-Passenger7880
"NTA, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect your roommates to be clothed in common areas. Even if he doesn't personally care if y'all are in your underwear, he might have guests that are uncomfortable with it (girls or older people like his parents). No one wants to tell their mom to wait outside while they go check if their roommates have pants on."
"Just throw on some ratty sweats and a t-shirt. It doesn't matter what you wear, but "have clothing on" is not an unreasonable expectation. It is actually awkward when you go into someone's apartment as a guest, and it's filled with a bunch of scantily clad people of the opposite gender." - Aachaa
Others thought it might be time to look for a new roommate if something didn't change soon.
"You voted. He decided to try and change it by exposing you to random people. Sounds like he needs a, 'This isn't working out; we're looking for a new roommate. Feel free to start packing now,' talk." - salmalight
"They can vote him out like they do on everything else and then talk to the landlord saying they no longer with to rent with him." - Internal-Test-8015
"It's not even about the clothes, but the new guy admitted he brought people in unannounced to shame you guys into wearing clothes? He's the a**hole, and he's gotta go." - HipsEnergy
"NTA. I get that not everyone is comfortable seeing roommates in underwear, but then don't move into a household where the people living there are frequently in their underwear. This was a simple issue of incompatibility, but the new guy made it very weird we he didn't get his way." - georgiechristine
"ESH, I'd say. He actively tried to shame you, which is obviously a terrible way to go about it, so he sucks, but I also think it's fair to expect your roommates will be clothed around the house."
"I do think your changes since the initial discussion could be good (maybe have a discussion about that, so he actively knows you're minimizing it most of the time), but you didn't specify if your other roommate, who does it is doing the same, so hard to account for that change."
"I'll also add that you guys may need a new system. Four friends doing majority votes is one thing, but this guy isn't a friend and so it's inherently bias against him as a system. You guys are gonna want to side with each other and be more prone to accommodate one another than you will the odd man out (and he'll likely view it the same way)." - Nathan-David-Haslett
This was one of those weird situations where it was hard for the subReddit to puzzle out who was the most at fault. In most roommate situations, a voting system should work, but when it comes to something that involves the human body, the voting system should probably require that everyone says yes or everyone says no before a decision can go through. Otherwise, someone might experience something, even if it's just seeing someone in their boxers, that they did not consent to.
But there was also the issue of accepting the place in the apartment and understanding that a voting system existed. If the new roommate agreed to use the voting system and abide by the decisions made by the system, than he needed to maintain that if he wanted to maintain his roommate status.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.