Being a “matchmaker” can lead to a rather great sense of accomplishment.
Through a small or large bit of influence from you, you managed to bring two lonely souls together in holy matrimony.
Of course, not everyone is cut out to be a matchmaker, lacking the ability to assess matching personalities.
Nor does everyone want to be a matchmaker, as it has the potential to get you caught right in the middle.
Redditor ApricotRealistic1523 had a coworker who hoped that they might set her up with their very handsome brother. Something the original poster (OP) had no interest in doing.
When asked why, the OP gave their colleague their honest answer.
An answer the OP’s colleague took more than a little personally.
Having some doubts about how they handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole Here” (AITAH).
Unlike the similar “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for shaming my coworker for her looks and personality?”
The OP explained why they told their coworker they would not set her up with their brother, and why their coworker took offense at their honest response:
“My brother comes to visit me at work sometimes and take advantage of the family discount.”
“I can say objectively that my brother is a good-looking guy.”
“One of my coworkers has developed a crush on him.”
“She asked me if I could suggest to him that they go out on a date, phrasing it like I’m going to ask her for him as a favor.”
“I told her no, and she asked why not.”
“I said she isn’t my brother’s type.”
“She asked me what I meant by that.”
“I said he’s pretty consistent with the women he dates, outdoorsy types that don’t wear much makeup or fancy clothes.”
“He also can’t stand picky eaters (literally gives me sh*t constantly for not liking mushrooms) or people who use their phone while talking to someone.”
“If he is talking to you and you look at your phone for any reason other than to check the time, he’ll refuse to finish the conversation.”
“She thinks I’m shaming her for her appearance and personality.”
“I’m not. If anything, I’m shaming him.”
“She thinks she’ll like him because she’s only ever seen him as a customer, and he’s always nice to service people.”
“However, as a boyfriend, he’s judgmental as hell.”
“I don’t think she would actually enjoy a date with him, and I know he wouldn’t like her, so why should I set them up?”
“She can ask him out if she wants, but I refuse to get involved.”
“I don’t think I’m an a**hole for that, but am I an a**hole for bringing up that she isn’t in shape and is a picky eater as reasons for why I don’t think setting them up is a good idea?”
“She was very offended that I mentioned those things.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to set their coworker up with their brother, and giving their honest reason why.
Everyone agreed that if the OP knew the setup would be a no-go, then they should have nipped it in the bud as they did, though not everyone felt they needed to be quite as brutally honest as they were:
“I think the best phrase would have been ‘I don’t want to mix my professional and personal lives’.”-Exotic-Rooster4427
“I told a friend, who thought my brother was cute, that he cheated on his first wife.”
“Didn’t even give her a chance to inquire about the possibility of a setup.”
“Sometimes you have to stop the madness before it begins.”- trekgirl75
“’Set us up’.”
“’No’.”
“’Why not?’”
“’You’re not his type’.”
“’What’s his type?’”
“Explains his type, which happens to not fit the coworker.”
“’How dare you insult me!’”
“I fail to see how you were in the wrong, unless this person has a lot of insecurities and anxiety.”
“And even in that case, she should have just taken your word for it when you said she wasn’t his type.”
“She was looking for a reason to be mad.”
“Just because you aren’t what someone is attracted to doesn’t make you bad.”
“NTA.”- GeomEunTulip
“Best Response:”
“‘Yeah, I don’t play matchmaker, and I don’t get involved in my brother’s dating life’. If you want to ask him out, that on you. I simply don’t want to get involved’.”- Mission-Birthday-101
“She questioned you, and you gave her your reasons.”
“NTA.”- No_Cockroach_2744
“NTA.”
“She was inappropriate to ask you to set her up in the first place, especially the deceitful way she wanted you to do it.”
“You said no, she asked why, and you told her.”
“Don’t ask questions you aren’t prepared to hear an answer to or ask for a ‘favor’ if the answer could be no.”
“You know your brother and know that he would either say no, or they would go out, and then you would have to hear about what an a** he is.”
“My brother is tall and good looking, and women moon over him, but he’s a conceited cheater, and I wouldn’t facilitate anyone to date him unless I didn’t like her.”- Wonderful_Horror7315
“You sound blunt, which a lot of people will say makes you a**.”
“But, you said no, she asked why.”
“If she didn’t want to know, she wouldn’t have asked.”
“Yes, you could have sugar-coated it, but I don’t think you’re a jerk for saying what he tends to like.”
“She didn’t just ask why one time you said no, she asked why, said she isn’t his type, then asked why again, then got a more specific response.”
“NTA.”- autisticNerd13
“‘Nope. Take your best shot, if you wish. I’m not getting involved on either side’.”
“If the coworker can’t understand that, it’s not your problem, OP.”- pangalacticcourier
“NTA.”
“She asked.”
“You said ‘No’.”
“She insisted on a reason, wouldn’t accept it, demanded details/explanations.”
“She should have just accepted your first response.”
“Everything else is on her.”
“You were NOT shaming her.”
“She needs to get over herself.”- Familiar_Shock_1542
“’No’ is a complete sentence.”- RugbyLock
“You could’ve just said “’you can ask him out if you want, I prefer not to mix personal and work life’, instead of making her feel not enough.”- Fluid_Sir3732
“NTA.”
“Funny how many people here will remind men that ‘no is a complete sentence’,” but refuse to acknowledge how she wouldn’t stop until you went into more detail.”
“You said no and she pushed the issue.”
“You could have just told her to do it herself, but if mentioning you’re brother’s usual type is ‘shaming’ her then I can only imagine the way that she would have taken that advice.”
“No means no, folks.”
“Period.”- k_speel
“I don’t think that saying he likes outdoorsy women, who don’t wear much makeup, or fancy clothes, implies that your coworker is unattractive.”
“You are describing a specific type of person.”
“There are all kinds of different women.”
“They can all be attractive, just different, and different men might find them appealing.”
“I think your coworker is choosing to make this negative because it isn’t the answer that she wanted.”
“Now at the end you said she isn’t in shape, I’m going to assume that’s a comment you made here, since you did not reference saying it to her, and frankly I’m going to base my judgment on what you indicated you said to her.”
“If you in fact said something to her about her body that would entirely change my opinion.”
“So if what you indicated you said to her is correct I’m going with NTA.”- Shot_Trifle_9219
“NTA.”
“Co-worker asked a question and received an answer.”
“The answer wasn’t rude, only an honest description of what type woman her brother prefers.”-schec1
“‘She can ask him out if she wants, but I refuse to get involved’.”
“That is all you had to say.”- Any-Review-9289
“NTA.”
“Everyone is acting like you bodyshamed her but I’m not seeing any words that say that.”-Mammoth-Glove3273
“NTA.”
“The coworker is the AH for dragging OP into her insecurity and causing drama.”
“The coworker could have left it at ‘no’.”
“But instead chose violence (not literally) and asked for clarification on what she didn’t want hear and then didn’t have the good sense or emotional maturity to leave it at that by then escalating their inability to receive information they don’t want to hear back on to OP.”- red_bird85
Ultimately, the OP might have saved their colleague from even worse humiliation and embarrassment.
As if she didn’t hear the honest truth from the OP, she was guaranteed to hear it from their brother.
That said, the OP could have simply said no, thereby preventing their colleague from being brutally honest altogether.
Based on everything the OP said, though, a simple no likely wasn’t going to be enough…