Relationships and marriages can take many forms.
Still, one thing remains consistent among all of those options: romantic partners are supposed to come before everyone else.
If a person is constantly prioritizing a friend or a possible love interest over their actual partner, their relationship is pretty much doomed, agreed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Great-Routine9964 had never had a good relationship with her husband’s female best friend, but when their relationship dynamic started to shift, the OP became concerned.
When her husband started taking calls with his friend out of earshot and planned a weekend away from her, the Original Poster (OP) could see something was being planned right in front of her face.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting about my husband wanting to take a solo trip to visit his girl best friend?”
The OP didn’t get along with her husband’s best friend.
“My (34 Female) husband (34 Male), has a ‘girl best friend’ who I have not gotten along with since they became friends in college.”
“There is a lot of backstory and history, so I will do my best to explain this here. Basically, she is a selfish friend who is constantly ‘in crisis’ and uses this to get him to always save her. He has a bit of a Superman complex and likes to help/save people, and often struggles to communicate effectively.”
“This combo has caused issues big and small throughout the years. At the smallest, he’s not texted me back when he’s with her or stayed out later than he is supposed to with no communication.”
“At the biggest, aside from the newest issue I am going to explain, he’s left work in the middle of the day to ‘save her’ in another STATE DURING A SNOW STORM because she got vertigo. He and her cousin and friend had to do this, and he let a stranger drive our car in terrible conditions. To be clear, she was safe in a coworker’s house, not stranded on the side of the road or anything.”
“Another time, I found out he was hiding in the car to talk to her on the phone.”
Her husband’s latest plans had the OP concerned and angry.
“And here we are now. She moved to another time zone this past fall. She has visited at least twice since then.”
“In early December, we were at a group outing and in a conversation with a friend, he casually brought up planning to fly to her city days before Christmas. I am talking like, leaving in two weeks. I had never heard a word about a trip before that.”
“I confronted him on the way home. Both for the fact that he hadn’t talked to me about it and for seemingly bringing it up in public to control my reaction, because he knew I wouldn’t like it.”
“After talking/fighting about it, he agreed he wouldn’t try to do any type of solo trip to her for a year.”
“Then, just the other night, we sat down to talk about our planned trips and budget for the year, one of which was a trip to her city together. This trip is for an event and has no attachment to her, and I think we even planned it before she announced her move. I’ve told him he can plan for a day to see her without me while we’re there.”
“Then he casually dropped, ‘Plus my solo trip to visit her in March or April.'”
“I lost it a bit. We talked in circles about how this isn’t what we discussed.”
“He called me controlling and admitted he only ‘agreed’ to wait a year previously to end that conversation and placate me.”
“I told him he was her fluffer boyfriend. He said even if we can’t agree on boundaries for this trip, he is still inclined to go.”
The OP couldn’t look at her husband the same anymore.
“Now I feel like any trust I had left is broken.”
“Will he even follow through on anything we agree to while he is there? Or will he just agree to shut me up and do whatever he wants when the time comes and then lie about it?”
“So, am I overreacting about my husband’s relationship and the idea of him going to see her alone?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some were sure something was going on, even if it was “just” emotional for now.
“NOR. I couldn’t get past the part about him ‘hiding in the car to talk to her on the phone.’ My jaw is still on the floor.”
“Why have you accepted this treatment?” – Single-Locksmith4190
“He knows he’s married. He knows his wife doesn’t approve, so he… continues what he’s doing and lies about it. I don’t know how women tolerate these men.” – Bittybellie
“NOR. I used to be baffled by my sister tolerating her baby daddy having multiple phones to cheat on her with. Like 10 years of this kind of bulls**t. It wasn’t until I was in my own abusive marriage that I could understand how detrimental psychological abuse can be. OP, leave him.” – Soggy-Excitement-132
“This is 100% emotional affair, if not more. Hang around the barber shop long enough, and he’s going to get his hair cut, especially if drinking alone with the barber.”
“This marriage has been over for all intents and purposes from the day it started. He really wanted to be married to his friend all along. OP has just been a placeholder for years… A live-in side piece to husband’s true soul mate.” – BullCityBoomerSooner
“My best friend is of the opposite sex, and not only have I never hidden to talk to him, a good portion of the time, our texts so d**n ridiculous, I read them out loud to my husband.” – sparksgirl1223
“My two childhood best friends are guys, but they’re like brothers to me, and both have spent time with my husband, and they all get along great. This seems extremely shady, and OP has been putting up with this for way too long!” – 3fluffypotatoes
“He’often struggles to communicate effectively.'”
“Soooo… Is that in all aspects of his life, or only when it comes to communicating with you in relation to her? Because it sounds like he’s communicating with her just fine, and acknowledges that he purposely doesn’t tell you things because he knows you wouldn’t like it.” – ElephantShoes256
Others pointed out to the OP that someone was being put first in the relationship, and it wasn’t the OP, and it might not even be her husband.
“NOR. This marriage is cooked. He puts her first 100% of the time and always has. You married him anyway, which is a decision you should be exploring with a therapist.” – susandeyvyjones
“I don’t think there is any changing this man. He gets something out of the ‘friend’ relationship even if it isn’t physically cheating, and he does not give a f**k about OP’s feelings. I think he probably enjoys playing them off each other.” – Zestyclose_Media_548
“Why would anyone marry an emotionally unavailable man? Clearly, his ‘friend’ is his priority. He’s proven it again and again. This man isn’t a catch, he’s already married to one woman and in a long-term long-distance relationship with another “ – Bittybellie
“My money is on, they don’t agree on something like having kids, so they can’t be togethe,r but still want all the other aspects of a relationship. The husband is using the OP for the wifey things and enjoying his friend for the… fun… things.” – lydocia
“NOR. I’m not jumping on the predicted upcoming ‘he’s cheating’ bandwagon YET, but it’s still not okay. He is prioritizing another woman over his wife and marriage.”
“Start planning weekends away with men.” – MarsupialConstant660
“As a married guy, this is totally inappropriate.”
“It is time to make it very clear, he can either have this ‘friendship’ or his marriage, but not both… because you’re sick of his total lack of proper boundaries and unwillingness to hear your side of things.” – Mobile_One2702
“NOR. Separate your finances if they aren’t already. Make sure your direct deposits only go to your account. Make an exit plan.”
‘He’ll notice. I guarantee this is how the conversation will go:”
“Him: What’s been going on with you.”
“You: Not much, I’m leaving you. How are you?”
“Him: What, over my friend? We’re just friends. You’re being jealous, insecure, controlling, etc. She is just my friend.”
“You: I don’t care about your friendship. You have hidden from me to talk to her. You have manipulated me for her. You have lied to me for her. You have clearly decided that your friendship is more important than your marriage, so have at it.”
“Then will come the groveling, etc.”
“Don’t back down. One of three things will happen if you do. He will resent you. He will cover his tracks more. Or he will wait until he thinks he’s back in your good graces, and this behavior will start again.”
“He will promise not to go on the trip, and you should tell him, ‘Go or don’t go, I am done. I won’t be in a relationship where I come third to your friend.'”
“Good luck, OP. NOR.” – z-eldapin
“The day I have to have a third party help explain to my so-called partner that he is wrong to go on a trip to see another woman after we agreed it’s a no…”
“I’m sorry he is such a weasel. I hope you just dump him. If he doesn’t understand how wrong it is I think he isn’t willing to be the partner you deserve.” – Cinderuki
The subReddit was furious on the OP’s behalf for how she was being treated by her so-called husband. It sounded like he really wanted to marry the friend and was simply dragging the OP along, which was far less than the OP deserved.