Nothing challenges a relationship more when two people aren't on the same page.
And surprising as it may seem, one half of a couple thinking that their relationship is far more serious than the other half happens fairly frequently.
And as one might expect, things don't often end well when this happens.
The boyfriend of Redditor Rare_Lingonberry_431 was looking forward to their visiting him and his family in his hometown, and potentially show them how he saw their future.
But as soon as the original poster (OP) was offered a somewhat more exciting option, they left their boyfriend behind without once looking back.
Wondering if their behavior was insensitive towards their boyfriend, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for blowing off my boyfriend's plans for a more exciting trip?"
In a short post, written en route to Europe, the OP shared their reasons for abruptly changing their summer plans.
"Typing this at the airport before my flight starts boarding."
"I'm in college."
"I've been dating Steve for a year."
"Steve is from a rural town in Ohio where nothing ever happens."
"He's been begging me to come out to see him over the summer."
"I considered it, until I found out my two best friends will be visiting their boyfriends in Europe (exchange students)."
"I was not about to waste two weeks in f*cking Ohio while they're hiking in the Alps with their boyfriends."
"So I decided, f*ck this sh*t."
"And now I'm waiting to board a flight to Denver for six weeks of hiking and camping across four states."
'Steve has been blowing up my phone and begging me to reconsider."
"He wants to introduce me to his family and check out life in Ohio for when we graduate next year."
"I told him no and hung up when he called me jealous for blowing off Ohio because my friends would be having a cooler summer break than me."
"I ask if I'm the a**hole because my friends were with me when he last called."
"While we are sick of Steve's sh*t, they think I may have been harsh when I blew up at him for pestering me about his stupid summer plans."
"It's not just a vacation, he wants a life with me in ducking Ohio."
"AITA, really?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, all of whom agreed they were fairly clearly the a**hole for blowing off their boyfriend the way they did.
Everyone felt it was fairly clear that the OP was not invested in their relationship with Steve, with some even feeling they were leading him on and urged them to end the relationship for Steve's sake.
"You can vacation wherever you want with whomever you want, but the way you talk about your boyfriend is really obnoxious."
"Excuse the f*ck outta him for
"YTA."- XStonedCatX
"YTA."
"Break up with him and stop wasting his time."
"If you're "sick of his sh*t" then why are you with him."
"Very immature from your part."- birbring
"YTA."
"Please break up with Steve so he can find someone who actually cares about him rather than you."
"Sounds like you're not really in the relationship because you give a sh*t about him."- Stroopwafeled
"YTA."
"You don't actually want to be in a relationship with him so end it."- HistoricalInaccurate
"Lmfaooooo is this serious?'
"Yes, YTA."
"Fun fact, the blue whale has the largest ah in the animal kingdom, but then here you come."
'Imagine if this were the other way around."
"You want to bring Steve home to meet your family and see your life, where you might grow together."
"And then, he tells you how annoying your request is and that since his friends are going yachting in the Mediterranean, he's gonna catch a cruise to the Caribbean instead."
"Sayonara, sister!"
"Oh, and his friends are sick of your sh*t, so they're listening in on your calls as he berates you and tells you what a sh*t idea you had."
'Makes ya feel warm and fuzzy, don't it?"
"You would be so devastated and would tell every person you've ever met what a d*ck he was for it."
"Except this time, you're the d*ck."
"Just break up with him, although I would MUCH rather he find this and break up with you."
"You deserve that."- DntMindMeImNtRlyHere
"YTA."
"Mainly because you dismissed your boyfriends feelings and acted like he is the problem for wanting to spend time with you."
"If the simple, Ohio life, is not for you, then maybe you should move on and let your boyfriend find a more suitable girlfriend."
"Why didn't you ask him to go hiking with you?"- Old_Ad_1558
"Do Steve a favor and break up with him."
"YTA."- VirtualEconomy
"YTA, 100%."
"How can you not see it!?."
"You've decided to not meet your boyfriend's parents and instead are going to the alps because it sounds more appealing."
"What impression is that going to make for when you actually meet them?"- Angry_Toaster72
"YTA."
"Blew off your plans with your boyfriend because a better opportunity came up."
"Shows your character and he'd be wise to see it and run."- PaintLicker_2022
"I think you know YTA."- WiseBat
"YTA for obvious rage bait nobody is this clueless."- Testingthrowaway00
"YTA."
"Am I missing something or does summer now only consist of 6 weeks?"
"Just break up with the guy, why the hell are you together if you have such apathy for the dude?"-ProjectCrazed
"YTA."
"You'll never be happy with Steve if you're comparing vacations and expenditures with love from a man who wants to share his life with you."
"He tried to talk and you hung up."
"You're immature and self-centered."
"Oh, and yes YTA."- stilljenni
"YTA."
"I hope Steve dumps you."- LobsterJoseph
"YTA ."
"You don't even seem to like Steve."- Hippotamoose27
"YTA."
"I hope Steve dumps you, he deserves someone who actually appreciates him and not his location."- CantChangeThisLater0
"Yes, YTA."
"You're not respecting him or his family at all."
"If you're a decent person and care about him at all, you'll apologize and meet his family down the road."
"But it doesn't come across that you actually care about his feelings at all, frankly."
"Very immature decision, and awful way to handle conflict."-Rhemming22
"YTA."
"Big time."
"You sound really snotty."
"Do Steve a favor and end it, so he doesn't waste anymore time on you."- chriswillar
'Yeah, you are beyond question TA here."- Slackingatmyjob
"YTA."
"Please break up with him to spare him a life with you."- DarkAthena
"YTA and Steve can do better."
"You're bailing on him just be a something better came up."
"Won't you be a sad one when someone better approaches him and he realizes he's the winner here."- _PeanutbutterBandit_
"YTA."
"I get it."
"Ohio kinda sucks."
"I've been there about 50x due to family there, but why again are you dating Steve if it's so easy to choose?"
"I understand wanting to have fun but I don't think you should expect a boyfriend back when you return."- snsmadness89
"You're a major asshole."
"Wow."-luckibigfan
"YTA."
"Break up with him and find yourself."
"Don't drag him along because you may be interested in the future."
"He obviously wants to set up roots after college in Ohio and you obviously don't want to be a hometown girl."
"You haven't dealt with this situation in the mature way at all."
"Learn from it and don't settle before you are ready to."
"Be harsh and breakup, if that's what is inevitably going to happen."
"You are not ready to put someone else first and that is totally okay, unless you continue stringing him along."- lost-girl96
"YTA."
"I'm surprised he hasn't broken up with your ass, but he sounds desperate."
"Poor guy."- Give-Me-Five-Dollars
"I think you actually don't like/love Steve and he's obviously in love with you, because despite of you cancelling plans he is still trying for the last moment heart change which is not going to happen as per this post."
"It's better you tell him you have no plans to settle with him in future and whatever you think."
"YTA tho."- navukx
"YTA for not just breaking up with him so he can find someone that's better suited for him and doesn't think his life is 'f*cking stupid'."- ExcellentWaffles
"YTA."
"You're jealous of your friends, and think that Ohio is a waste of time, despite your boyfriend being there."
"Did you even think of inviting your boyfriend on your little side trip?"
"I bet you didn't.'
"You can still go to Ohio and meet the family after the trip."
"Or you could have scheduled the trip to be after meeting the family."
"There's plenty of time unless I'm missing something about how long summer break is."
"Is that what you honestly think of your boyfriend?"
"I feel bad for the guy, because I think he sees this as a more serious relationship than you do."
"Please use some of this hiking/camping time to think about what you want from, and what you are contributing to this relationship in the long term."
"Maybe you and Steve are better off not being together."- WhizGidget
One can't blame the OP for wanting to hike across three states rather than spend the summer in a small Ohio town.
But, based on everything they've said, it's fairly perplexing why they are even staying in this relationship, which they seem to have nothing invested in.
Making it as or more perplexing that Steve wants to stay in this relationship either.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.