When it comes to our work-life balance, we all have high and low points, and sometimes, we just have to roll with it. Work might become busier and more overwhelming than usual, causing us to fall behind at home, and we’ll be able to catch back up when the work levels out again.
But that’s a reason to communicate with our partners and the other people we might be living with, not a reason to slack off entirely, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SASAKM found out that her brother-in-law was complaining about his sex life, while her sister complained that she was too exhausted to have sex, because he wasn’t helping at all at home, claiming that he was too exhausted from work.
When he wouldn’t even help with the dishes after a family get-together, the Original Poster (OP) decided to call her brother-in-law out for his entitled behavior.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my brother-in-law (BIL) that helping around the house might lead to more intimacy?”
The OP overheard that her brother-in-law was complaining about his sex life.
“Last weekend, my husband (42 Male) and my brother-in-law (41 Male) went golfing.”
“I asked my husband how it was going, and he said, ‘Good, but Colin (my BIL) won’t shut up about how he and Marie have like no intimacy. It’s annoying.”
In the meantime, the OP’s sister wasn’t feeling fulfilled, either.
“I (42 Female) was with my sister (40 Female) and all of our kids at the time, so I asked her what was up.”
“She just rolled her eyes and told me that Colin won’t help around the house, so by the time she gets home from work, gets dinner on the table, gets the kids ready for bed and school tomorrow, she’s exhausted and just wants to read a little before bed.”
“She said he’ll come home from work and will work out, or watch sports, or find any excuse to be busy, so he doesn’t help.”
The OP’s husband tried to create an opportunity for her brother-in-law.
“Flash forward to dinner later that night. Everyone is done eating, so my husband gets up and starts clearing the table.”
“When Marie and I get up to help, he waves us off and he says that he and Colin would do it since they golfed all day, and he knew how tired we were after being with the kids.”
“This was after he had ordered the dinner, picked it up, and brought wine and ice cream from my favorite place to go with it.”
The OP called her brother-in-law out.
“Colin, predictably, said he had something to do and went to walk outside.”
“I said, ‘Colin, maybe if you helped clear the table, then Marie might be in the mood later.'”
“Colin lost his sh*t. He started ranting about how he’s busy and how he doesn’t have time to help, and that he doesn’t want a ‘transactional’ relationship where he has to pay for sex with ‘favors.'”
“It got pretty heated because I didn’t back down. At one point, he pointed at my husband and said, ‘What, you’ll blow him tonight because he did the dishes?'”
“I explained that it wasn’t about doing the dishes; it was that my husband helped out when he knew I was tired and had taken care of dinner, wine, and dessert.”
The OP felt bad about how this impacted Marie.
“Colin ended up storming out and driving away. He didn’t come back to the house until after we left. Marie says he hasn’t said a word to her since Saturday night.”
“I feel kind of bad because it wasn’t necessarily my place to say anything, and now Marie’s marriage is paying the price, but on the other hand, maybe my saying something will be the wake-up he needs to realize he’s not acting right?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood where the OP came from and said her BIL needed to step up.
“NTA. Grown men who want wives to be mommies are deada** pathetic, unattractive, and childish. He has no sex because he deserves none.” – Vegetable-Fix-4702
“‘Helping’ means it’s the woman’s responsibility and her husband is doing her a favor by doing what is actually his fair share of the housework and parenting. We need to rethink this and rephrase it to ‘doing his fair share’ or ‘doing his part.'”
“Colin is the AH here.” – Feisty_Payment_8021
“This may be a bigger reason for breakups than financial problems. Both my brother and my male college roommate told me they think their marriage would have survived if they hadn’t had kids.”
“I think their wives were exhausted from raising the kids, doing housework, working a job, and cooking, and were too tired for sex.”
“The guys just saw that the sex life cooled way down without caring about what caused it to.” – ynotfoster
“Colin raised the subject first, but he might not have been pleased that the husband told his wife about it; that might be part of what’s going on here (I’m assuming that Colin hasn’t said anything about it to the OP).”
“It’s clear that Colin’s being forced to confront the reality of how his wife feels about having to shoulder the lion’s share of the responsibilities within their marriage, and he doesn’t like it.”
“It could be that it was a crisis that had to happen; maybe Colin will mend his ways and become a better husband, or maybe he won’t and Marie will (understandably) leave him.” – Single-Position-4194
“Your sister is foolish to continue a marriage that is so one-sided. Apparently, he brings nothing to the game but a paycheck and thinks his wife should still be attracted to him even tho he doesn’t do sh*t to help with anything. It’s her choice, however.”
“OP has said her piece now and can still express her feelings to her sister, but let sis deal with her own excuse of a husband and her marriage.” – 6poundpuppy
“NTA. If Colin wants to complain and share information about his sex life with the world, he should be ready for input on how to make it better.” – aj_alva
“NTA. We call it domestic foreplay. And it works both ways. My husband recognizes that I carry a huge mental load for the family, so he does a lot of the quick chores and cooking.”
“I recognize that he saves me from laundry and yard work, so I deal with the people-ing tasks that exhaust him.”
“This leaves us both grateful and with energy. Not to pat myself on the back, but the OP’s BIL should take notes.” – onalarch1
“OP is actually spitting science facts, by the way. There was a study about this specific thing. The basic theory on why unequal household labor makes women not want sex with their husbands: One, it feels unfair. Two, it’s just exhausting. Three, it makes men seem like giant babies, which isn’t attractive.”
“Skill is hot. If your husband can’t handle dishes or his own laundry, he comes off as unskilled. (This is also true for same sex couples, by the way; share chores y’all.)”
“That said, OP, there is a Time and Place. At a dinner with friends, where maximum shame is possible? Not how we change minds. Challenging people directly is how you get people to double down on bad takes, statistically speaking.” – SphericalOrb
“NTA. I need to point out that husbands or any significant others are NOT helping out by doing some housework. All who live in a home eat, make a mess, and so ALL are just as responsible for all basics that need doing within said home.”
“Right this minute, my husband is ironing the kids’ school shirts to get ready for the morning. Shortly, he will go cut up a pork loin joint and cook the steaks for this evening’s meal. I’ll prep the rest of the meal, and I’ve just hoovered downstairs.”
“My 15-year-old did the dishes, and my 13-year-old dusted all downstairs and hoovered the stairs and landing.”
“Your BIL needs a reality check. I would not feel emotionally safe to be intimate with someone like him.” – Lollfarrow
“Okay, guys. I’m a guy. Look around your house. Is there work that needs to be done? Work on it.”
“Laundry, dishes, shopping, fixing something, whatever. Don’t ask your wife what she wants help with, because that makes her work to figure out how to keep you busy. Man up and do some work. You live there, too.”
“It’s not ‘favors’; it’s you taking care of the place you live in. Your wife is your partner; don’t make her do all the work. Sometimes I’m really busy with work, and my wife pulls all the weight. Sometimes she’s really busy with work, and I pull all the weight. Sometimes we both are tag teaming it.”
“This guy thinks he is owed the sexual favors, and for what? Who knows, maybe he contributes something, but clearly, his wife thinks he should be doing something more or different.”
“The OP probably should have not humiliated him in public, but the guy needs to get his head out of his a**.” – rrapartments
Others agreed but thought the OP’s timing was off.
“ESH. Dude. Timing.”
“Such a bad time to bring that up. You’re right, but why would you bring that up at a dinner at their house right after he talked about it with your husband? Also, probably poor delivery, but I realize I don’t have all the conversation context.”
“The guy clearly sucks, for sure. Don’t get me wrong, he’s probably not going to change. He’s a bad husband if he can’t realize his wife is struggling and he won’t help her.”
“But you could have avoided this blowup.” – loslosati
“YTA. What you said was correct, but it wasn’t your place to say it. If Marie wants to have that conversation with her own husband, that’s her choice.” – Spiritual_Oil_7411
“YTA, BUT!! IT WAS NECESSARY!! Colin is a lazy a**, and Marie is a married single mom.” – Lilmama8682
“Is Marie’s husband the a**hole? Yes!! Do I, an internet stranger, want to ride to war on Marie’s behalf? Absolutely!”
“Did Marie say she’s ready for what she undoubtedly knows will be a s**tstorm and may lead to some difficult decisions? Umm… No.”
“You poked a bear that undoubtedly needed to be poked. BUT you get to go to sleep with your loving and supportive partner tonight. Marie… does not.”
“Your pride won. Marie, who you wanted to help, did not.”
“Hopefully, something good comes from this, but wow, did you force the issue.” – MyNewDawn
“ESH. Well, not Marie or your husband. And BIL sucks the most.”
“Disclaimers out of the way, encouraging Marie to speak up or advocate for herself would have been a better route than taking it on yourself to interject. Marie told you that in confidence, and then you jumped to the middle of a conversation and basically announced you knew BIL’s sex life sucks.”
“While the sentiment is noble, it was never going to yield positive results, and it seems like it caused more immediate problems for Marie. I would apologize to her for getting involved in her business.”
“BIL sucks more. Way more. He needs to pull his weight more and reprioritize the needs of his marriage.” – Ugh_User_Names
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“My BIL is married to my sister. It’s not my husband’s brother. The four of us have no problem discussing this kind of thing.”
“To those who said my husband is awesome, you’re right! He’s kind and caring and the best partner I could have hoped for. We’re a team. So much so that when our first was born, the nurses made a comment about how we seemed like old pros. Plus, he understands how important ice cream is!”
“The Update: More than a few people said I overstepped and commented on something I shouldn’t have. Fair enough.”
“I FaceTimed Marie and apologized for doing so. I explained my intentions to try to help point out to Colin that he had an opportunity in front of him to assist, but I also recognized how unfair it was to her to do it the way I did.”
“I also told her I was very sorry for suggesting that she would have any sort of intimacy because I essentially took away her agency. I didn’t intend to tell Colin that doing dishes would definitely lead to sex, but I recognize it did come across that way.”
“She told me not to worry about either thing, but she accepted my apology.”
“She also mentioned that Colin finally spoke to her and admitted he was very stressed out at work and just wanted to come home and not do anything for a while at night so he could unwind. They are working on ways for him to be a better teammate around the house without feeling more stress.”
“I also apologized to Colin directly for overstepping a boundary. He said he was sorry for losing his temper and that he knew he lashed out out of embarrassment for being called out in front of Marie and my husband.”
“While we were talking, my husband poked his head in the room and offered to host a cousin sleepover for their kids soon, so Colin and Marie could have a night to just chill and be together.”
“Both Colin and Marie tried to say it was unnecessary, but he insisted, and they relented. He said he’d take all the kids out for breakfast, as well, because he’ll take any chance to get breakfast at a diner. Like I said, the man is an absolute gift.”
Though not everyone could agree about the OP’s timing of bringing this up, or even being the one to bring it up to begin with, it seemed that everything had worked out and might even improve with time.
In the midst of a busy work life, it’s easy to forget how much the people around us have on their plates to do, as well, and to feel rejected if they’re not interested in our advances. But when they’re too exhausted from picking up our slack, of course, nothing else is going to happen.