Content Warning: Mentions of Controlling and Manipulative Behavior, Financial Abuse, Work Abuse
Anyone who has lived with a roommate or romantic partner can attest to how annoying it can be to balance out the chores in the home.
But when more people are involved, especially when they are children, it only gets messier, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Natural_Copy_3850 felt her life totally change when she had a baby, not just because of having a baby but because of how her husband started treating her and how it changed her work life.
When he refused to see her perspective and would not help her "more" at home, the Original Poster (OP) began to ponder if it would be better to get a divorce.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for leaving my husband after he refused to help with our child?"
The OP's work life completely changed when she had a baby.
"My (29 Female) husband (30 Male) and I have been together for 10 years and currently share one child (3 Female)."
"When our daughter was born, I was working full-time in an office setting, but then went on leave after developing severe PPD (Post-Partum Depression)."
"We realized that we didn't need my full income, so I stepped down to part-time so we didn't have to use daycare, and to hopefully relieve some stress to ease my depression."
The OP quickly felt the imbalance of home life duties when she switched to part-time.
"I worked part-time from the time she was six months old until January 2025. During this time, I was responsible for the household and our daughter."
"My husband's only real responsibility was cooking dinner and the occasional breakfast."
"I cleaned, I grocery shopped and meal planned, I remembered all the appointments and events, I also did all of the child rearing with the exception of the two days I worked in office (I had one day from home, but my daughter was at home with me)."
"I became more overwhelmed than I was before. I asked for help constantly, and my husband would follow through for about two weeks before telling me that he was too tired from working full time (~40 hrs)."
The couple disagreed about the OP going back to working full-time.
"I told him I wanted to go back to work full-time and split the workload."
"He said no."
"I found a job anyway. One where I'd be able to put my daughter in a reputable daycare for my remote days and still be bringing in more monthly than my part-time job."
"(It's important to note that we are also renovating our entire home due to hurricane damage and we didn't have insurance so extra income is needed.)"
"I told my husband about the job after accepting the position. He was furious. He told me not to expect any help outside of what he does now (cooking). He has remained steadfast in his decision to not help."
"I recently asked again if he could at least help by brushing her teeth in the morning. He said no."
"I said we are supposed to be a team, and I would really appreciate his help."
"He snapped that this is what I wanted, I did this to myself, and he would not be helping beyond his fair share."
Between working full-time and part-time, the OP realized there was another option.
"I said Fine, I'll figure it out myself."
"I have asked on a number of occasions for more help. I even gave specific examples of what would be helpful."
"He stands by the statement that he does more than his fair share. He helps with the lawn when I've been busy, but usually I do the landscaping/gardening (personal preference, I enjoy it). Also, he cooks because he enjoys it. I hate it."
"I've since been contemplating divorce. If the only responsibility I need to pick up is cooking, then what help do I need from him?"
"Am I wrong for deciding that if he won't help, I won't stay?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that what she was asking for was reasonable.
"NTA. Marriage and parenting are supposed to be a team effort, not one person doing 95% while the other cooks dinner. You deserve real support, not resentment for asking." - bbyglossx
"I have a feeling that once OP cuts the dead weight that is her husband, she is going to find relief and her workload lightened to a more manageable amount."
"Seriously, what type of piece of s**t do you have to be to not step up and help your toddler brush their teeth? What type of POS are you that you are content to watch your partner struggle and then give them more grief when they ask for help?"
"He brings in a paycheck and makes five to seven meals a week. That is the bare minimum for a roommate-type situation or just oneself. Those are not the actions of a true man/husband/father who is part of a family." - Scorp128
"NTA. Tell him-our daughter was not conceived by miraculous conception. That's 50% of you there. So either you do your 50% of parenting, and you and I are a team, or you do your 50% as a single dad. Your choice. You're doing this to yourself." - TooTallBrawl1919
"It seems like the husband thinks that OP is the only one who wanted that kid... because what kind of loving dad would not want to spend time with their kid? If they divorced, then would he ask for 50% custody and finally do 50% just not to pay child support?"
"Because if you assume that your wife is supposed to work and take care of the kid and house basically 100% of the time (in my honest opinion, cooking dinner is not even 5% contribution as he is also eating) then try living alone, cleaning the house and cooking for yourself and on top of that paying child support cause you didn't want any custody."
"The husband clearly doesn't appreciate OP and her contribution. Working 40 hours per week plus a couple of hours on cooking dinner is nothing compared to PT/FT job plus 24/7 childcare and household chores. They could probably fix some of their problems by hiring help, but husband's attitude is so selfish and misogynistic that OP is better off divorcing." - lndlml
"Seriously, what a lazy guy. I work full-time, which is often overtime in the military, and stand 24/7 on call duty weeks, and my husband has to be up at 4:00 AM and sometimes has to work the weekend. We have a toddler and a baby. He's exhausted, and I try to carry all I can."
"He's still 100% hands-on. We both are. We are tired and overworked, and we still prioritize our marriage and our family. Our exhaustion comes second. When we get home, it's both of us juggling tasks."
"Sometimes one person is more than the other to make sure we get everything that needs to be done, done while making room for one-on-one time with the kids."
"I have zero sympathy for men like this. My husband would shame the crap out of this guy." - Elismom1313
Others agreed and hoped that the OP would give herself the relief of divorce.
"He's definitely not seeing them as a team or as partners. He seems to feel that if he does more, he loses."
"He will be stunned when she tells him she has worked it out and she's filing for divorce. He will likely say he didn't know she was serious." - BlazingSunflowerland
"Men like this will be like, 'I didn't think you were that unhappy,' and then when the truth comes out, they'll be like, 'Please stay, I'll do ANYTHING.' But by then, you just want them to be gone."
"The 'I'll do anything' is a bust, though. If they can do it, when the alternative is divorce, why the eff couldn't they do it, when their partners said they were drowning and needed support, just to cope with daily life?!"
"Women, in general, see the support they get. And they ask for help. If they don't get it, they make up their minds and go through with it. Trying to get them to reconsider with 'I'll do anything' is never going to work."
"And NTA. He just wanted to have a kid as a status symbol or something. He doesn't sound like he really cares about the well-being of the kid at all." - Special_Lychee_6847
"NTA. If you divorce, you will split custody, and then you'll have nights where you have only yourself to worry about. No one wants to be away from their kid, but this would also ensure he does his part to. You can't keep going 100 miles per hour without crashing, it's time to put yourself and the baby first." - EggshellsShoelaces
"NTA. But divorce takes time."
"In the meantime, you need to accept that he will do nothing but cook. So you need to stop doing a lot of the things you are doing to make his life easier."
"Clean your side of the bedroom. Vacuum your side. Not his. Clean the sink or shower before you use it, not after. So that they haven't been cleaned before he uses them. If you have more than one bathroom, just use the other one and leave him with his own dirty bathroom."
"Do your laundry and your child's laundry. Don't do his." - chez2202
"Today's women have enough income to walk away if the marriage is unsatisfactory. Men who were raised with an imbalance in the home and who think that's just the way it is are angry when it doesn't work in their own home. Be one of them, OP. NTA." - marley_1756
The subReddit was appalled by how the OP had been treated and how she had to advocate for herself just to get somewhere in life as a working mother and woman.
If her husband couldn't understand how he needed to step up and share the experience of raising their child and having a home, then maybe it was best for them to live under separate roofs.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.