Content Warning: Cancer, Late Wife, Widowhood, Grieving Process, Dating After Loss
We all know that grieving is messy and that everyone has their own way of grieving.
But just like a relationship ending, a person should wait a while to start dating after they've lost someone, not only so they can process the grief, but so that they can properly immerse themselves in a new relationship, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Big_Dragonfruit_5800 had been happily married to his childhood best friend and love of his life, only for her to then struggle with cancer for years.
After she passed away, the Original Poster (OP) struggled with being without her and wondered when would be a reasonable time to start to pursue another partner, potentially someone who would help him work through his grief.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for looking for a partner just three and a half months after my wife passed away?"
The OP was grieving the loss of his wife, who lost her battle with cancer.
"My wife and I (34 Male) were childhood friends, and we got married in 2017."
"Since then, we have been living together in Canada. In 2021, she was diagnosed with cancer."
"Everything seemed manageable until the end of 2022, but after that, things took a turn for the worse. Despite the challenges, we shared some beautiful moments together."
"During her illness, I put my sexual needs aside as her health didn't allow for it."
The OP was struggling with being alone.
"She passed away about three and a half months ago (she was 33 Female), and now I find myself feeling lonely. I deeply miss her, but I also have a desire to fulfill my physical needs and crave companionship."
"Am I the a**hole for wanting these things? I still love her and haven't forgotten her, but I'm seeking some emotional and physical support as I navigate this difficult time."
"I don't have any kids and living alone here. I have no family members who live with me. Also, I am doing my therapy sessions and I would be 100% transparent to the person I am meeting about my current situation."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP but urged him not to expect someone else to heal him.
"NTA, but it's not really fair to a partner to expect them to emotionally and physically support you while you grieve."
"Personally, I would not date someone who lost a partner so recently."
"You should definitely get some therapy." - CTMom79
"My first thought was he had a codependency. This is not a good way to enter into any relationship, let alone one in which you just lost a spouse three months ago. I would be surprised if OP isn't skirting around this topic with his therapist." - Lower-Ad3764
"What you need is therapy and perhaps a bereavement support group. What you would have with someone now would be a 'rebound,' and it would be unfair to pursue a relationship just hoping for them to hold you up during this difficult time."
"It's the same reason people don't recommend dating someone right after you break up with someone else. It's worse when you're grieving someone who has died rather than left." - Robinnoodle
"I am a little bit baffled that you'd expect a woman who is a stranger to you to just swoop in and do emotional labor for you. Maybe learn to deal with your emotions independently and talk to your friends and therapist about your grief. You cannot expect grief support from a person you just met." - Honest-Advantage3814
"Get a f**kbuddy, maybe. Make some new friends and start a hobby."
"But leave romance and dating entanglement until you're ready to see them as their own person, rather than as a physical outlet for sex you couldn't have, or someone to be there whilst you grieve another woman."
"Same as if you were recently divorced, I don't know many emotionally healthy people who would date a recent widow/er. Nobody wants to be a therapist for a new date."
"That would be a LOT to put on someone you are newly dating. Dating should be about having fun and getting to know each other after you've both processed your baggage from previous relationships. Not merely a reprieve from loneliness or sexual frustration."
"Way too many people (especially guys) jump straight into a new relationship immediately after their last one ends, or they are bereaved because they are afraid of being alone. And then hope to replicate what they lost immediately. But rebound relationships are often unhealthy because they aren't running on their own steam."
"I'm sure you're a great guy. But I don't think you're ready to offer something to a romantic partner yet. You have love inside you, but you aren't ready to be the kind of date most people want or need - not until you heal."
"Get bereavement counseling." - linerva
"I think OP can be given the benefit of the doubt of just doing a s**t job of writing this rather than going straight in and saying you prefer to have cancer in the post where he clearly states he's lost the love of his life to that very thing."
"People grieve, he's probably going around in a depression circle and is feeling sorry for himself. He's lost the most important person in his life; he misses the intimacy, and I don't just mean sex; every little hug or touch or text throughout the day. He's also completely lost his future and all the plans they had made together."
"I think he just desperately wants that back as soon as possible and hasn't realized that this post does make him look like a bit of a p***k but when you actually think about what's happened it's understandable."
"Just think back to the biggest heartbreak you've ever had from the ending of a relationship. Now think about that where neither partner wanted it to end and increase the sadness and loneliness tenfold because there's no way of fixing the situation."
"I just get the feeling Reddit expects people's behavior to be f**king perfect 100 percent of the time and this really is a completely inconsiderate reply to somebody that's probably going through the toughest time they will ever experience in their lifetime." - BrieflyVerbose
Others were concerned about the OP's focus on sexual intimacy in his post.
"It kinda sits weird for me that he goes straight to, 'I put my sexual needs aside for her,' as if he should be applauded as a hero for that when his wife is going through brutal treatments?"
"It makes me feel like his 'loneliness' is just 'I wanna have sex because I was denied it SOOOO long.'"
"The whole thing just sits weird with me, I don't know." - unicornhair1991
"I just don't get why men struggle so much more with being on their own (on the whole, not every man is the same of course)."
"I also find moving on in less time than it takes to change seasons (give or take) a little disrespectful to the spouse that's died. It makes it seem like another thing to be discarded quickly in today's disposable society. Like, it's too difficult to spend time reflecting on their lost partner and healing, so hurry, hurry, fill the gap with another person. That's just my personal belief, though." - penfoldspenfold
"So you put your sexual needs aside for her... So noble! Such sacrifice!"
"What the f**k are you going on about??" - Renmarkable
"I'm sorry, am I the only one who thinks three and a half months is way too soon? I've never been through something so difficult and I'm not judging. I know everyone grieves differently, and we all have 'needs.'"
"But your wife is supposed to be your wife because you love her; that should overpower sex. I just don't think I'd ever entertain someone that's trying to sleep with me right after their wife passed, that's messed up."
"It's very disrespectful of your late wife, in my opinion. Your respect and love for her shouldn't be conditional to her being here." - Live_Chest5002
"I'm going to give OP the benefit of the doubt that it was bad phrasing as he is still processing his grief, but that phrasing was… a rough way to describe caring for your dying wife." - Consistent-Fact-4415
"Personally? I think YTA."
"I will say this. This kind of behavior is common among men. But I think it's absolutely just a symptom of the unhealthy detachment to emotions that society ingrains in them. I think you need grief counseling before you make a decision like that."
"Women aren't just reprieve for your desire to have a warm body beside you. They are human beings. And if you're going to seek out and commit to another, then frankly, you owe it to them to be the best version of yourself you can be. Otherwise, you risk hurting someone more than you do finding love again."
"Three and a half months... seems too short." - SignificantOrange139
The subReddit could completely empathize with the OP struggling with the loss of his wife, who also was his childhood best friend and who had lost her battle after years with cancer. That would be a tremendous amount for anyone to process.
But the OP started to lose the audience when he brought up sexual intimacy, especially less than four months after his wife passed away.
While it was understandable for him to be lonely and even to want support and connection during this difficult time, a relationship and intimacy didn't seem to be what the OP actually needed, but rather ways to heal so that he could properly love someone again in the future.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.