Relationships and marriages can take many forms.
Still, one thing remains consistent among all of those options: romantic partners are supposed to come before everyone else.
If a person is constantly prioritizing a friend or a possible love interest over their actual partner, their relationship is pretty much doomed, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Great-Routine9964 had never had a good relationship with her husband's female best friend, but when their relationship dynamic started to shift, the OP became concerned.
When her husband started taking calls with his friend out of earshot and planned a weekend away from her, the Original Poster (OP) could see something was being planned right in front of her face.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting about my husband wanting to take a solo trip to visit his girl best friend?"
The OP didn't get along with her husband's best friend.
"My (34 Female) husband (34 Male), has a 'girl best friend' who I have not gotten along with since they became friends in college."
"There is a lot of backstory and history, so I will do my best to explain this here. Basically, she is a selfish friend who is constantly 'in crisis' and uses this to get him to always save her. He has a bit of a Superman complex and likes to help/save people, and often struggles to communicate effectively."
"This combo has caused issues big and small throughout the years. At the smallest, he's not texted me back when he's with her or stayed out later than he is supposed to with no communication."
"At the biggest, aside from the newest issue I am going to explain, he's left work in the middle of the day to 'save her' in another STATE DURING A SNOW STORM because she got vertigo. He and her cousin and friend had to do this, and he let a stranger drive our car in terrible conditions. To be clear, she was safe in a coworker's house, not stranded on the side of the road or anything."
"Another time, I found out he was hiding in the car to talk to her on the phone."
Her husband's latest plans had the OP concerned and angry.
"And here we are now. She moved to another time zone this past fall. She has visited at least twice since then."
"In early December, we were at a group outing and in a conversation with a friend, he casually brought up planning to fly to her city days before Christmas. I am talking like, leaving in two weeks. I had never heard a word about a trip before that."
"I confronted him on the way home. Both for the fact that he hadn't talked to me about it and for seemingly bringing it up in public to control my reaction, because he knew I wouldn't like it."
"After talking/fighting about it, he agreed he wouldn't try to do any type of solo trip to her for a year."
"Then, just the other night, we sat down to talk about our planned trips and budget for the year, one of which was a trip to her city together. This trip is for an event and has no attachment to her, and I think we even planned it before she announced her move. I've told him he can plan for a day to see her without me while we're there."
"Then he casually dropped, 'Plus my solo trip to visit her in March or April.'"
"I lost it a bit. We talked in circles about how this isn't what we discussed."
"He called me controlling and admitted he only 'agreed' to wait a year previously to end that conversation and placate me."
"I told him he was her fluffer boyfriend. He said even if we can't agree on boundaries for this trip, he is still inclined to go."
The OP couldn't look at her husband the same anymore.
"Now I feel like any trust I had left is broken."
"Will he even follow through on anything we agree to while he is there? Or will he just agree to shut me up and do whatever he wants when the time comes and then lie about it?"
"So, am I overreacting about my husband's relationship and the idea of him going to see her alone?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were sure something was going on, even if it was "just" emotional for now.
"NOR. I couldn't get past the part about him 'hiding in the car to talk to her on the phone.' My jaw is still on the floor."
"Why have you accepted this treatment?" - Single-Locksmith4190
"He knows he's married. He knows his wife doesn't approve, so he… continues what he's doing and lies about it. I don't know how women tolerate these men." - Bittybellie
"NOR. I used to be baffled by my sister tolerating her baby daddy having multiple phones to cheat on her with. Like 10 years of this kind of bulls**t. It wasn't until I was in my own abusive marriage that I could understand how detrimental psychological abuse can be. OP, leave him." - Soggy-Excitement-132
"This is 100% emotional affair, if not more. Hang around the barber shop long enough, and he's going to get his hair cut, especially if drinking alone with the barber."
"This marriage has been over for all intents and purposes from the day it started. He really wanted to be married to his friend all along. OP has just been a placeholder for years... A live-in side piece to husband's true soul mate." - BullCityBoomerSooner
"My best friend is of the opposite sex, and not only have I never hidden to talk to him, a good portion of the time, our texts so d**n ridiculous, I read them out loud to my husband." - sparksgirl1223
"My two childhood best friends are guys, but they're like brothers to me, and both have spent time with my husband, and they all get along great. This seems extremely shady, and OP has been putting up with this for way too long!" - 3fluffypotatoes
"He'often struggles to communicate effectively.'"
"Soooo... Is that in all aspects of his life, or only when it comes to communicating with you in relation to her? Because it sounds like he's communicating with her just fine, and acknowledges that he purposely doesn't tell you things because he knows you wouldn't like it." - ElephantShoes256
Others pointed out to the OP that someone was being put first in the relationship, and it wasn't the OP, and it might not even be her husband.
"NOR. This marriage is cooked. He puts her first 100% of the time and always has. You married him anyway, which is a decision you should be exploring with a therapist." - susandeyvyjones
"I don't think there is any changing this man. He gets something out of the 'friend' relationship even if it isn't physically cheating, and he does not give a f**k about OP's feelings. I think he probably enjoys playing them off each other." - Zestyclose_Media_548
"Why would anyone marry an emotionally unavailable man? Clearly, his 'friend' is his priority. He's proven it again and again. This man isn't a catch, he's already married to one woman and in a long-term long-distance relationship with another " - Bittybellie
"My money is on, they don't agree on something like having kids, so they can't be togethe,r but still want all the other aspects of a relationship. The husband is using the OP for the wifey things and enjoying his friend for the... fun... things." - lydocia
"NOR. I'm not jumping on the predicted upcoming 'he's cheating' bandwagon YET, but it's still not okay. He is prioritizing another woman over his wife and marriage."
"Start planning weekends away with men." - MarsupialConstant660
"As a married guy, this is totally inappropriate."
"It is time to make it very clear, he can either have this 'friendship' or his marriage, but not both... because you're sick of his total lack of proper boundaries and unwillingness to hear your side of things." - Mobile_One2702
"NOR. Separate your finances if they aren't already. Make sure your direct deposits only go to your account. Make an exit plan."
'He'll notice. I guarantee this is how the conversation will go:"
"Him: What's been going on with you."
"You: Not much, I'm leaving you. How are you?"
"Him: What, over my friend? We're just friends. You're being jealous, insecure, controlling, etc. She is just my friend."
"You: I don't care about your friendship. You have hidden from me to talk to her. You have manipulated me for her. You have lied to me for her. You have clearly decided that your friendship is more important than your marriage, so have at it."
"Then will come the groveling, etc."
"Don't back down. One of three things will happen if you do. He will resent you. He will cover his tracks more. Or he will wait until he thinks he's back in your good graces, and this behavior will start again."
"He will promise not to go on the trip, and you should tell him, 'Go or don't go, I am done. I won't be in a relationship where I come third to your friend.'"
"Good luck, OP. NOR." - z-eldapin
"The day I have to have a third party help explain to my so-called partner that he is wrong to go on a trip to see another woman after we agreed it's a no..."
"I'm sorry he is such a weasel. I hope you just dump him. If he doesn't understand how wrong it is I think he isn't willing to be the partner you deserve." - Cinderuki
The subReddit was furious on the OP's behalf for how she was being treated by her so-called husband. It sounded like he really wanted to marry the friend and was simply dragging the OP along, which was far less than the OP deserved.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.