Trigger warning: NSFW for mentions of sexuality.
We make a lot of choices every day that project who we are out into the world.
The clothes we choose to wear is one of the most fundamental of these choices.
We can tell a lot to the outside world by our wardrobe and often others judge us for those choices.
So, what happens when someone's choice in wardrobe makes you uncomfortable?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) DomingusCulingus when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my sister that her boyfriend's thong is showing through his pants? She doesn't seem to care, but it's making me uncomfortable and ruining our family gatherings."
OP got right to the story at hand.
"I recently attended a family gathering with my sister and her boyfriend."
"The whole time, I couldn't help but notice that his thong was peeking out from the back of his pants."
"It was so distracting and made me feel uncomfortable."
There was a little bit of background on the boyfrirend.
"He's very sexually open, it's just the way he was raised, but still..."
"I decided to bring it up to my sister in private, thinking she would want to know and maybe do something about it."
"But instead, she brushed it off and said she didn't care what he wore."
"I tried to explain to her that it was unprofessional and disrespectful to the rest of the family, but she just laughed it off and told me to mind my own business."
"Now, I'm feeling frustrated and confused."
"Was I wrong for bringing it up to my sister or was she being unreasonable for not caring about her boyfriend's attire?"
"Her argument is that it makes him feel confident and that this is just shaming him into feeling uncomfortable."
OP was left to wonder,
"Am I the A**hole in this situation?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Many wanted more details.
"INFO:"
"Okay how much are we talking about?"
"Do he have a full on early '00s low rise jeans whale tail going on?"
"Or is it like, you caught a peak of a string when he lifts up his arms?"
"I'm not sure how merely /wearing/ a thong under his pants relates to being 'sexually open.'"
"Next time you could just laugh it off like 'psst hitch up your pants' in an extremely friendly, nonjudgmental way, if it bothers you so much."
"edited for homophones" ~ hammocks_
"Yeah I think context is important here."
"If it's not intentional or barely sticking out, probably not worth saying anything. discreetly, nonjudgmentally saying something I think would be ok if it's that noticeable" ~ leoliontheking
Others were just unimpressed by OP.
"'attended a family gathering'"
'"I tried to explain it was unprofessional'"
"….. unprofessional?? At a family gathering??"
"You must be such a joy to be around"
"YTA 😂 you could have averted your eyes if you had an issue with his underwear" ~ hrhprincesspeach
"I'm wondering if OP's family gatherings are all business casual attire?"
"Because I would rather marry into a family that runs 5ks on Thanksgiving than marry into this dumpster fire of the wannabe fashion police" ~ KenDaGod4238
"YTA, let him be him. Also 'unprofessional'... This wasn't a professional event, it was a social gathering." ~ AnonymousWritings
'"Unprofessional' says
"If it's unprofessional to wear what he wants in a social setting, I assume your chosen name on Reddit is equally as bad."
"YTA" ~ MrJ_Sar
Commenters suggested that there were deeper concerns.
"But what if it's a nice ass and OP can't control themselves? (which seems to be the case lol)"
"It's like saying, This person keeps wearing shirts so low cut I can see their bra!! (then stop staring lol)" ~ OffKira
"look stare"
"Stared at his ass all night, was so frustrated and confused about it, it was distracting OP the whole time… maybe the bf's thong isn't the actual issue here…" ~North-Discipline2851
"And also wearing thong underwear is a sign of being 'sexually open,' apparently."
"OP is weird for sexualizing the whole thing and focusing way too hard on someone else's undergarments." ~ MrsCoach
"'His thong was peeking out'"
"Ah quite possibly not how you're picturing it?"
"I'd bet good money that it was literally that, just peeking, and OP took offence not just at the sight of the garment, but at the type of the garment."
"They saw that it wasn't a typical male undergarment and decided to throw a tantrum because the sister had to tell them 'she didn't care what he wore'".
"I do agree, you shouldn't put your bare ass on someone else's furniture without their consent but, no need to throw hissyfit over a covered ass with underwear peeking." ~ throwawaythecabbages
Some assigned the problem to who it actually belonged to.
"YTA."
"Your inability to stare anywhere other than at the crack of his A is a YOU problem."
"And if your problem is that serious now, wait until you have to hire a plumber. (Spoiler alert: most of them I'd seen don't wear things.)"
"And he doesn't have to look "professional" for a family event unless he's working at it. You were really grasping at straws trying to make YOUR issue into HIS issue weren't you?"
"YTA."
"If you want to control a man, go find one who will allow it." ~ myhairs0nfire2
For some, this could go either way.
"Am I going crazy here???!!!"
"If a girls thong is showing out of her pants, trust me she wants to know and wants to fix her pants…Why is a guy any different??!"
"Unless it's like a see-through material meant to be seen and it's a look."
"I don't think her post is commentary on him being a guy and wearing a thong I think it's literally that it was showing at a family party."
"And no it's not the same as a bra strap whoever said that."
"If you were just trying to help bc a thong was showing at a family party then NTA but if it's more judgmental cause it was a guy and is therefore somehow more offensive then YTA." ~ stoney2723
There were even some who thought OP was in the clear.
"Same."
"It's inappropriate to have your thong showing at a family gathering regardless of gender."
"She discussed it in private instead of making a big deal about it."
"She dealt with it appropriately. I wouldn't want my husband's boxers showing in front of my mom, I wouldn't want my husband's mom to see my underwear. NTA." ~ Snowconetypebanana
"Listen if my thong or any of my friends thongs are even peeking out everyone I know is gunna do the pull aside and speak up."
"I am guessing she mentions this because she wasn't sure if it was maybe intentional or since it was a guy she wasn't sure how to approach it and was 'confused' possibly on what the appropriate action is."
"I'd probs be uncomfortable too if someone's showing a whale tale while talking to my nana about Medicare options."
"I do agree her wording is extremely odd and I think it does come off as her passing some judgement."
"I took the AITA question to be if she did the right thing by pulling aside the sister which I think is, and she wanders into AH territory with her judgments and opinions on his 'sexual freedom' and pushing that since she is uncomfortable, then it must be fixed." ~ stoney2723
Though, people weren't buying this logic.
"Except she discussed it with the /wrong/ person."
"If OP was trying to be nice by being like *whispers to the person* Your underwear is showing. Then I could see that being 100% okay, I'd want someone to tell me the same."
"But OP brought it to the sister instead, making it a 'control your boyfriend's wardrobe/behavior' issue and not an issue of concern that boyfriend might be embarrassed and doesn't realize his undies are out." ~ Raspbers
"OP wasn't trying to help - they said the thing was 'peeking' out but distracting enough that they stared 'the whole time'".
"Op went on to say it was unprofessional and ruining family gatherings. But nobody else was bothered and nothing was ruined."
"This wasn't a 'hey, you're having a wardrobe malfunction FYI" bc that wouldn't ruin anything or make someone 'frustrated and confused"'.
"There was definite judgment."
"Otherwise, why include the bit about him being "sexually open" because of how he was raised?" ~
Prestigious_Fruit267
Others were just confused.
"I'm sitting here reading the top comments and wondering why the fuck so many people on here apparently find it so important to show their underwear at family gatherings?"
"It doesn't matter if it's a thong or not, it doesn't matter if it's a guy or a girl, it doesn't matter if it's 2022 or the 1950s."
"Pull up your godd*mn pants when you're sitting with family or anywhere, really." ~ Sheyae
Our clothes are a deeply personal part of our identity.
Clothing can be a way to hide what we don't like, or express the part of ourselves that we're proudest of.
Remember to treat this choice with all the care you'd treat any deeply personal part of the people you care for.
Be kind.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.