Random strangers touching people's hair without asking is a real phenomenon many racial and ethnic minorities face.
While blonds and redheads may experience people staring or asking to take pictures in areas where their hair color is exceedingly rare, the touching phenomenon is far more common in the United States. And the people who most often experience it are those with hair textures type 3-4.
This includes many Black, Pacific Islander, African, and Indigenous Australian people.
Being touched without consent, as well as being treated like a curiosity rather than a person, is upsetting and demeaning.
A teen turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after this happened to him.
Imaginary_Report2596 asked:
"AITA for snapping at my boyfriend's friend for touching my hair?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (15, male) am Black and I live in a predominantly White area and go to a mostly White school and I'm pretty introverted. I have a fro and the amount of people who will just up and try/start touching my hair is wild."
"It's gotten to the point where it pisses me off. I met my boyfriend Colt (15, male) at a wrestling meet a few months ago and I let him play in my hair and I play in his curly jewfro. It's just kind of an intimate soothing thing between us."
"We go to different schools, so we don't hang around each other's friends a whole lot. Saturday he was having like a movie marathon with some of his friends and he wanted me to come.
"While there, one of his friends—some White girl named Madison—starts just playing in my hair saying it's softer than she thought. I immediately jerked back and asked her WTF are you doin?"
"She tells me she just wanted to see what it was like. I snapped at her that I wasn't a damn dog and she gets all defensive saying she saw Colt doing it and thought it was OK."
"I yelled at her that I'm not dating her and went home."
"Colt came over later and apologized for her, but he says I didn't have to get so upset and go off on her like that. He says people come up to him trying to touch his jewfro to see what Jewish hair feels like all the time and he never took it that seriously."
"I tell him it's kinda different, but he still thinks I overreacted."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Possibly overreacting and causing a scene with Colts friends. Getting way more upset then necessary. Going off on Madison."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Remind Colt that body autonomy means you decide who touches you. If he still insists its NBD, make an example of him."
Also, you're right it's different, it's a whole historical thing with how African hair is perceived and treated."
"Colt can research it himself or he can take your word that it isn't cool, apologize for minimizing your feelings and instruct his friend on why her behavior was out of line and that she should apologize." ~ SQ_Madriel
"I'm Jewish and have curly hair and people sometimes want to touch it. But they ask. I also think there's a racial difference at play though too."
"Black hair is another aspect of their appearance that gets targeted—like people being told it's not 'professional' to wear their hair natural. Nobody has ever said that to me and my hair can get pretty wild."
"Or, it can be kind of fetishized as exotic—which I've heard Black women say they hate (and I do know OP is a guy). The bottom line is, it's weird to even ask a stranger to touch their hair."
"But it's just straight up invasive and clueless to do it without asking." ~ JLHuston
"NTA. I'm White and I know you don't touch a Black person's hair without asking. Hell, you shouldn't touch ANYONE's hair without asking, but you REALLY shouldn't touch a Black person's hair."
"I don't understand why so many folks of the Caucasian persuasion can't seem to grasp this." ~ BabserellaWT
"NTA. You're good. I'm sorry that happened to you."
"It might be helpful to explain to your boyfriend that this is important to you and he needs to respect that even if he doesn't feel the same way. His reaction will tell you if he's a keeper or not." ~ MURDERTRUCK
"NTA. This person told you 'it's softer than I thought' which sounds offensive itself. Not saying he's never heard it, but unless he has he won't know the difference. Also some people are cool with being touched, a lot of people arent, I'm of the latter myself." ~ Redefynetv
"NTA. White people touching our (Black People's) hair and bodies without permission is a whole historical thing. It is NOT OK. Full stop."
"Just because your boyfriend deals with something similar and allows it doesn't not mean you have to, as well." ~ IntelligentDesign77
"Obviously NTA. No one should be touching you anywhere just because they are curious. You have every right to stand up for yourself. I'm glad you did!"
"Be sure to tell your boyfriend exactly how it makes you feel. I know some people genuinely have zero boundaries but that doesn't mean they get to ignore other people's." ~ Stevebartekstan
"NTA. You will never be the a-hole for telling someone not to touch you especially without permission. Curiosity is no reason to forget manners they should've asked before hand." ~ Aware-Progress-9743
"One of my rules in life, don't touch people without their permission. I don't like people's grubby little mitts on me and I assume it's the same of other people. That's been one of my rules for as long as I can remember."
"Your boyfriend's friend is old enough to know, no matter how nice someone's hair looks, you don't touch someone with your grubby little hands without their permission. Especially something as intimate as hair." ~ I-is-a-crazy-person
"NTA. Just because your boyfriend doesn't mind people touching his hair, doesn't mean you shouldn't."
"And had Madison seen you & Colt kiss, would she have thought that was OK for her to do too?" ~ Intelligent_Arm_9241
"It's never OK to touch someone without their consent."
"It's never OK to touch someone without their consent."
"Your boyfriend really needs to grow some self confidence and tell people not to touch his hair without asking first."
"NTA. And did I mention that it's never OK to touch someone without their consent?" ~ On_my_last_spoon
"As soon as you mentioned that you're Black, I stopped reading. No way you're in the wrong here. You probably wouldn't even be the a**hole if you were White, but there's really no excuse in 2025 for people to not know that you don't touch a Black person's hair without consent, period." ~ iolarah
"NTA. I will say, as a White woman…there is a vast cultural difference here. I was raised in a predominantly White area, and it was almost a show of affection. White people were touchy."
"As a kid, I hated it. Someone's mom or aunt was always touching your hair or shoulder or rubbing your back to get your attention, creepy uncle's definitely took advantage of the fact that white people are touchy."
"It's not an excuse, and at 30…I now fully understand consent is MANDATORY, and I also understand the amount of care and attention that goes into the treatment of different hair types and I'd never…but I can tell you as an ignorant teenage girl, I was dumb at times too, and curiously touched braids or locs…or did so affectionately during conversation because it seemed like it was normal."
"It's NOT normal to touch people without their consent even if you feel like you're connecting with them…body language and relationship is everything and while she was probably coming from a place of harmless curiosity, it's also a place of ignorance and you're allowed to state your boundaries."
"Sure, she's embarrassed…but she won't do it again. And she won't do it to the next person with textured hair she encounters."
"You're not obligated to tolerate discomfort to appease the childlike curiosity of others. I only wish people had taught everyone about consent and bodily autonomy earlier."
"Even with people I know well now, if I'm that curious, I'll explain what I'm curious about and ask permission…and a no, is a no."
"If you feel bad, you can apologize for snapping, but explain to her why it's inappropriate and educate her on how to approach that in the future; but you're not obligated to teach her, and she's not entitled to an apology when she should realistically apologize to you for invading your space."
"I'm still embarrassed it's taken so many so long to learn not to touch people without asking. Ick." ~ AvocadoSalt
"NTA. Remind Colt that Black men and women have been repeatedly discriminated against and made out to be a public spectacle for their completely natural hair."
"It's also completely insane to randomly starting touching up in someone's hair when you have no clue who the hell they are."
"Black people are not walking around for your entertainment, people, GADDAMN." ~ hollowl0g1c
Keep your hands to yourself, folks.
If a person isn't in imminent danger, no one should be touching them without consent.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.