Are family members obligated to help care for children? While it's nice if family wants to help out, should a new parent expect them to?
A busy college student turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her sister's impending motherhood.
JinxToxic92 asked:
"AITA for telling my mom I will not take care of my sister's baby?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (female, 20) have two jobs, car, licenses, and study for two bachelor programs. I am a busy person and when I’m not doing anything, I am expected by myself to clean a two story home alone."
"My sister (23) has no car, no job, no licenses, and chose to have a baby and said she thinks she’s ready. Baby daddy is 4 hrs away living with his home boys."
"My family all support her, but when it comes to me making a change in my life, my ideas are not supported."
"My mom comes home telling me when my sister's baby is born, sometimes I will need to help pitch in to take care of the baby."
"Now I am excited to be an auntie, yes. But I won’t take care of it SOMETIMES because I have my responsibilities and free time."
"Especially since when she gives birth or getting close, all the responsibilities will apparently be going to me such as cleaning house and etc... even though I already feel like they are making me do it everyday so much so to the point I’ve fallen behind on stuff including personal self care."
"I told her if my sister's sitting right next to the baby, I’m not gonna help her. She has to be a good mother to it and learn."
"And then if she needs help and I am present and I’m not downstairs or away across the house and she needs help or is confused about something, I will help her. I’m not going to completely ignore her."
"My sister and mom and mom’s boyfriend were calling me disgusting and disrespectful and crude for it."
"My mother makes the remark 'if u were in need of help or ill or maybe pregnant, your sister would help u.' Which is wrong."
"When I was 16 I got into a car accident and my sister was 19. My mother asked her to watch me and put my guard rails up while she went to the cafeteria. Well, my sister didn't do what she asked, and I fell on my already broken arm because I was sleeping and rolled out of bed."
"I love my sister and my mom, but my sister and mom pick favorites for each other and I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. But, sadly, my dad isn’t in the picture anymore and is currently homeless."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Plan your escape from that house. You need to physically remove yourself." ~ curious382
"Ask them where she was when she was asked to help you after your accident. And say, 'oh, that's right, she left me alone and I fell out of bed because all she cares about is herself'."
"Your family is absolutely disgusting OP. I wouldn't help her even if I was right there. She made her bed, she can lie in it." ~ SacksonvilleShaguar
"I'd definitely be keeping my boundaries firm. They're already expecting OP to carry responsibilities that belong to the adults having the baby, and that's not something she should just quietly accept." ~ DryPractice9639
"Don't do a damn thing OP. You work 2 jobs. Is it financially realistic for you to leave? I have a feeling you are going to be expected to watch the baby while your sister goes out like every weekend." ~ _slagathor_
"Two bachelor's programs would have stiff tuition bills. I'm taking 10 credit hours and my total bill for the semester is about $6000. OP is probably in a poor financial state to add in housing costs. If the university has dorms might be able to get a housing grant to help them gain independence from this nightmare." ~ sweetmusic_
"Tell your sister that she needs to figure out who to contact to get a child support order against the baby dad and childcare assistance so she can get a job." ~ LogicalLady2021
"That sounds like your sister's problem, not yours." ~ MissingInAction01
"Tell your mom, 'Tell you what: when the baby's father is contributing as much as you expect me to, we can revisit the distribution of labor. Until then, your energy is better spent getting the parents of this child to support it. Especially since they felt 'ready'." ~ 1pinksquirrel1scotch
"NTA, nope, nope, nope. Sis is having the baby, not your problem. Sounds like your mom and mom’s bf have volunteered to help." ~ United_Pop_6442
"NTA. But it sounds like you're on track to do something with your life and are making better choices for your future. Kudos to you! In the meantime, if it were me, I would be busy all the time."
"Like not even at home. Stay at a friend house sometimes, if you need a little extra rest. But don't be available to your family, or they will expect you to help." ~ Spiritual_Promise735
"Not your circus, not your monkey." ~ charliecantdance
"But she's related to the clowns." ~ Otherwise-Wall-6950
"Can you afford to move out? If so, try to do so before the baby is born. Leave them to pay their own bills and clean their own house." ~ teresajs
"NTA. Oh, sweetie, I kinda get the feeling that you might be the financial pin holding this circus together. If you haven't already, get a bank account they don't know about and cannot access. Have your checks direct deposited, having things like that in place makes it much easier when applying for apartments."
"Everything is crazy expensive, I know, but starter and studio apartments exist in a more rational price zone usually.You are 20, you cannot take on the entire burden of supporting other adults who should be taking care of themselves. Why would you be expected to be the only one cleaning or maintaining?"
"I don't know where you go to school, but often times they have student services that can help kids like you get out of unhealthy situations, and that sounds like where you may be. Hugs. I believe in you. I want *you* to believe in you, and realize you deserve better." ~ MsConstrue
"NTA Your sister has no car, no job, no license.....she is FAR from 'ready' to take on parenting a child. You have got enough on your plate and your family's outlook on her situation is not realistic."
"The father of the baby needs to be involved in the care. Don't let your mom and sister guilt you into doing more than you are able." ~ Aggressive_Cattle320
"My mom used to call me a daddy's girl too, and she and my sister would treat me like an intruder whenever I walked into the room they were in. It made me so angry and we are no contact now, it's been 5 years. It will only get better when you get away." ~ kendrahawk
"Finish your degrees and get out of that house as quickly as you can. They will hold you back. They have no ambition and don’t support yours. Good luck."
"Let sis raise her own baby and make her help clean. And. DO NOT GIVE THEM MONEY. Save and get on with your life. NTA." ~ GrumpyGranny66
"You'll probably need to make yourself less available. Study at the library instead of at home, for example. You might find yourself stuck with the baby if you're sitting in your room studying because 'she deserves some me time' to go out partying and you're just sitting there anyway."
"I hope you're close to being finished with your degrees and can move away soon, you won't get much peace until you do. NTA." ~ Accomplished_Cod7613
"You didn’t make the baby; you are not responsible for taking care of the baby. Move out as soon as you can. In the meantime, spent your spare time out of the house. Study at school. NTA." ~ CrankyWife
"NTA, obviously. It's perfectly fine to prioritize yourself. Focus on getting your feet under you as an independent adult. The sooner you can get out of that house, the better."
"Family situations like this are much easier to evaluate and handle when you're on the outside and no longer dependent." ~ Blerg_McGlerg
"NTA. Tell mom that when you HAVE a baby, you will be %100 responsible for it. Anyone else has a baby, you will CHOOSE when and what ’help’ you provide."
"You may need to learn to leave occasionally and go to a library or cafe, just to make the point. NOT my baby, NOT my responsibility." ~ SunshinePrincess21
"NTA. They are trying to sabotage you. They see how hard you work, they see that you are going to find a way to be successful. They are bitter about it."
"This is one of those insidious little gaslighting schemes that bitter family members do to try and keep others down that they seem to be getting far ahead of where the family wants them to be. Stop answering their dumb questions and set-ups to make you look bad. It's also time to start LYING."
"If you have time that you are not working or studying, lie. Say you are in fact working, or have a class, and get out of the house.Any studying that you truly need to do, do it at the library. Because if you are at home, they will interrupt. Claim you have to out in 'lab time' this semester, or whatever excuse is applicable to what your studying."
"Don't feel bad about lying! You're just trying to survive until you finish school, can get a good job, and get out of the house where they want to pull you down instead of raise you up." ~ Lighthouse_on_Mars
OP might be better off moving out sooner rather than later.
