in ,

Woman Told She Can’t Be In Brother-In-Law’s Wedding Since Bride Can’t ‘Handle Uneven Numbers’

Karen Ilagan/GettyImages

Redditor Complex-Variety-2442 is a woman whose brother-in-law recently got engaged.

While the upcoming wedding was something to look forward to, she was disappointed to learn the groom’s OCD bride made a decision the Redditor found to be objectionable.

After many attempts were made to find solutions to the bride’s concerns about her wedding, the Redditor visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:

“AITA for declining to do bridesmaid jobs after I wasn’t chosen to be a bridesmaid?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My brother in law has lived with us for going on three years now. I consider him to be a really close friend. He has been dating someone for maybe 6 months now. They recently got engaged.”

“I was just informed that I will not be in the wedding and neither will the groom’s sister.”

“The reasons given were that the bride is too OCD to handle uneven numbers and they don’t have enough groomsmen to include us.”

“I offered the suggestion of groomswomen because she was crying and saying she couldn’t think of a way to include us and it was immediately shot down because she is ‘too traditional’ for that and she also doesn’t want a large bridal party.”

“I was told that I will likely wear the same color as the bridesmaid and may have a little job such as watching the guest book and will do everything a bridesmaid does on the day of EXCEPT FOR BE A BRIDESMAID.”

“I’m upset for many reasons: -My brother in law was present for this conversation and didn’t say a word. He rubbed her back in support as she cried because she was uncomfortable telling me.”

“-My husband now walks down the aisle with someone else. He is NOT happy.”

“-We were replaced by her two friends in the bridal party.”

“-When telling me she said I almost made the cut because she thought a sister was going to say no, but then she didn’t.”

“-I feel as though I offered perfectly good suggestions to make it work and they were shot down because she is ‘too traditional’.”

“-So much more. Conversations for another day.”

“AITA for saying I don’t want any bridesmaid jobs since I’m not a bridesmaid? What about if she changes her mind and I decline to be a bridesmaid because I already know how she really feels?”

Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:

  • NTA – Not the A**hole
  • YTA – You’re the A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everybody Sucks Here

Many Redditors sided with the OP as not being the a**hole here.


“If she wants you to do bridesmaid things, then she needs to make you a bridesmaid.”

“If she doesn’t want you to be a bridesmaid, then she needs to ask an actual bridesmaid to do bridesmaid things.”

“I’d refuse all of it – the matching dress, the tasks, etc. Go to the wedding as a guest, and relax and have fun.”

“You had a conversation about you being a bridesmaid. The answer was ‘no.’ Believe her, and don’t be a bridesmaid, don’t do bridesmaid things, and if she changes her mind, decline. There is no reason to fall into the trap of them playing mind-games with you and taking advantage of you.” – Jazzlike_Humor3340

“NTA. And the nerve of her to ask you to do jobs at her wedding, honestly…Just tell her ‘no, I’d rather just be a guest, thanks.’”

“Go to the wedding, eat, drink, dance and enjoy, and don’t feel any obligation towards her at all. Oh and wear whatever you want.” – yourlittlebirdie

“This and honestly i think it is very likely that she is gonna drive you crazy if you are involved in the wedding. And probably she will snap at you and blame you for things, that you don’t do anything correct etc. If I were you I would just say I come as a guest and I don’t have any task as a guest and that’s it. NTA” – Ok_Possibility5715

“Absolutely this. I was the ‘non-bridesmaid bridesmaid’ at a family wedding once. My aunt could only afford two bridesmaids and bc she didn’t have female friends she asked my older sister and the oldest daughter of another family so it would be ‘even’ and she wasn’t just choosing the two oldest nieces.”

“I felt disappointed at not being asked, but the kicker is that I spent the day of the wedding running around with the guest book handing to every person and waiting for them to write a message (bc that’s how my grandmother wanted it done) and missed a large portion of the reception + cake cutting while my bridesmaid sister sat at a fancy table for hours.”

“Oh, and my whole family provided the music for the service, too. So I sang and then ran around doing this.”

“Never, ever, agree to do jobs if you’re not in the bridal party.” – Korike0017

“NTA You’re not a bridesmaid. You’re free to wear whatever you want and I don’t think the guest book needs a babysitter. I understand your upset,l but it’s just one more bride and groom that think their wedding is the center of everyone’s universe.” – penguin_squeak

“NTA. Full stop. Politely and calmly simply say that she should have her bridesmaids perform those duties. That’s how weddings work. This isn’t subjective, it’s fact.”

“And, you’ll wear a suitable dress but won’t be buying something special to match the color scheme. Again, that’s for the wedding party, not guests.” – Wodan11

“NTA & youre doing the right thing tbh.”

“I was told I wasnt ‘official’ chief bridesmaid because it would hurt her childhood friends feelings, but could I fill in some of the gaps? I ended up rushed off my feet, just to be left out of speeches, photos, introductions etc. Anybody wanting anything was sent my way, from escorting granny to the loo to asking the chef what the ingredients are.”

“When I spotted them taking away my untouched meal and the other girl was sat at head table with her shoes off & feet up drinking, I knew Id be salty about it for a long time, and I was right.” – badnewsfaery

The OP clarified some points with a detailed update.

“I don’t think I’m really angry, I’m mostly bringing this up on here to help try to figure out how I feel because I’m an external processor. I don’t want to bring it up to them because I know planning a wedding is difficult.”

“My husband and I got married two years ago and the planning was a nightmare! I don’t want to add to that.”

“And I definitely don’t think I’m acting crazy about my husband escorting someone else down the aisle. I’m fine with it, just a little disappointed it’s not me.”

“I felt that disappointment was worth mentioning. He was the first to bring it up and he’s the one that’s REALLY not happy about it.”

“If he had a friend who I don’t know well and I wasn’t in the wedding I wouldn’t care at all! We have just been excited for his brother’s wedding for a long time because we thought we would get to be in a bridal party together.”

“There is a lot more to this story that is difficult to explain. A large portion of our family feels uneasy about this marriage. She is incredibly controlling. He speaks up about nothing.”

“He is no longer allowed to use curse words, watch shows that contain anything she’s uncomfortable with, he no longer listens to music he used to enjoy, is only allowed to drink upon her approval etc.”

“The MOTG has stated she has been made to feel her part in this wedding is to ‘Keep her mouth shut and wear blue’. I don’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore and I acknowledge the bullet I’m probably dodging from a very stressful wedding day.”

“Edit #2- Getting a lot of people that think I was acting entitled to be a bridesmaid, asked her to be a bridesmaid, or guilted her in some way that got her to cry or say that I could have small jobs. This is NOT the case.”

“This conversation was unprompted. I never shared with them I was hoping to be one. She told me out of the blue and told me she still wants me to wear the same color and do jobs the day of before I even got to respond.”

“She was also crying as she started to speak- before I even knew what she was going to say so I didn’t make her cry.”

“No they’re not going to live with us. He’s moving in with her after the wedding.”

“Yes, some friends and family have shared and plan to their concerns about the relationship. We recognize that there is some abusive behavior and there are plans to address it. It’s just very delicate.”

Overall, Redditors agreed the OP should not take on bridesmaid duties as a non-bridesmaid.

Concerned Redditors also thought the groom could possibly be in an emotionally manipulative relationship based on the OP’s description of the bride being “incredibly controlling.”

Written by Koh Mochizuki

Koh Mochizuki is a Los Angeles based actor whose work has been spotted anywhere from Broadway stages to Saturday Night Live.
He received his B.A. in English literature and is fluent in Japanese.
In addition to being a neophyte photographer, he is a huge Disney aficionado and is determined to conquer all Disney parks in the world to publish a photographic chronicle one day. Mickey goals.
Instagram: kohster Twitter: @kohster1 Flickr: nyckmo