Sexual compatibility is something many couples view as integral to a successful relationship. But is incompatibility a reason to end a marriage?
A husband getting pushback on his decision to divorce his wife turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwra-sexofftable asked:
"So I told my wife that our marriage isn't the right fit for me anymore when she took sex off the table. AITAH?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (38, male) have a high libido, and my wife (36, female) has a low one. We've been in a dead bedroom for about 4 years now, and we have kids together."
"She recently told me she wants me to go to individual therapy to stop making her responsible for my sexual needs. She said she wanted to stop discussing sex because every time that would trigger her guilt and shame."
"I've tried my best to communicate over the years, but as soon as she said that phrase, I've had a deep realization that I've had it all wrong. Of course, I don't want to have sex that isn't fully consensual."
"But I think by constantly talking to her about it, asking for more effort in the bedroom, initiative and playfulness in our day to day interactions, I had made her feel responsible for my happiness."
"I still am struggling to understand, because when I promised to forsake all others, I thought I was choosing to be in a relationship where my partner would proactively want to meet my relationship needs—not out of responsibility or duty, but because we were in tune with each other."
"I thought we shared the same values when it comes to intimacy and had the same desires so that it wouldn't be a chore. The truth is, I still have those needs, and she doesn't and that's okay."
"She's not wrong for being where she is. But it also means this relationship is no longer the right fit for me. And I don't think I owe it to the marriage to keep depriving myself of something that makes me feel loved and alive."
"We are in couples therapy, and she proposed taking sex entirely off the table so we can focus our energies elsewhere while I wait for her to regain her sex drive which she mentioned isn't a guarantee. She says she loves me and loves our partnership as best friends and parents, and partners in the romantic sense, but she says sex is off the table."
"So after a few days of just mulling over, I told her that I thank her for being honest with me. I said you're not responsible for my needs, but I owe it to myself to be in a relationship where those needs are met. And if that's not possible with you anymore, then this marriage just isn't the right fit for me."
"I also said I am grateful to her for being honest about why sex is off the table, because it gives me time to plan things out. We have a prenup and we've both worked hard to build our wealth together."
"It's scary, and I know that separating might mean losing active access to my kids 50% of the time. But I'll be fine."
"The fault isn't hers. But it's also true that she's stopped being the person I can feel happy and fulfilled with."
"She has taken this extremely badly. She has made all sorts of assumptions about me, and demands an answer as to why I wasn't 'curious' about her thought process behind what she wants us to do."
"She said that I blindsided her. But honestly I am not angry with her anymore. She takes an issue with the language I used, but I don't see how?"
"She has mentioned she doesn't want the blame and responsibility for my relationship needs not being met, and I thought: isn't this exactly what I was doing? I took upon the responsibility of all the choices I made, and sadly, that included choosing her."
"She's been acting defensive and angry, even when it comes to discussing kids and not our relationship. Part of me thinks she isn't as mature as she makes herself sound."
The OP later added:
"I saw a lot of comments wishing for my financial ruin and lots of comments about child support. Honestly, if that's the only verbal weapon you've got to make someone feel small, I truly feel sorry for you."
"Not all divorces lead to financial ruin, and for context, we are both business owners (via both sets of parents), so things are going to be fine since there's not going to be child support."
"If anything, it would be from her (if we truly go 50-50) because her business is slightly more profitable than mine."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was
"If you check out the dead bedroom subreddit, you'll see that your attitude is likely the best for your future co-parenting relationship. It's shocking how bad it can get."
"People get bitter and isolated and really start hating each other. The only people who seem to recover in any small way are those who both accept this is a problem with their marriage that they are both tackling together."
"If the low libido person decides it's the other person's problem, or they should work on it separately, it's over. Then it's just a question of how much misery they suffer before calling it."
"She might benefit from reading what the experience is like for others in your situation. But she's not an a**hole for wanting to stop feeling bad about a feeling she can't manufacture, and you're not an a**hole for wanting sex in your relationship. NAH." ~ NinjaHidingintheOpen
"I don't blame the wife; it may be the case that she is asexual straight up. At the end of the day, some couples work phenomenally in every other way except in the bedroom, and that's enough to be a dealbreaker sucks, but such is life." ~ PenguinSebs
"It's his wife's reaction that makes her an a**hole. They're in counseling because his needs aren't being met."
"She made the unilateral decision to say that she refuses to meet his needs and won't guarantee that she ever will, at which point he says that divorce is probably best, and then she starts calling him names and acting like he's the bad guy."
"That she doesn't want sex is fine, that she's not willing to accept the consequences is not, and there's a chance she'll decide to find another guy to have sex with once she's all alone again." ~ DevilGuy
"My ex-husband and I didn't have sex for the last 4 or 5 years of our marriage. It was awful. I felt unwanted, unsexy, and ended up developing serious self-esteem issues. It was part of why we split up."
"I commend OP for not only being honest with his wife, but for being so gentle in his delivery of the news. Sure, she may feel bad in the moment, but she will eventually be relieved of the pressure she feels to put out to him." ~ kittycatalina1610
"That the marriage is over is no one's fault. I can feel the wife; I have zero libido as well. My husband, thank Jebus, understands. He has his own sh*t to deal with health-wise. But his drive is sky high."
"We found middle ground. It wouldn't work for most, but it suits us fine. But. If he woke up tomorrow and said, 'babe, the sex ain't sexing and it's too much. My needs aren't being met and I'm not happy, maybe we should give up the ghost,' I would be hurt, absolutely devastated, but I couldn't fault him or me."
"I couldn't blame him, and I damn sure couldn't get mad. He is at least seeing it from her side, is understanding, isn't mad, and doesn't blame her. She's the one who changed the rules. She can't get mad he doesn't wanna play by the new rules." ~ HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"You don't get to decide for someone else. No one has a right to the other partner's body, and this includes choosing celibacy for them." ~ 10000nails
"NTA. You're incompatible, simple as that. You'll just have to be friends if she's willing to accept that but if you're unhappy with not having your needs met then it is what it is. How you explain this to your kids and continue to be a present father is something yall will need to work out though." ~ Prestigious-Dare-802
"You are in a pretty common situation usually referred to as a sexual stalemate. You feel connected when you have sex, she needs to feel connected to enjoy sex, your high libido leaves her feeling objectified, her body freezes up with affection because she can't say no without risking more withdrawal, you withdraw, her fear that you only love her for sex is confirmed, resentment builds on both sides."
"This is super common, and also fixable if both people are committed to fixing it."
"Pretty common advice for this is to take sex off the table for a while and work on other areas or intimacy. A cuddle can just be a cuddle. A date can just be a date. The body can practice relaxing. It's a way to detox from the disappointment-shame spiral you're both living in."
"Or you could say 'cool suggestion, I think we're done here'." ~ yikesmysexlife
While not everyone will agree with the OP's decision, ultimately, he's the one who needs to live with the consequences.
If he's unhappy and sees no path forward, maybe it's best to end things.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.