Being a parent isn't easy.
Children require a great deal of attention and care.
Some parents are lucky enough to have a lot of help raising their kids.
Unfortunately, that help can be disregarded and disrespected.
Leaving a helpful caretaker angry.
Redditor sealee- wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my sister that if she has a problem with how I'm raising her kid, she can raise her herself?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (19 M[ale]) live at home with my parents, my sister 'Ruth' (24 F[emale]), and her 1.5-year-old daughter 'Scarlet.'"
"Names changed for privacy reasons."
"Ruth isn't exactly the greatest mother."
"She just does whatever Ruth wants to do - and Scarlet's more of an afterthought for her."
"My parents and I are basically raising Scarlet at this point, and when Ruth decides she wants to be a mother, she gets involved."
"I don't love it, but I have taken on a lot of responsibilities with my niece because I want her to have the best life possible and positive influences to guide her."
"Yesterday morning, my niece was calling for me when she woke up from a nap."
"So I did the usual routine of changing her, reading to her, and then getting her a snack."
"About halfway through her snack, Ruth came downstairs."
"And when she noticed that I had given her bananas, she got mad."
"She said that I shouldn't feed her bananas because she'll just mush them into the highchair tray and it will be a bigger mess to clean up later. "
"She said that it would 'make her life harder later' and that I'm 'annoying.'"
"I told her that if she's got a problem with how I'm caring for (and basically raising) her child, then she can start looking after her herself."
"And that, let's face it, she probably wouldn't even be cleaning up the bananas later."
"She got mad and said that I have no right to judge her parenting and that I don't know how hard it is being a single parent."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You have no right to judge her parenting... which parenting?"
"The one she avoids like the plague?"
"NTA, but don't be naive, this situation is unstable for all of you because your sister is unstable."
"It's time to record and collect proof of her 'parenting' because she seems like one of those people who weaponize their child." ~ MasterpieceOk4688
"NTA, she doesn't get to cherry-pick when she's 'Mom' and when she's not.
"Either step up or shut up!!!" ~ ExcellentSea9521
"NTA. And it's fine if a baby mashes food."
"It's part of development."
"They're exploring, and they're not exactly eating with forks and knives."
"Honest to goodness."
"Thank God you and your parents are there." ~ DarthRedYoga
"That's a good thing."
"She's mimicking people feeding her."
"In other words, she's learning how to socialize with the world."
"One of the ways she's been socialized is that her family (who loves her) has fed her, so she's feeding you back (because she loves you)."
"The mashing is just about texture and how it feels."
"She'll mash everything for a few months."
"Everything in the whole world is new."
"She has to experience everything."
"Sometimes that's really messy."
"You're NTA."
"Your sister is participating even less than you think by trying to limit your niece to 'neat' foods or 'easier' (for sister) experiences when she is around."
"Not only should sister not just dip in and out when she feels like it, but sister shouldn't interfere with her development when she does decide to pay attention to her own daughter." ~ LavenderGwendolyn
"A bit off topic, but did you know that slices of (not-too-ripe) bananas will easily break into three pieces if you pinch them in the middle with your thumb and forefinger?"
"Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't smash them up if she could pick up smaller pieces??"
"Regardless, you are NTA, and it's completely normal for a kid your niece's age to play with their food."
"Also, your sister sucks." ~ WelfordNelferd
"NTA. Anything a 1.5-year-old eats will be messy."
"Your sister shouldn't complain about free childcare as long as it's not dangerous or harmful."
"You sound like a good uncle stepping up for your niece."
"A lot of people your age wouldn't."
"That's another reason you're right to call out your sister for complaining."
"At 19, I wouldn't even babysit my stepsister, let alone a baby." ~ pinknarc
"NTA. Keep being a good person to your niece, she's going to need it." ~ Korike0017
"NTA. She isn't a single parent."
"She's a person who had a kid and lives in the same house as the kid."
"Even the kid knows it."
"She calls for you after a nap, not her birth giver."
"So, if she wants to be a real single parent, then let her."
"Not your kid, not your problem. Literally."
"Tell your mom, and you and Grandma will no longer be caring for Ruth's child."
"She said she's a single parent, then she can be a single parent."
"I give her a day before she's on her knees begging you and mom to take her back over again."
"And you shouldn't."
"You're 19."
"You should be living your life."
"Enjoying your youth."
"Not playing parent because your lazy sister can't be bothered to care for the kid she chose to have." ~ R4eth
"NTA. It doesn't sound like she knows how hard it is and is just guessing."
"If it 'takes a village,' maybe don't look that gift village in the mouth, or something." ~ SignificantScheme259
"She got mad and said that I have no right to judge her parenting and that I don't know how hard it is being a single parent."
"Tell her that apparently neither does she, NTA." ~ Due_Assistance9459
"You weren't judging her parenting."
"She was judging yours."
"And she has no right."
"The person doing it gets to do it their way. NTA." ~ ScarletNotThatOne
"NTA. You're not 'judging her parenting,' you're telling her that if she's going to be anal about how YOU help her raise her kid, she can do it all on her own."
"I see nothing wrong with that."
"You wanna complain about how I do things to help you, then do it yourself." ~ SigSauerPower320
"NTA. What parenting has she done?"
"If she wants a say in how her daughter should be raised, she needs to be an involved mother to Scarlett." ~ RaineMist
"I want to commend you for helping out your niece."
"Great job, I wish more kids had someone in their life like you."
"NTA. Your sister is trying to be the big sister but also a mother in charge without doing any of the work."
"Remind your sister that she has her family's support and not a single mother."
"If she wants to play the single mother card, then she needs to move out and take care of the baby by herself."
"Then you'll feel sorry for her, but if other family members take care of her daughter, then she's gonna have to back off and be grateful."
"She should recognize how lucky she is to have you help her." ~ Ok-Policy490
"NTA. Not your kid, not your responsibility."
"What you said is true, you're doing her a favor."
"If she doesn't appreciate it, she can do it alone." ~ Deep-Manner-4111
"It's a really tricky one as sister needs to grow up and step up, and that'll only happen if everyone else steps back to leave her on her own."
"Chances are she'll sink instead of swimming, which would be very unfair on the kid and ruin their life."
"Seeing what would happen is why OP is stepping up and looking out for the kid."
"Totally NTA." ~ Hamsternoir
"NTA, this sounds completely like my sister and my niece."
"She never looks after her daughter, my mum has her 24/7, but when she thinks we're doing wrong, she'll shout at us, or tell us we can't take her anywhere or give her something." ~ leavers2021
"NTA. I was a single parent."
"I did not live with anyone else, so I did everything myself."
"Yes, it was hard, but it was totally worth it."
"Your sister isn't a single parent."
"She is sharing the parenting responsibility with you and her parents."
"She has no clue what it is like to be 100% responsible for a child on her own." ~ 77Megg77
"NTA, somehow her worldview can't let her do anything wrong."
"Do right by your niece, just don't have too many angry encounters in front of your niece." ~ mikey5236o6
"NTA. She's not a single parent."
"She has you and both of your parents."
"Tell her that." ~ djy99
"NTA. My mother was just like Ruth."
"She lived her life when and how she wanted, and I was just along for the ride."
"I cherish everything my aunt did for me."
"I no longer speak to my mother."
"You are giving that baby the love she deserves, and if Ruth doesn't like it, then she can either step up or move out."
"And maybe get some therapy." ~ ExistentialWonder
"NTA!!! You are raising her child, and she is trying to micromanage care she is not giving."
"You will be an amazing father to her when you eventually get custody."
"I know that's not what you are doing, but I know how this is going to end up without even thinking hard about it." ~ Cheap-Party-0420
"NTA. A 1.5-year-old calling out for their UNCLE and not their mom shows what huge significance and presence you have in her life."
"Next time, tell your sis that you know how hard it is being a single parent."
"Mention that it's even harder being a 19-year-old single parent."
"Oops, the pettiness in me!" ~ Historical-Nimrod01
Reddit supports you, OP.
Your sister is lucky to have you.
It sounds like it's time for your parents to sit her down and have a difficult conversation.
You don't deserve that kind of disrespect.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp