There are a few things that are guaranteed to hurt a relationship: disagreements about physical intimacy, whether or not to have children, and financial management.
But at least if these disagreements are going to come up, it's best for them to be revealed early to save everyone the time and heartache, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Environmental-Law670 had been on a few dates with a woman who they thought they liked, but in between dates, she claimed to have fallen on "tough times."
When she expected him to send her money to help her out, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure whether they were a match anymore.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for not wanting to talk to this girl anymore?"
The OP had recently started dating a woman they liked.
"I went on two dates with this girl I liked (or used to like)."
"On the first date, she demanded I bring her a gift. I thought that was strange, but I like buying flowers for girls, so I got her some. She really liked it."
"We went to dinner and went out for drinks. I paid for all of it, but I didn't mind, because I planned it. The date was going so well, we went to the movies after (and I paid for that too)."
The pair quickly fell into the habit of the OP paying for everything.
"The second date was very spontaneous. We went to a Mexican restaurant, and we had a great time."
"Although, we were talking about love languages, and she said hers is receiving gifts. Nothing wrong with liking to receive gifts, but that set another alarm in my head."
"After that date, we said we would go on a third one."
When she reached out and demanded money, that was the final straw for the OP.
"Yesterday I was texting her, and she said she's experiencing tough times and said, 'I would really appreciate your support; here's my Cash App. Thank you again for helping me out.'"
"In my head, I was like, 'What the f**k? We've been on two dates, and you're already asking for money?!'"
"I feel like that's a huge red flag and that she only wants my money."
"Is this just how dating goes now, or am I overreacting?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some slipped in a joke about the OP's free trial being over.
"NOR. Looks like you've reached the end of the 'free' trial." - tankman77777
"You can return the relationship, and I would, but I have to warn you, there's no warranty." - Man_wo_a_career
"'My love language is receiving gifts' is hilarious. What a coincidence- my love language is somebody paying all of my bills. I'm feeling very UNLOVED over here! Where's the love?!" - honestypen
Others were glad that the OP learned their date's true personality before spending more time dating.
"Well, congratulations. She presented the real version of herself after two dates, and you can now save your wallet and your mental well-being."
"Who sends their Cash App, gifts as a love language is fine, but her Cash App, that's like in the movie better off read where she whips out the adding machine to calculate what 50% of the date was worth so HE could pay her." - RaptorOO7
"Wanting gifts is just code for 'I'm poor and will use you for money.' Tough world out there, many of my girlfriends only want a man who will pay for everything, even if they have money if their own. Good luck." - Imaginary-Ninja-1588
"You guys do what works for you, but … how is receiving presents a 'language' at all? Language implies active, outbound effort to connect. Receiving is a form of listening, therefore passive behavior, no?"
"If I told my wife my love language is having her wait on me while I watch football, it wouldn't go over well. How would she know I love her, or regard her as anything more than a beer bottle opener?" - AnotherPint
"She's definitely using you. You're not overreacting." - Economy-Natural-3453
"NOR, as a woman, I'm telling you to RUN… unless you have an endless supply of money and you're so desperate, you don't care if you're being used." - Mildly_Alive_Fox
"Definitely not overreacting. After only two dates, I cannot imagine ever asking someone for money, even in the BIGGEST emergency ever. RUN." - tamerriam
"Sometimes people in relationships feel uncared for and unappreciated despite their partners putting in a lot of effort."
"The love language thing suggests that this is because the partner is not 'speaking the other person's love language,' for example, a boyfriend could wake up earlier every day so that his girlfriend would wake up to a fresh cup of coffee, but he rarely/never says, 'I love you.'"
"The proposed solution is to learn each other's love language so that you could express your love in a way that is appreciated. Of course, none of this is related to the post itself, OP has just found himself a leech." - Rezenbekk
"Massive red flag. You're not the only guy she's talking to or going on dates with. Cut it off now, she's trying to turn you into one of her simps." - Lost-Mongoose-8962
"NOR. It might be how some people treat dating now, but the rest of us don't have to go along with it!! She doesn't want a boyfriend. She wants a sugar daddy." - m_arabsky
"NOR. She sounds like a gold digger, not someone to date." - KellieBom
"NOR. That's kinda odd of her tbh. There's nothing wrong with gifts being someone's love language, but demanding it and then sending your Cash App when you haven't paid for anything so far is insane." - CaffeineCartoon
"I feel like a true 'receiving gifts love language' is a mix of giving and receiving gifts AND loving any gifts. Like, picking wildflowers or a handmade gift or just a thoughtful gesture is a kind of gift and to just be truly appreciative. Not constantly spending money."
"So I feel like NOR because she sounds like she's expecting money to be spent on her during every interaction, which is ridiculous." - Illustrious_Bird_737
"No. NOR."
"Tell her that you appreciate that you had the opportunity to get to know her better, but that your values don't really align. Wish her well."
"And move on."
"As someone who had to kiss a lot of frogs before I met my partner of 19 years: Princess Charming is looking for you just as much as you're looking for her. She's out there, and she's worth it." - Candid-Mycologist539
"'Love languages' are garbage. People use this like they were diagnosed by a doctor or something."
"And I'm very sorry, OP, but those weren't dates. You were on very pleasant sugar daddy appointments; she just didn't tell you. I mean, she kinda hinted but…" - TodayIAmMostlyEating
"Usually, when gifts are your love language, that is also how you show your love. Gifts are one of mine, and I give way more than I receive, and I love doing it."
"It's kind of reminding me of how men will say theirs is physical touch, so they hope they can get you to sleep with them sooner. It's giving that vibe." - Extension-While4732
"NOR, and I'm willing to bet if you told her no, she would suddenly drop off the face of the Earth to you or blow up at you. There are more women out there; this one seems questionable right off the bat. Good luck." - ksnyer
"Nope, NOR, she's treating it as transactional. I'm willing to bet that the minute you aren't able or unwilling to give her what she wants, she's out."
"If you need closure, test the theory. Tell her you can't afford to send her any money or even that you'd feel it was insulting to both of you, that either of you should give money to the other and (very firmly) that isn't something you'd even consider. See what happens next..." - Severe-Log-0675
"From a woman's perspective, even if you're overreacting, that's okay, because later, you'll regret it. Real/genuine girls never ask or demand gifts, and that two on the first date. And who even asks for gifts? If you're asking for it, I don't think that's called a gift anymore. Safer and better for you to react now than suffer later." - RespectMiserable6468
"NOR. Only gift people things that show they're genuinely interested in you and are a decent person. Thing is, OP is clearly not very experienced in dating, so she took advantage of him. You can't expect everyone to understand, but OP is learning a valuable lesson right here."
"Could've been worse. Some guys fund a woman's life for years, and she consistently disrespects him and shows barely any appreciation." - Least_Stand_2707
The subReddit was left side-eyeing the woman that the OP had been dating, not only for letting the OP pay for absolutely everything without a single offer to even cover the tip, but to reach out in between a second and third date, demanding money.
We've all fallen on hard times at some point, and we might even have asked for help. But we would have reached out to loved ones who we'd trust with that information, and people who would trust us to pay them back. Someone we've met twice is far from sharing that history.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.