Nearly all wedding dresses accrue some sort of sentimental value. That value increases when it's a family heirloom.
Redditor weddingdressintheatt wore her mother's wedding dress and always intended to keep the gown for her sister's wedding.
When the time came for her sister to get married, the dress was nowhere to be found.
The Original Poster (OP) had left the dress with a friend for safekeeping during a renovation, but her friend claimed it was gone.
After a successful search, the OP's friend got mad that she went through her closet.
This drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for going through my friend's closet to find my wedding dress?"
She went on to explain.
"2 years ago, my husband and I were doing some renovations to our house. I didn't want my wedding dress to get damaged or lost in the process."
"Which, considering we did lose a few things during the renovation, I was right to be concerned. My friend offered to keep it in her closet until the renovations were done."
"After we finished the renovations, I asked my friend for the dress back. She kept saying she'd get back to me. I kept asking, and she'd make up excuses. I found it weird."
"Now, my sister is getting married, and she wanted to wear the dress. This was our mother's dress, and we always agreed we'd each wear it."
"I told my friend I need it back. She claimed she couldn't find it. I was perplexed because how does it just get up and walk away?"
"She apologized and offered to pay me the cost of the dress, which I turned down because it wasn't about money. The dress was sentimental, and I felt terrible my sister couldn't wear it."
"My friend and her husband went away. I was there to water their plants and feed their dogs. I decided to go look myself."
"The closet was very cluttered. I eventually found the dress. I can totally believe that she missed where it was, and she wasn't being malicious in the slightest."
"The box was tucked behind a few larger ones containing seasonal clothes."
"I texted her saying, 'I found the dress'. Instead of being happy for me, she asked why I rummaged through her closet? I said I just wanted to double-check."
"She told me I had no right to go through her things. I said that because of her clutter, my sister almost didn't get to wear a dress she always dreamed of."
"My friend told me that I could've asked her to look again, but I pointed out it took two years for her to even look in the first place."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"'I can totally believe that she missed where it was, and she wasn't being malicious in the slightest. The box was tucked behind a few larger ones containing seasonal clothes.'"
"'I texted her saying "I found the dress". Instead of being happy for me, she asked why I rummaged through her closet?'"
"Lol so interesting that she knew EXACTLY where you rummaged to find this 'lost' dress."
"OP, I mean this in the nicest way, but you're being naive."
"She was trying to keep your dress."
"Simple as that."
"If all you had to do was go through that closet in her house, it wasn't 'lost' or 'misplaced.' It was exactly where she put it, and she KNEW that."
"NTA but this person isn't your friend."
"'Which, considering we did lose a few things during the renovation, I was right to be concerned."
"Was your 'friend' over during the renovations? You might need a second chance to 'rummage' at her home before the returns..." - no_rxn
"NTA"
"If I was in your friend's situation and I genuinely couldn't find the dress, then I would frankly have invited you to look around for it while you were in the house doing me a favor."
"But I also am the type of person who would just assume that someone I trust enough to water my plants and feed my dog is also someone I trust in my space."
"Snooping is a fairly natural instinct, and you had a specific reason for it."
"Even if she's legit about not liking that you went through her stuff, she went on the defensive immediately instead of being relieved that you managed to find the dress."
"That just seems suspicious to me."
"I would say meeting up with your friend to explain and hear what she has to say might be worthwhile, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is the end of the friendship either." - Chemical-Life-5113
"The only part I don't agree with is actually telling her that you found it. I wouldn't have mentioned it at all."
"If she had mentioned it later on - after seeing your sister's wedding photo, I would have simply said, 'yes, I did find the dress after all.'" - Brilliant-Arthur
"NTA You just sent 'I found the dress' not saying where you found it? If she didn't know where it was, why did she accuse you of going through her closet?"
"Seems to me she knew exactly where it was and, for whatever reason, didn't want to give it back. This woman is not your friend." - mmurphyk9
"'I told my friend I need it back. She claimed she couldn't find it.'"
"I texted her saying "I found the dress". Instead of being happy for me, she asked why I rummaged through her closet?'"
"These don't add up. If she 'couldn't find it' how'd she know it was in her closet?"
"You were never going to get it back. NTA, but this person is not your friend; she fully intended to keep it." - Queen_Sized_Beauty
"NTA I feel like your friend was being shady by offering money instead of finding a family heirloom."
"I think I never would've told her that I found the dress, and I would've let her find out by seeing your sister's wedding photos."
"Additionally, I totally would've let her plants die." - SociallyIneptRaccoon
"NTA, to people saying you shouldn't have snooped, she accepted to watching something that means a lot to you and obviously did not try to find it in the slightest when you kept asking her."
"Even offered to pay instead of actually looking? That sounds suspicious AF."
"You did nothing wrong, OP, she had YOUR property and refused to give it back. That is way worse then you looking through her things for it."
"She is TA." - Electric__Milk
"NTA. You had been asking about the dress for months, and they couldn't be bothered to find it for you, even though they knew it was important to you."
"It's also not like you tore apart their house: you took a peek in an area where you thought it might be, and you found it."
"I understand some people are protective of their clothes and other personal belongings, but if you're good friends (good enough to let them hold onto the dress)…"
"…it shouldn't be that much of a problem."
"They have the right to be upset, but you have far more of a right to be angry with them. You did the equivalent of cutting them off in traffic, imo."
"They did the equivalent of... well, holding onto something that was very valuable to you + your family and refusing to give it back to you." - TigerKirby215
"I have to applaud you. Think she was hiding the dress away and knew exactly where it was at. Have to go with whomever said better to not have told her at all."
"Once missing she would have figured out somebody took it. Hard to question you."
"My mama once hired a locksmith to open somebody's trunk that they claimed they couldn't open to give back some tool because of no key. You did what you had to do."
"Now go water your own plants if you have any and consider if you want her in your life." - pensaha
"NTA"
"It was your property, and at that point, you had permission to be in the home. She made no reasonable attempts to look for the dress, knowing full well that you wanted it back…"
"…when she made the first thing not in reference to 'Wow! You found it! Great!', but instead 'Why did you snoop through my closet?' she likely already knew where it was."
"When people take THAT long to look and find something they know they should have, then to me it's malicious." - Ordinary_Mortgage870
"NTA. Everyone here is assuming malice and she was trying to steal it and other weird stuff but your friend is mad because she's embarrassed."
"Not only about how cluttered her house is but also about how she was unable to muster up the ability to do anything about it for this length of time, and you had to go in and do it."
"She likely downplayed the importance of the dress because otherwise, she'd have to feel like the world's sh*ttiest friend for not overcoming her overwhelm about the closet to get the dress."
"She offered you money because that was easier than confronting her 'failure.'"
"And now she's getting mad about you going in the closet to deflect all those two years of feeling sh*tty collapsing in on her."
"I would tell your friend you're sorry for going in the closet, but you really needed the dress."
"If you still want to be her friend, you can say something like…"
"…'I hope you know that I will never judge you for something like a messy closet. Please don't think you have to save face with me about things like that.'" - purplearmored
Hopefully OP's sister is excited she gets to wear the dress.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.