One thing a lot of parents don't think about when they decide to have children is the number of extracurriculars most children will be involved in, even just simple sleepovers with friends.
The other thing they may not know is how much some kids will be left out of, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor AshtonLVII looked on as their son developed a friendship with a special needs child in his class, to the point that he wanted to start inviting him to events, including his next slumber party.
But knowing that their son's friend would need more assistance than the other children at the party, the Original Poster (OP) was hesitant to invite him.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for not letting my son invite his special needs friend to his sleepover?"
The OP had reservations about their son's newest friends.
"My son has been excitedly planning this sleepover with his school friends, and I initially had no issue with it since I'm already familiar with his friend group as they often come over to play basketball after school."
"However, my son recently made friends with a boy named Jason who has special needs."
"I'm not exactly sure what his condition is, but he clearly has some sort of developmental disorder and has the mind of a five-year-old despite being almost 12."
The OP was concerned about how to include their son's new friend at a slumber party.
"My son wanted to invite him to the sleepover, but I was hesitant since I wasn't sure if I was equipped to handle someone with special needs."
"Plus, Jason has a caretaker at school that is always with him, so I know he requires a lot of attention and supervision."
"I initially told my son that he couldn't invite Jason over because of his special needs, but he got upset and said that he didn't want Jason to be left out since he's his first and only friend."
"I still told him no because I didn't think I could care for Jason properly, and I didn't think it was appropriate for my son to have to take on that responsibility either."
The situation escalated.
"At this point, my son was having a bad attitude, so I decided to cancel the sleepover altogether."
"When I told my wife about the situation, she called me an ableist for not wanting Jason to come over just because he has a disability."
"She said that we should have called his mother to find out how we could accommodate him and make him feel included in the sleepover."
"Was I the a**hole here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was the AH for making ableist assumptions about Jason.
"YTA. Thankfully, your son gets his attitude from his mother and not you. Your wife was EXACTLY right." - YouSayWotNow
"Talk to the other child's family for f**k's sake. YTA. Your wife is 100% correct that you're an off-the-scale ableist. I really hope your child doesn't start seeing disabled people as an inconvenience like you clearly do." - walkyoucleverboy
"YTA."
"Not for being concerned about your ability to manage the situation but because you didn't even try to find solutions."
"Maybe a call to Jason's parents to see if there were any accommodations or how sleepovers have been approached in the past, or inviting him for part of it but not the actual sleepover portion."
"It sounds like your kid really likes him and cares about him feeling excluded, you could learn a lesson from your son." - CrystalQueen3000
"YTA. Ableist and a little lazy, to boot."
"You should have, at the very least, spoken to Jason's parents to learn the extent of his needs before deciding whether or not you are able to provide adequate supervision."
"Another option, if Jason sleeping over isn't feasible, would be to have him join in for the first part of the festivities and then go home at bedtime or ask Jason's parents to bring him around in the morning to enjoy breakfast and some playtime with the gang." - rapt2right
"YTA."
"A phone call to Jason's parents could have avoided all this."
"They might have said Jason wasn't ready for a sleepover yet. Or that he could come for dinner and cake, but would need to come home before bedtime. Or that he could participate, but would need a parent with him (which would have given you an extra adult to help out, which might not be a bad thing)."
"My perspective is that I have a nephew who is physically disabled. And my brother and SIL (sister-in-law) were so grateful for the parents who did not automatically exclude him from birthday parties, but who checked with them to find out what he could do, and what places around town were accessible to him."
"There was great rejoicing by all the year Nephew figured out how to maneuver a laser tag gun and his wheelchair at the same time, opening up another option besides bowling and going to the movies for the birthday parties."
"But the key thing was that the kids put up with the movies and bowling because, like your son, they wanted to include my nephew." - krankykitty
"YTA."
"My daughter is special needs, and her friends' parents ALWAYS talk to us before having her over. I am SO thankful that her friends have parents that are willing to learn and grow so my kiddo can be included in her friends' lives."
"This post made me so sad for your son and his friend, Jason." - Kat1eBradley
"As a parent of three children with additional needs, YTA."
"Your son sounds like an amazing, inclusive, compassionate, and supportive friend."
"My children have had some friends like that, and they're the most amazing little people. I'm always careful to try to hold a balance of letting them be kids together and also making sure the other child isn't left in a position of constantly caring for my child."
"Nobody owes my children their time, or their friendship, but some wonderful, empathic children are able to be understanding and put in a little extra effort to make the world a nicer place for everyone."
"Kids with additional needs are constantly left out of things: by schools, by the community, and by organizations being unable to cater to them, by their peers, and by parents of their peers."
"I'm betting that this child's parent would have been over the moon to have their child finally included in something as a peer, by a peer, and would probably have bent over backward to provide you with help and support to make it happen for their child."
"Shame on you for punishing your child for being supportive, rather than inconveniencing yourself by taking even the tiniest step to find out more." - Ill-Assumption-661
But others respected the OP's decision to recognize their own parenting limits.
"NTA. Talk to Jason's parents about the sleepover. Get their input so you don't look like the bad guy. Share your concerns with them."
"They may agree with you in which case they would not let Jason attend if invited. So your son can invite Jason, but his parents would decline the invitation."
"To appease your son and wife, ask Jason's parents if they would consider holding a sleepover at their house instead."
"Just best guesses on my part. Sorry about your situation." - Ronotimy
"NTA. I agree with the OP."
"I was an activity leader in an after-school care program 20 years ago. There was one kid who was autistic and he was a handful. I couldn't imagine him at a sleepover."
"The OP being concerned about not being able to adequately care for his son's friend is valid." - Teldori
"NTA. All the people who think you're an a** live in a dream world of bubbles. If he is so handicapped that he acts like a five-year-old, then taking care of him PLUS a bunch of 12-year-old boys is not only not safe but also risky."
"The fact that you foresaw this and actually admitted it may be too much to handle is the natural thing to do. Feelings aren't everything. Practicality and safety come first." - AlienBeingMe
"Going against the grain: NTA. It's already a lot to have a few kids over. Adding a child with special needs that requires a full-day helper is probably too much for a parent who is not experienced with special needs kids."
"Could he ask about what all would need to be done? Yes. But he's not 'ablest' just because he doesn't want to commit to caring for the child for a sleepover."
"For the future, he could arrange short play dates so he can get experience with the child before committing to hosting him for 24 hours." - Dazzling_Mixture_311
"You'd be responsible if anything went wrong, and you RIGHTLY admitted you're not sure about looking after a child with disabilities."
"Smart guy not to take the risk however it would have been worse to do some research and speak to the parents of the child to see if it's something you believe you could manage."
"NTA." - rubba_tt
"NTA. It will be extra work and effort. If you're not up to it, it's okay to say no. Better to be honest and not agree to it and then not give the kid the extra assistance he needs, or treat him with resentment." - Spoopa83
"NTA. I work with kids with different types of special and mental disabilities. Like you said, their age could be 12 but have a mind of a five-year-old."
"They are great and wonderful little sweeties. But you have to know what to do when they all of a sudden have a meltdown and start screaming and attacking people or themselves. You need to know what's in their care plan to calm them down or what their triggers are, or if they are runners or need help in the bathroom."
"It's mentally hard work. And if he has a para at school, you know it's not going to be that easy."
"But at the same time, they are still humans with feelings, even if some can't show them. They are actually smart little cuties. They can sense what you're feeling towards them and stuff."
"You should one day invite him and his mom over for a little playdate and watch how he is and talk to the mom and ask her questions. Little steps and make him feel wanted." - Party-Bumblebee8832
The subReddit could appreciate that a child with special needs would, of course, need some assistance in ways the OP's son and other friends would not.
However, the subReddit was otherwise divided on how the OP had handled the slumber party plans.
Some admitted they would have made the same decision, while others felt that a conversation with the friend's parents and practicing inclusion were more important.
Canceling the overall slumber party, all because their son was standing up for his friend, they agreed was totally over the top, however.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp