Living with someone you love is meant to be a fun and loving experience.
But sometimes sharing spaces isn't all it's cracked up to be, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, especially when it's time to get ready for work.
Redditor FantasticNiffler544 was struggling to get ready in time because of how much time her husband spent in the bathroom each morning.
But when he pushed back against her concerns, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was worrying over nothing.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for 'banning' my husband from the main bathroom in the morning?"
The OP and her husband kept needing the bathroom at the same time.
"So my husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We're both in our mid-thirties."
"He got a new job a month ago and is working from home full-time now. I work as a hairdresser."
"Before my husband got his new job, he got up 2 hours before me, so I never noticed how incredibly long he takes in the bathroom in the morning."
"Not to get ready, but to poop and play games on his phone."
"Now that he works from home, he doesn't have to get up as early and usually gets up at the same time as me."
"We've got a master bathroom joining our bedroom and a smaller one with just a toilet downstairs."
This impacted the OP's ability to leave for work on time.
"I always use the master bathroom to get ready in the morning, since the other one doesn't have outlets for my hair tools and no mirror."
"I usually take around 30-45 minutes in the morning to get ready. So I get up an hour before I have to leave, so I have enough time to do my hair, which is kind of important, working at a salon."
"Well, ever since he started working from home, we've had some fights about bathroom usage."
"We both get up at 8. He immediately gets his phone and goes to the master bathroom, sits on the toilet, and plays games for at least 30 minutes, usually 45."
"When he's finally done I have to rush to get ready so I'm not late for work."
The couple couldn't come up with a solution.
"I've asked him several times if he could either use the bathroom downstairs or if he could go poop after I'm done getting ready since he doesn't start work till 09:30 (or just not play games on the toilet for 30 minutes straight)."
"He told me he doesn't want to use the bathroom downstairs since it's cold down there and he's got just as much right to use the master bathroom than I do and asked me to use the downstairs bathroom instead."
"I would but can't since there are no outlets and no mirror. He doesn't need outlets or a mirror to just poop and play games on his phone."
"I even suggested setting up a makeup and hair table in the bedroom but he doesn't want that because hairspray would get on the bed and the carpet."
The husband accused the OP of banning him from the bathroom.
"Somehow we weren't able to find a solution to this super simple problem. So I started setting my alarm 10 minutes earlier than him and just locked myself in the bathroom until I'm done getting ready."
"He's been using the bathroom downstairs since and now only takes like 5 minutes to poop because he's got no phone reception in the downstairs bathroom and it's not as warm and cozy as the masters (no floor heating in the downstairs bathroom)."
"I honestly think it's a stupid argument but he thinks I'm being a giant a**hole and that he has just as much right to use the 'good' bathroom than me."
"He's been very passive-aggressive for the past few days and complains a lot about me locking myself in."
"It's a super stupid argument but I kinda don't feel like I'm the a**hole here? Like what else am I supposed to do?"
"So Reddit, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the situation needed to change for the OP.
"I would let the husband know to leave his cellphone in the bedroom, and he can use the good bathroom."
"That OP needs it just as much as he does, and if he's just playing on his phone while sitting on his royal throne, it's throwing her whole day off."
"If he doesn't oblige, invest in a jammer... and give him 5 minutes before turning it on, plenty of time to take a dump." - elvaholt
"NTA. I went to cosmetology school and they were VERY strict about appearance, especially hair. Even during the portion when you were in the classroom and not on the floor, because salon guests see us coming and going."
"OP has to have the space to do their hair. He can surrender the bathroom or agree to a vanity for them to do their hair. He is clearly just being stubborn and inflexible." - Worthmycolors
"My husband is an amazing dad. He's also definitely a bit of a typical man when it comes to pooping. Or, he was."
"He started taking the baby in the bathroom when he pooped while it was my 'off' time. Totally fine when she was still a baby."
"But now that she's a very curious and very mobile 16-month-old, she likes to try and help. His poops have gotten extremely efficient..."
"I just leave her in the living room, which we have totally baby-proofed, and s**t with the bathroom door open. Feels very undignified since she insists on standing at the baby gate and watching me. But at least she can't touch me." - SpicyWonderBread
"My husband works at home and he ASKS me each morning which bathroom he should use to drop a deuce because in our house we shower downstairs (our upstairs bathroom only has a bathtub) and I get ready upstairs."
"He doesn't want to interfere with my get-ready-for-work routine because he's courteous and a kind partner."
"If he decided to take the Browns to the Superbowl for 30-45 minutes each morning while I needed to shower or get ready, I'd be livid. But he'd never do that because, like I said, he's a kind, considerate partner, not an AH."
"OP, wtf is wrong with your husband?" - chickenfightyourmom
Others were concerned about the quality of the relationship she was in.
"NTA my ex used to pull almost the same s**t."
"He would lock himself in the bathroom for over an hour every morning shaving himself from the top of his head to the crack of his a** while I would have to get the kids dressed and fed and ready for school, then he would have the nerve to scowl at me and say I wasn't doing anything with myself."
"Your guy sounds like he would pull the same s**t if you have kids." - Above_Ground_Fool
"OP, this was my ex too! He would also whine like a teenager or do tasks poorly (the weaponized incompetence song on Tiktok was spot on)."
"He even let me in on his 'strategy' like it was a joke I'd enjoy."
"Hiding in the bathroom was probably his favorite thing to avoid doing any adulting. So immature." - electricsugargiggles
"My Evil Starter Husband was like this but with groceries. We'd go grocery shopping together and the minute we got home, he'd disappear into the bathroom for half an hour, leaving me to lug in all the groceries and put them away."
"I finally caught on and called him on it and he stopped doing it, but the little smirk on his face when I called him on it told me he really was doing it on purpose, it wasn't just my imagination." - TheRealCarpeFelis
"My mom says my dad used to do this and that I would do it as well. Not with kids but other things. Think like family stands in line at the airport while I f**k off to the newsstand!"
"Once my mom made it clear to me what I was doing, I stopped. I am ashamed to say but at that time I was just oblivious to the fact that other people exist in the universe."
"I had an excuse. I was a dumb kid. I'm an adult now. What is your husband's excuse?" - impendingaff1
Because of her husband's passive-aggressive behavior, the OP thought she might have done something wrong by going into the bathroom before her husband could, but the subReddit didn't think so.
The OP needed to prepare herself, including her appearance, for her work at the salon. Because she needed a mirror and outlets, and needed to be a work at an earlier time, this conversation really should have been a no-brainer.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.