Redditor Complex-Variety-2442 is a woman whose brother-in-law recently got engaged.
While the upcoming wedding was something to look forward to, she was disappointed to learn the groom's OCD bride made a decision the Redditor found to be objectionable.
After many attempts were made to find solutions to the bride's concerns about her wedding, the Redditor visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for declining to do bridesmaid jobs after I wasn't chosen to be a bridesmaid?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My brother in law has lived with us for going on three years now. I consider him to be a really close friend. He has been dating someone for maybe 6 months now. They recently got engaged."
"I was just informed that I will not be in the wedding and neither will the groom's sister."
"The reasons given were that the bride is too OCD to handle uneven numbers and they don't have enough groomsmen to include us."
"I offered the suggestion of groomswomen because she was crying and saying she couldn't think of a way to include us and it was immediately shot down because she is 'too traditional' for that and she also doesn't want a large bridal party."
"I was told that I will likely wear the same color as the bridesmaid and may have a little job such as watching the guest book and will do everything a bridesmaid does on the day of EXCEPT FOR BE A BRIDESMAID."
"I'm upset for many reasons: -My brother in law was present for this conversation and didn't say a word. He rubbed her back in support as she cried because she was uncomfortable telling me."
"-My husband now walks down the aisle with someone else. He is NOT happy."
"-We were replaced by her two friends in the bridal party."
"-When telling me she said I almost made the cut because she thought a sister was going to say no, but then she didn't."
"-I feel as though I offered perfectly good suggestions to make it work and they were shot down because she is 'too traditional'."
"-So much more. Conversations for another day."
"AITA for saying I don't want any bridesmaid jobs since I'm not a bridesmaid? What about if she changes her mind and I decline to be a bridesmaid because I already know how she really feels?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not being the a**hole here.
"NTA"
"If she wants you to do bridesmaid things, then she needs to make you a bridesmaid."
"If she doesn't want you to be a bridesmaid, then she needs to ask an actual bridesmaid to do bridesmaid things."
"I'd refuse all of it - the matching dress, the tasks, etc. Go to the wedding as a guest, and relax and have fun."
"You had a conversation about you being a bridesmaid. The answer was 'no.' Believe her, and don't be a bridesmaid, don't do bridesmaid things, and if she changes her mind, decline. There is no reason to fall into the trap of them playing mind-games with you and taking advantage of you." – Jazzlike_Humor3340
"NTA. And the nerve of her to ask you to do jobs at her wedding, honestly…Just tell her 'no, I'd rather just be a guest, thanks.'"
"Go to the wedding, eat, drink, dance and enjoy, and don't feel any obligation towards her at all. Oh and wear whatever you want." – yourlittlebirdie
"This and honestly i think it is very likely that she is gonna drive you crazy if you are involved in the wedding. And probably she will snap at you and blame you for things, that you don't do anything correct etc. If I were you I would just say I come as a guest and I don't have any task as a guest and that's it. NTA" – Ok_Possibility5715
"Absolutely this. I was the 'non-bridesmaid bridesmaid' at a family wedding once. My aunt could only afford two bridesmaids and bc she didn't have female friends she asked my older sister and the oldest daughter of another family so it would be 'even' and she wasn't just choosing the two oldest nieces."
"I felt disappointed at not being asked, but the kicker is that I spent the day of the wedding running around with the guest book handing to every person and waiting for them to write a message (bc that's how my grandmother wanted it done) and missed a large portion of the reception + cake cutting while my bridesmaid sister sat at a fancy table for hours."
"Oh, and my whole family provided the music for the service, too. So I sang and then ran around doing this."
"Never, ever, agree to do jobs if you're not in the bridal party." – Korike0017
"NTA You're not a bridesmaid. You're free to wear whatever you want and I don't think the guest book needs a babysitter. I understand your upset,l but it's just one more bride and groom that think their wedding is the center of everyone's universe." – penguin_squeak
"NTA. Full stop. Politely and calmly simply say that she should have her bridesmaids perform those duties. That's how weddings work. This isn't subjective, it's fact."
"And, you'll wear a suitable dress but won't be buying something special to match the color scheme. Again, that's for the wedding party, not guests." – Wodan11
"NTA & youre doing the right thing tbh."
"I was told I wasnt 'official' chief bridesmaid because it would hurt her childhood friends feelings, but could I fill in some of the gaps? I ended up rushed off my feet, just to be left out of speeches, photos, introductions etc. Anybody wanting anything was sent my way, from escorting granny to the loo to asking the chef what the ingredients are."
"When I spotted them taking away my untouched meal and the other girl was sat at head table with her shoes off & feet up drinking, I knew Id be salty about it for a long time, and I was right." – badnewsfaery
The OP clarified some points with a detailed update.
"I don't think I'm really angry, I'm mostly bringing this up on here to help try to figure out how I feel because I'm an external processor. I don't want to bring it up to them because I know planning a wedding is difficult."
"My husband and I got married two years ago and the planning was a nightmare! I don't want to add to that."
"And I definitely don't think I'm acting crazy about my husband escorting someone else down the aisle. I'm fine with it, just a little disappointed it's not me."
"I felt that disappointment was worth mentioning. He was the first to bring it up and he's the one that's REALLY not happy about it."
"If he had a friend who I don't know well and I wasn't in the wedding I wouldn't care at all! We have just been excited for his brother's wedding for a long time because we thought we would get to be in a bridal party together."
"There is a lot more to this story that is difficult to explain. A large portion of our family feels uneasy about this marriage. She is incredibly controlling. He speaks up about nothing."
"He is no longer allowed to use curse words, watch shows that contain anything she's uncomfortable with, he no longer listens to music he used to enjoy, is only allowed to drink upon her approval etc."
"The MOTG has stated she has been made to feel her part in this wedding is to 'Keep her mouth shut and wear blue'. I don't want to be a bridesmaid anymore and I acknowledge the bullet I'm probably dodging from a very stressful wedding day."
"Edit #2- Getting a lot of people that think I was acting entitled to be a bridesmaid, asked her to be a bridesmaid, or guilted her in some way that got her to cry or say that I could have small jobs. This is NOT the case."
"This conversation was unprompted. I never shared with them I was hoping to be one. She told me out of the blue and told me she still wants me to wear the same color and do jobs the day of before I even got to respond."
"She was also crying as she started to speak- before I even knew what she was going to say so I didn't make her cry."
"No they're not going to live with us. He's moving in with her after the wedding."
"Yes, some friends and family have shared and plan to their concerns about the relationship. We recognize that there is some abusive behavior and there are plans to address it. It's just very delicate."
Overall, Redditors agreed the OP should not take on bridesmaid duties as a non-bridesmaid.
Concerned Redditors also thought the groom could possibly be in an emotionally manipulative relationship based on the OP's description of the bride being "incredibly controlling."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.