People don't like being talked down to.
It can be especially difficult to swallow that behavior from a significant other.
Eventually, someone who will speak up or 'accidentally' spar back.
And the reaction... won't always be pretty.
Case in point...
Redditor Chemical_Eagle1007 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my wife she was 'so close' to getting her dream job?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a 33-year-old man and my wife is 27."
"Since the start of our relationship, my wife has been very particular about how things get done."
"And she tends to believe that she knows the one true correct way for anything related to anything."
"She has admitted that she can be a control freak."
"While this bothers me, it has never been a true dealbreaker in our relationship."
"Very often when I do just about anything, whether it be a household chore, assembling a piece of furniture, taking a picture, or writing a presentation for work (in a field where I have a master's degree and she has no formal education), she'll do this thing where she'll condescendingly say 'You were so close to getting it right.'"
"Really drawing out the 'so close' part."
"I've told her dozens of times that I'd prefer for her to stop because it sounds so condescending, but she insists that she's complimenting me."
"I do the dishes and place them out to dry in an orientation she doesn't approve of?"
"You were so close. Next time, put them that way."
"I take a picture of her?"
"You were so close. Next time, angle the camera this way."
"I complete a project at work and show her the results?"
"You were so close. Next time, write it this way."
"For the last two months, my wife has been undergoing an intensive hiring process for a job in our city."
"She works in a highly niche field and seldom finds job openings."
"And therefore she was ecstatic to have the opportunity for a relatively well-paying job doing what she wants to do."
"She got to the very final stage where the company was considering two people, coincidentally the other of whom was her college roommate."
"Well, on Friday she got 'the call' telling her thanks for her application but blah blah blah, record on file, all that jazz."
"My wife came to me crying."
"I immediately comforted her and 'You were so close' blurted out."
"Her head whipped up and she asked what I meant by that."
"I said she was so close to getting the job but was just a bit off."
"She immediately walked out to stay at her friend's house, where she is currently sulking."
"She finally sent me a text this afternoon calling me a huge jerk."
"Was I unnecessarily being an a**hole here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Man, you were so close to being the a-hole, but after all you've endured, NTA." ~ Invisigoth2113
"Brilliant. If OP's reaction was hugely jerkish, it was the result of a continuous series of cruel little micro-aggressions by his wife."
"Her calling him a jerk is an indictment of her own behavior."
"She made this and she earned this. NTA." ~ Curious-One4595
"Husband does dishes or the laundry."
"Wife: 'You were 'so close' to getting it right, next time do it this way."
"Husband: 'You were 'so close' to not being an unappreciative nagging jerk, next time say thank you and then shut your mouth or I will just leave everything to you to do AND I will stop sharing things with you."
"OP, I won't judge if you are TA or not, because I get why you lost control and said it then."
"But trying to teach a lesson like that to your heartbroken disappointed wife... well, let's just say that your timing sucked."
"And I doubt that the lesson will be learned." ~ Betrayed_Orphan
"I honestly don't think he was trying to teach her."
"It came out - and possibly because of her history of pulling that crap."
"What's good for the goose is good for the gander."
"I think he probably wishes she'd understand that is some passive-aggressive crap. OP, NTA." ~ RanaEire
"I'm betting her 'so close' response is probably learned behavior from her parents, unfortunately."
"I had parents that nothing was ever clean enough or correct enough."
"But again I'm now a very petty person so I'm going with NTA here."
"My petty side is having an emotional overload party in my in my mind." ~ stripeymouse3050
"NTA. Control freaks HATE when you flip the script on them."
"A taste of their own medicine is good every once and a while." ~ frogginbullfish5
"The wife's comments are like death by a thousand little cuts."
"This relationship won't end well or will become emotionally dead just to keep it going if things don't change."
"OP is NTA but I assure you he did take joy in saying that to her."
"I would have said it as well."
"I'd also be looking for marriage therapy or a divorce lawyer."
"No one can survive such micromanagement in a relationship for long." ~ rancidquail
"Yes! My son married a micro-manager."
"And she knows so much, I'm told how to measure stuff (for baking!) correctly."
"And my husband told me how to put a screw in right."
"Us being 60, them being 25."
"Always hovering to correct something."
"Even my son tells her 'I think my mom knows that.'"
"Wow. And I love this NTA OP." ~ Suzee321
"OP ignore any ESH or YTA comments, you have finally confirmed for yourself that her comments were not in fact compliments but condescending jabs."
"You don't need to apologize to her but you should talk it out and let her understand that's how you felt all those times when she made that comment."
"I hope you work this out with her as I don't think this is something that you should end your relationship over. NTA." ~ L-Anderson
"Depending on the wife's personality type, she might not be able to cast a critical eye on herself."
"He said she is controlling and thinks her way is the only way to do things."
"Many people like this cannot imagine anything wrong with anything they do so when cornered with their behavior, they lash out and try to turn it around on the other person."
"This isn't everyone, of course."
"But I can't say I would be surprised if it turned out it was her."
"For the sake of the OP, I hope his wife is a person capable of introspection and changing behavior." ~ magicmom17
"Please don't have children with this woman."
"She will sincerely emotionally damage them for life."
"Constantly being told you are not good enough is not healthy for anyone."
"Are you happy?
"NTA, but I'd consider some counseling to figure out why you are willing to remain in a situation where you never measure up to your wife's standards."
"This is not normal." ~ Intelligent_Sundae_5
"And isn't this just the perfect opportunity to get her in a Catch-22?"
"She invalidated your annoyances when you brought up how it made you feel and pretended that you're overreacting and taking it the wrong way."
"If it's not annoyingly condescending at all then why would she be upset enough to leave and go stay with a friend when you tell her the exact same thing?"
"Can't have it both ways. NTA." ~ fantastic-cabbage
"This, yeah. Ordinarily, I would've judged that as ESH, because kicking your spouse when she's down is an AH thing to do."
"But the fact that she so thoroughly debunked her own, 'It's just a compliment!' claim turns this around for me."
"Sometimes, AHs need a taste of their own medicine. NTA." ~ HoldFastO2
"The fact that she took offense immediately, just proves that she knows she's being condescending every single time she says it to you - but putting you down makes her feel good about herself it seems."
"Maybe this will be a wake-up call for her to stop being an a-hole to you."
"So no, NTA for giving her some of her own medicine and proving the point." ~ realdappermuis
"I don't find OP saying 'you were so close' kicking the wife when she is down."
"I think the issue here is that the wife felt insulted because that is what she was doing to OP all along."
"The way I interpret OP's 'so close' statement is that the wife was so close to getting the job which is true."
"It was between her and her old roommate in the final round and the roommate got the job."
"This goes to show that the wife has a guilty conscience." ~ Traditional-Tune-302
OP came back with a response...
"I want to be completely honest (as other people are asking) that it wasn't my intention to give her a taste of her own medicine."
"I just heard that phrase so many times in so many different situations that it was legitimately the first thing that came to mind."
"She really was so close... that's what I was trying to say."
"That she was so close."
"When she reacted with shock that I'd say such a thing with her I do admit that I doubled down because I've heard it literally hundreds of times."
Well OP, sounds like Reddit gets your point.
It can't be easy being spoken down to all the time.
You and the wife may need a sit-down and really talk this all out.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.