One aspect of parenting that does not get talked about enough is that parenting advice, trends, and what is best for a baby's health, based on current studies, changes all the time.
So a grandparent might mean perfectly well when they advise a new parent on how to care for their child, but there's a distinct possibility that their methods are outdated or even wrong.
But this is especially true of grandparents who fully embraced certain traditional values, like mothers taking all of the childcare responsibilities, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Lazy_Perfectionist88 felt supported by her husband and had a good relationship with her father-in-law, but her mother-in-law was another story entirely.
But when her mother-in-law started sending texts to her husband, telling him not to enable her by helping her with their newborn's care, that was where the Original Poster (OP) drew the line.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being angry that my mother-in-law texted my husband about me asking him to help with our newborn at 4:00 AM?"
The OP had a difficult childbirth and recovery time.
"I had a traumatic labor in December that ended in an emergency C-section."
"My doctor said recovery is eight to ten weeks, and I'm only supposed to be lifting my baby, nothing heavier."
"My baby is colicky with a tongue tie and lip ties and has trouble latching, so I ended up with mastitis, and my baby struggles to be full and to sleep."
"When my mother-in-law (MIL) heard about my recovery time, she thought I was lying, and she also demanded that I not take my pain meds and wanted detailed information about how much I was feeding my daughter, assuming that she was not getting enough milk from me. Instead of showing support, it was just a lot."
The OP's husband was much more supportive than his mother.
"Since we got home, I've basically been doing newborn care day and night."
"My husband even took two weeks off work, but somehow I'm still the one up constantly while he sleeps through everything. I swear this man could sleep through a Mack truck driving through the bedroom."
"Before anyone says anything, my husband does help a lot; he's just a heavy sleeper. I'm super grateful for him."
"Our baby has been colicky and a total velcro baby, so he understands that I'm doing the best I can, doesn't expect the house to be spotless, and wants me to heal. He cooks really good dinners, too."
But when the OP asked her husband for extra help, her mother-in-law balked.
"So anyway, one night, I asked if he could help with a 4:00 AM feed so I could get a little sleep. This, in theory, would give me three hours of sleep. I was afraid of passing out with the baby in my arms."
"Apparently, he mentioned it to his dad. Not even his mom."
"I've heard these two men talk, and I pretty much guarantee my husband just nonchalantly mentioned to his dad that he'd be up late, and his dad just in passing mentioned it to my mother-in-law, no big deal, and she then took the next step."
"So his dad told his mom, and then she decided to insert herself into our marriage and send him a long message about how she hopes he's 'standing his ground' with me because waking up at 4:00 AM to help feed his own baby is a 'big request.'"
"She went on about how his sleep is important because he has to drive and 'use his brain at work.'"
You can see her text message here:
The OP's mother-in-law texted the OP's husband:
"I hope you're okay, and I hope you are standing your ground about some things."
"Your father told me that [the OP] wants you to get up and feed the baby at 4:00 AM??"
"I think that is a big request. Does she not think your sleep is equally as important? Especially when you have to be behind the wheel, driving early in the morning, and then needing to function, using your brain at work?"
"It's not like you can take a nap in the middle of the day at work."
"I will not say anything to her; don't worry. But I do hope you voice your honest feelings about that to your wife."
"These newest first days and weeks as a new mom and dad are special and a learning, growing, and bonding time for the two or three of you. Does it bother you at all that the two of you haven't had much time to experience that alone?"
"Anyway, I just worry about you. I understand that you didn't physically give birth, but that doesn't mean your worries, your stress, and your sleep are less."
"We love you very much. You are doing such a good job and more than I've seen most fathers do!"
"We are so proud of you, son! Good night, sweetheart."
u/Lazy_Perfectionist88/Reddit
The OP felt dismissed by her mother-in-law
"Meanwhile, I'm recovering from major abdominal surgery and barely sleeping. I am also taking care of a little human..."
"My doctor literally told me I shouldn't be doing much besides caring for the baby. My mom has been helping with cooking and cleaning because, physically, I'm not supposed to be doing everything right now."
"His parents live down the street and have not offered to help us once. They did not offer to help with the baby or with chores or anything else. I didn't expect her to cook or clean, but those are usually normal behaviors from a family whose children just had a baby when they want to visit."
"Instead of offering help, my MIL is texting my husband, telling him to push back on me, asking for basic help with his own child. She also has a problem with my mom being there to help me... weird."
"So, apparently, the postpartum woman recovering from a C-section should just handle the baby all night by herself while dad protects his sleep? Cool. Good to know."
"Honestly, the audacity is wild."
The OP did not feel comfortable continuing to spend time with her mother-in-law
"The last time I asked her to help me with the baby was two months ago. She sat on the couch all day with her phone and watched the baby through the baby monitor. She did not help me cook or clean."
"I happened to overhear a conversation between my father-in-law and mother-in-law while I was napping. When FIL dropped off a breakfast sandwich for her, she asked why there were two, and he was like, 'For our daughter-in-law?!'"
"She texted my husband saying how I was being mean to the dog because I told her to lie down and go away when I had food. (Pet aversion is a real thing during postpartum.) This woman was judging my every move. That was the last time I asked her for help."
"Now, my baby is 12 weeks old, and she has seen her a limited number of times. I don't want her near my baby. She showed me what type of person she is, and I don't know how to move on from this."
"For context. My husband is aware of her behavior, and he has called her out multiple times. Her excuse for her behavior is that she lost two sons, and as a mother, she wants the best for her grown-a** son. She also has a daughter, who she has a strained relationship with, because she's a 'boy mom at heart.'"
The OP and her husband confronted her mother-in-law about the text.
"I confronted her about the text and how disappointed I was about it, and she said it wasn't her intention..."
"Because of this latest round of text messages, my husband told her to back off and to stop making comments, or she will not see the baby at all."
"He also confronted his dad about how he doesn't like it when he tells his mom his business, because she blows things out of proportion. He has a close relationship with his father, and I completely understand why."
"As for his mom, I'm trying to move on from this, but I don't know if it's the postpartum, but I still don't feel her apology was genuine. I hate her more than ever, and I don't want her near my child."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
While they were grateful for the husband siding with the OP, some encouraged him to go on an information diet with his parents.
"I don't know why the husband didn't deal with this on his own. Why upset his recovering wife unless he was trying to send her a message?"
"And why tell his dad about the 4:00 am feeding? It's what he should be doing regularly, at the moment, due to his wife's condition." - bartlebyandbaggins
"The husband showing the OP that text message seemed passive-aggressive. Like maybe he didn't like having to do a 4:00 AM feeding, but didn't know how to say it to his wife, so he told his dad."
"It seems he's a driver? Maybe for a truck? And if that's the case, then maybe he had concerns about it that he didn't feel comfortable telling his wife upfront about. Because if he didn't like what his mother said, then why stress out his wife and tell her about it?"
"Why not just deal with this on his own and spare his wife's feelings for now, since she's going through a lot right now? It just seems fishy and inconsiderate." - Different_Mark_7992
"His dad is going to tell his mom what he says; that's generally how it goes in marriage. It's best to just be cautious about what he says, even though he wants to be able to confide in his dad." - seaotterlover1
"Maybe OP's husband wasn't even complaining about the 4:00 AM feeling but just mentioned it. Maybe his dad was proud of him and just mentioned it to his wife. Maybe the mother-in-law was just interpreting something as a problem."
"I feel like my husband can set the record straight, no, this is what good dads do, and my wife deserves a partner that's involved in caring for our baby. If he doesn't do that, MIL's projections are just running the show. NOR." - Warm_Sandwich5038
"While the MIL is definitely the villain here, the husband is the one holding the gate open. Why is he even showing OP these texts?"
"Unless he's showing them to say, 'Look how crazy my mom is, I've already blocked her for the week,' he's just transferring his mother's toxicity onto a healing postpartum woman. He needs to be a shield, not a sieve." - Competitive_Job_4128
Others were concerned that the mother-in-law's internalized misogyny would sabotage any attempt they made at a healthy familial relationship.
"NOR. The only way to stop the triangulation in this situation is to eliminate the third party (parties). One therapeutic device is to 'fast forward the tape' of what you envision for y'all's lives/partnership in 20 to 30 years."
"MILs eventually pass away, but the amount of ongoing damage, slow relationship and identity disintegration, and just the general life suck a person like this causes is horrifying. Things feel 'off' almost anytime they're around or have been in contact with your spouse."
"This completely avoidable nonsense really grates EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY - Mother's Day especially. The insidious thing is that they just care! They just want the best for everyone!"
"Unfortunately, their completely misguided beliefs and inherent misogyny never support YOU. This gets super fun when your kids get old enough to listen, pay attention, and start to fall for the manipulation." - mkbutterfly
"Inherent misogyny is so much of what this is. You can see it in the text about 'doesn't your sleep matter, too?' Yes, but why does his sleep matter more if one person has to sacrifice in this instance? Both are doing necessary and important work. (Answer: internalized misogyny.)"
"I appreciate that you also picked up on how manipulative this behavior is." - ManekiNeko126
"I'm all for equality, but if we're applying that to the amount of sleep allowed to the husband who has a newborn versus a person who had major abdominal surgery and then immediately acquired said newborn directly after that, maybe taking the 'fair isn't always equal' route is better here."
"She needs WAY more rest than he does. They both have jobs that require their brain. Refusing to acknowledge how mentally exhausting it is to care for an infant when a woman does it is misogyny." - scarletmahogany
"NOR. So she doesn't want her son to help, and she's p**sed that your mom is there helping. She sounds like she wants you to fail. Has she always disliked you, or is this new behavior? I would never go out of my way to make my baby available to her."
"She won't help, doesn't want her son to help, and she expects you to do it all alone. I imagine if you two talked, she would have a speech all ready about what a super mom she was, she did it all by herself."
"And her baby boy needs to 'stand his ground' as if he weren't an active participant in having a baby. Like, he isn't expected to parent, as well. And helping an exhausted mom is just basic decency."
"I'm sorry, but that would make me dislike her and not want a relationship with her. And tell your husband to keep his marital issues at home, where they belong."
"Good luck with your healing. I know it doesn't help to hear, 'It will get better,' but believe me, it will. I pray you feel better soon, and the fastest way to get there is through rest and sleep." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. 'You are doing... more than what I've seen most fathers do.' Your MIL is one of those jilted women who saw her mother hung out to dry in postpartum and was hung out to dry by her own husband postpartum."
"Now she is conditioned to think it's only right that her precious son not be too inconvenienced by the responsibilities of being a parent (even though he was a 50% contributor to the decision of having a child)."
"Your husband should be more proactive in not only helping you, but telling your MiL to pipe down." - nc04031992
After receiving feedback, the OP shared further clarification and an update.
"UPDATE: Thanks to everyone's responses. I'm shocked this post blew up the way it did."
"I know there were a lot of questions which I will try to answer and add more pertinent information, as well as a more cohesive timeline."
"It's hard to type when I have a little one sleeping on my chest, but I'll try my best."
"In December, I had a traumatic labor that resulted in a C-section. Upon discharge, my husband had two weeks off from work. He was also doing our kitchen renovation on top of everything else. We had our baby early, so there was no way around it. He did the best he could. He tried to help as much as possible."
"I took the night shift part, and he did days. Between renovations, he would feed her, change her diaper, and burp her while I slept. We thought it would work since I've worked nights before and I'm a night owl."
"But I didn't get a lot of sleep due to construction noise during the day, but the baby would sleep for three-hour stretches. Looking back, I should have taken sleep medication or anxiety meds because I was so wired. I developed postpartum anxiety. I was afraid she would stop breathing. (I know, silly, technically, but it happens.)"
The OP was grateful to have her mother's help during those early weeks.
"My mom came over for two weeks after my husband's paternity leave ended to help out, due to the fact that I was only two weeks post-op, and my incision opened from me frequently moving in and out of bed."
"Turns out, my little one would be more awake during the nighttime. Nighttimes were very rough, but I got through it. My mom took care of the cleaning and cooking and overall supported me while my husband was working."
"My husband would come home around 5:30 PM. He would decompress by playing his video games and then start taking care of our daughter. I did not have a problem with that, and it was actually my suggestion. He did a lot with renovations and taking care of our baby, and I was grateful."
"I did mention to enjoy his two weeks because once my mom left, he would need to step it up and help me more again. All parties were in agreement. He had two weeks of uninterrupted sleep and moments to decompress from his demanding job. Everybody wins, I thought..."
"I loved having my mom there. She helped me through a lot since she had three C-sections and knew recovery was a long road. Those two weeks went flying by. She was very hands-on in handling my daughter. I did have a baby with colic who would mostly cry inconsolably."
The OP was confident that her husband's needs were being met.
"My husband is not a truck driver. He works a desk job, and his office is an hour away. He is gone most of the time from 6:00 AM to 5:00 PM, including travel. He is a very heavy sleeper and can sleep through everything."
"He tried to put on alarms, but he was really tired, and I knew it would make the most sense if I took on the baby care while he was at work. I go back to work in June, so essentially I am a stay-at-home mom. But that doesn't mean my husband can step in and help with the housework and take care of baby, which he does."
"According to my husband, he mentioned in passing to his dad that he would be getting up at 4:00 AM starting the following Monday to take care of our daughter. Was he complaining? I doubt it."
"My husband literally had a nice two-week vacation with uninterrupted sleep and time to decompress. Complaining that I'm asking him to help out by waking up an hour earlier would be ridiculous."
"I recognize that he can vent to whoever he wants. Newborns are a difficult time. He talks with his dad daily, and they are close. My FIL mentioned it to MIL, but failed to mention the two-week vacation? She knew my mom was helping out, which prompted her text."
"We were eating dinner when he received this infamous text. He was visibly upset and told her to back off. I asked to see the text. Imagine if she texted me, LOL, oh my god."
"He also mentioned how it was our decision on how we were going to take care of our daughter and for her to mind her business. He went over to his parents and called out their behavior. They were saying how they just worry about how he is doing."
"He told them that the one they should be worried about is me and that I need all the support I need. I just went through major surgery."
Having a baby only deepened the strain between the OP and her mother-in-law.
"My MIL has a long history of being a problem. Prior to having a baby, I always kept her at arm's length. She would always have a comment to say and expects me to be loving to her son at all times."
"As to her text, she likes to paint me as the unreasonable one who is too sensitive. At the hospital, the doctor told me it would be eight to ten weeks. She mentioned how she never had a C-section before, so she doesn't know what I'm going through, but at the same time, she breastfed all her kids, and she didn't take any pain meds during her five natural births, and felt I should do the same."
"She argued that I should breastfeed and not give formula. My milk took some time to come in, and she would ask every day as well as tell my husband that I was not producing enough... She does have a get-out-of-jail card, and it's that her other two adult sons have passed. I understand there's trauma and hurt people hurt people, but there's also limits to what people can take."
"Eventually, at week five of my daughter's life, she decided not to take the bottle. So I strictly breastfed. The night feedings at 4:00 AM literally lasted a week. He still cooks and cleans as well as takes care of his daughter on weekends and when he comes home from work."
"Today marks me being 12 weeks post-op. I am cleared by my doctor to resume normal activity. My husband still helps around the house because he's capable of doing that and he wants to."
"My MIL now wants to be a part of baby girl's life, I can't help but think 'now that the hard part is over,' but I don't know if I can let it go. I don't want that energy around my little baby girl."
"I may be overreacting, but my MIL wants to paint me as this lazy, irrational, needy person, and I don't need that."
Times have changed from generation to generation, and how the OP's mother-in-law raised her children would inevitably be different than how the OP would raise hers.
That said, the issue wasn't even the approach; it was the abundance of critical feedback that the OP's mother-in-law was giving her.
By picking apart her every small decision, whether it was her choice or due to her physical situation, the mother-in-law was only creating more stress that the OP didn't need in her life.
