Finances in a relationship are easy to navigate if there is mutual respect and communication.
Before spending any shared money you should have a conversation with your partner and make sure you are both comfortable with the situation.
Redditor Throw__Gift3435 encountered this very issue with their spouse. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
They asked:
“AITA for refusing to return the $600 dollar gift I bought for mom for Christmas?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“To start I want to mention that unlike my wife I have a very good relationship with mom.”
“And because my siblings can always afford pricy gifts for mom this year I decided to gift her something nice and expensive for once on Christmas though I’m currently unemployed but I work for the past few months and my wife and I have a joint account.”
“The problem began when my wife found out I purchased a $600 dollar necklace for my mom to gift her on Christmas using our joint account- she went off on me saying I should’ve told her and shouldn’t have taken money from our joint account that she uses to pay the bills and rent especially now that were struggling.”
“I asked why should I tell her since it’s for us both but she reminded me that despite that being true 1. I no longer work and 2. 600 is a lot and I should’ve consulted her but the reasons I didn’t are 1. I feel that it’s my money too and I can make purchases using our joint account and 2. I know if I told my wife she’d refuse to let my buy the gift solely because she hates my mom.”
OP’s wife was really upset.
“She yelled at me saying that is her hard earned money I threw away and needed to return the necklace but I refused because mom already knows about it.”
“She responded that this is no longer our joint account since I no longer earn money and that if I want to gift mom expensive items then needed to earn money.”
“She insisted I return it but I said no and it escalated to me calling her bitter and control after she pointed out I never got her anything in this price range.”
“She’s insisting I return it and at least get a cheaper one but I’m done being the one with the least expensive/valuable gifts to gift in the family.”
“She is making this her hill to die on. AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was the a**hole.
“YTA. Money shared is exactly that, SHARED. You’re in a partnership, you can’t just spend the shared money willy nilly. And she has every right to be upset if you’re using the money you both share to buy extravagant gifts for other people without talking it through first. My rule of thumb is always: if it’s more than $100, discuss it. Shared finances is not a “ask for forgiveness not permission” situation.” ~ SeraphXChild
“This exactly. I never spend more than $100 without consulting my wife. Because of tight bills, I lowered my threshold to $20 unless it is a known necessity (food, gas, oil change).”
“You’re unemployed and blew what I take home in a week? Oh yeah. YTA. Oh, and told Mom before Christmas so you couldn’t return it? Double AH. Doing it intentionally behind your wife’s back because you didn’t even need to talk to her to know it was wrong? You planning on moving in with your mother? Probably should, you need a new place to sleep.” ~ Willofthesouth
“This guy is looking to be both unemployed AND divorced. Total AH.” ~ IPetdogs4U
People were saying OP’s actions makes them a triple a**hole.
“I See your Triple AH and Raise you to Quadruple AH, this is classic DARVO behavior: ‘Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.’”
- “Buy necklace without consulting wife.”
- “Tell mom about it before wife so that if wife had a problem with it – wife could be bad guy in Mom’s eyes, not him.”
- “Change argument to not being about him spending money without consulting wife, to being about his wife not liking his mom.”
- “Make he and his mom the victim to his wife.” ~ kissiemoose
“Don’t forget it’s also because she’s ‘controlling.'”
“Also his motivation. It’s not that he loves his mom so much and really wants to do something nice for her, it’s that he wants to keep up with the siblings, who can actually afford expensive presents. It’s incredibly shallow. He just wants to look good and that means more than his wife and his finances.” ~ user_name_taken-
“And don’t forget this line:”
“‘This year I decided to gift her something nice and expensive for once on Christmas'”
“Meaning that he never even thought about getting his mother a nice present from money that he earned. Only now that his wife is the sole earner does he care about getting ‘something nice.'”
“YTA x6” ~ Acceptable-Term
“OP is a giant AH… even if you have a joint account, you should always talk to your partner about a big purchase. If I bought my mom a 600 dollar necklace, my mom would not accept it.”
“That’s a very big purchase, and she would remind me what’s important in life, time together, caring for one another etc. The thing that makes this so awful in my eyes,is he told his mom beforehand.”
“That’s just awful and a giant AH move. OP did all of this so he could complete with his siblings.. so sad. If I was his wife i’d pack his bags and send him home to mommy. The necklace would be taken back, I would Also open up another bank account , and not add spouse, since he can’t be trusted.” ~ Ravenonthewall
“Quadruple AH. He didn’t buy the necklace out of love for his mother either. By his own admission, “I’m done being the one with the least expensive/valubale gifts to gift in the family,” he did it to show up his siblings and prove he could spend tons of money, too. That makes his gift completely selfish and all about himself and his own insecurities.” ~ rhian116
That was incredibly inconsiderate.