Bad tattoo or tattoo regret forums always seem to include plenty of stories of people adding a significant other's name on their body, then not staying with that person and needing to have it covered up or removed.
But what if the tattoo is for a love lost to death?
The person with the tattoo may not want it gone, but depending on what it says or how it's done, it may make new relationships awkward.
A man who tried to answer questions for a friend about her memorial tattoo turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice—like this post was—and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
NorthernCanadaEh asked:
"AITAH for telling a friend that a tattoo on her chest saying 'Forever Brian's' is a deal breaker for most men? Even though Brian has since passed away?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I've got a friend named Ula that is relatively new as I've only known her for 4 years. All my friends are like.... 10-15 years+ with three being 35 years+."
"My wife calls me a 'slow burn' when it comes to making friends. She's super outgoing and makes friends almost instantly where ever she goes. Whereas I often say 'I can barely handle the friends I do have, let alone more'."
"It wasn't really until this whole situation came about that I realized I've known her so long and finally put her firmly in the 'good friend' category in my mind, making this friendship feel new."
"She has a tattoo on her chest just below her collar bone that says 'Forever Brian's'."
"She got it when she was quite young (early 20's) about 15 years ago when she was engaged to her first love, who unfortunately passed away due to cancer, is my understanding. I don't know the history beyond that it happened quite quickly and she got the tattoo after he passed away."
"I've been watching her date for about 4 years now and the tattoo has consistently been a sticking point for the 3-4 or so guys that I've seen her with. Each one has said it differently, but they've all said that they'd like her to get it removed or that it makes them uncomfortable enough to leave the relationship when it got serious."
"Last night Ula and my wife were having a girl's night together and I was downstairs enjoying some Baldur's Gate 3 when they both came down and asked for a 'guy's opinion' and harassed me until I put the controller down."
"I warned them, repeatedly, that if they ask me for a 'guy's opinion' that I would provide one but it might be hurtful."
"So, I asked the ladies if they remembered the movie Titanic? They both agreed. I asked them if they remembered what the core theme of the movie was. They both answered that it was a love story between Jack and Rose."
"So I told Ula, 'Do you know who it wasn't a love story for? Rose's husband. Rose's husband married her, had children with her. Stayed married to her for roughly 60 years and grew old together, overcame adversity and successfully had a long life together'."
"But Rose didn't think of her husband or those memories together when she died 60 years later. She thought of Jack. All of that living that Rose and her husband did together meant little because in the end when she passed over, she went to her first love, Jack."
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"I looked at Ula and said, 'That tattoo is written confirmation that they're not your forever person. Which is fine when you're casually dating, but what you're indirectly asking for when things start to get serious is if they're willing to sign up to be your Rose's husband'."
"I agreed that Brian had passed away over a decade ago. I agreed it wasn't fair. I agreed that they were stupidly competing with a dead person. I agreed that removing it won't change how she felt about Brian."
"My bottom line was this was a 'one guy's' opinion on the matter, which obviously all her previous boyfriends to some degree agreed with me on, as each one had raised it as a serious issue to them."
"I wasn't trying to start a huge argument, but that's basically what happened, so I tried a different approach and told her, 'Look, not trying to start sh*t, but everyone wants to find their forever person, what you're doing is basically telling these guys you've already found yours and that's not changing, so they keep it casual for as long as they can. When you try to get serious, they leave to protect themselves because no one wants to be a placeholder and it doesn't help how aggressively you defend it'."
"Shortly after she passed out on the couch much to my relief. In hindsight this should've been a conversation to have while sober."
"So, was I too harsh? Was I an a**hole?"
"Even the next morning she was slowly crying and committing to removing it. Which I told her to talk it out with more than just friends and maybe seek out a professional opinion before removing it, but I sure felt like a royal a**hole."
"It really felt like there was no winning here. Just a lot of hurt feelings and distant tragedy."
The OP later added:
"In all fairness, I had just smoked a joint and wasn't really on top of my mental game."
"Plus I was on the back heel the entire time, only getting a response in edgewise when they paused."
"I've watched her relationships end over a few years, so my wife and I had discussed the tattoo previously (privately, between us) a few times."
"This gave me a lot of time to consider how I would discuss it with her should the topic come up."
"Admittedly, there is some variability for the relationships ending, like communication issues or age differences leading to different expectations, but that tattoo was always a common denominator and frequently brought up by her exes."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP wasn't wrong with his overall message.
But he was also correct in thinking this was a conversation that should have waited until everyone was sober.
"NAH, although having it with her while drunk wasn't great. I can't fault you for that as they basically ganged up on you."
"Also, while I sympathize with her, I agree with your response 100%. Nobody wants to, or should have to, compete with a memory."
"A suggestion, maybe she can find an artist who can transform it into a graphic that reminds her of him without the wording. A flower, wreath, character, whatever they had in common."
"A good tattoo artist can transfer a lot, BUT make sure she gets a GOOD ONE with good reviews of revisions. I would find that, as a female, a turnoff for a long-term relationship. I do not want to compete with memories. It is a no-win situation." ~ Heavy-Society3535
"This is a really delicate situation. You came from a place of honesty, but it sounds like it landed pretty harshly—especially since the tattoo is tied to a deeply personal and painful part of your friend's life."
"Here's the thing: You're not necessarily the a**hole for sharing your perspective honestly—you warned them it might be blunt, and you framed it as your personal 'guy's opinion'."
"But it's understandable that your friend felt hurt, because a tattoo commemorating a lost love isn't just a 'deal breaker' issue, it's a part of her grief and identity."
"You recognized this yourself by acknowledging Brian's passing and that removing the tattoo won't change how she feels. The problem was maybe how the message was delivered: it felt like you were asking her to erase part of her history to make others more comfortable."
"If you want to repair this and support her:"
"• Emphasize that her feelings and history are valid, and the tattoo means something important to her."
"• Acknowledge that dating with that kind of visible symbol of past love can be complicated, but it doesn't make her wrong for having it."
"• Suggest she talk to a counselor or therapist to navigate how to balance honoring Brian and building new relationships, if that's something she wants."
"Ultimately, it's her choice whether or not to remove or cover the tattoo. You can't control how others react to it, but you can be a supportive friend by respecting her grief and the complexity of moving forward."
"So: YTA for how you delivered it, but your concern came from a place of wanting to help, even if it hurt. Would you want her to be blunt with you about something that could impact your relationships? Probably not without care and empathy." ~ ILOSTMYUSB
"NAH, she committed to remove it, meaning you got through to her. She just had to process the pain of realising you were right first." ~ couchlockedemo
The OP provided an update:
"The friendship is strained, but we're good. She repeatedly expressed thanks (the next morning) on our drive home to her house, and I apologized for 'being an a**hole' a lot."
"Another Redditor suggested getting the tattoo remade into a picture or concept that deeply represents her love for him, but doesn't really remove it, which I really, really wish I thought of at the time."
"I'll certainly take your suggestions up, kinda structuring something in my head right now."
It sounds like the OP got the advice they needed and some great suggestions for Ula as well.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.