Though this doesn't work for most people, there are some of us who will try our best to maintain positive relationships and friendships with the people we've dated.
This is especially true for people who were married, especially for a long time, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor SeaDebt8559 was married to his wife for seventeen years, and now that they were divorced, it was important to him to try to maintain a friendship with her and keep her in his life.
But when she immediately moved on to date his former best friend, the Original Poster (OP) felt a strange combination of feeling hurt and confused, despite trying to move on.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being upset that my ex-wife of 17 years immediately started dating my former best friend?"
The OP had a falling out with a former friend.
"I want to start by saying that I THINK I probably AM overreacting and that my intention is to just learn about myself."
"There's this guy, Mark. Mark and I were best friends in high school and intense musical friends."
"We played in dozens of bands together, went to college together, and toured together."
"A few years ago, we had a falling out. I wouldn't call it 'ugly,' but there was definitely some significant dysfunctional energy."
"It's my belief that he was quite a jerk to both me and my ex-wife on numerous occasions, particularly when alcohol was involved."
"He's been particularly rude to me, saying some pretty horrible things about me to a friend."
The OP was surprised when Mark and Kate showed an interest in each other.
"My ex-wife, Kate, and I got divorced in July. It was as much of us growing apart as anything."
"We're still on good terms and have felt like great friends recently. I've hoped we could remain friends for years."
"I entered a new relationship in November."
"Now, Kate and Mark have started dating."
"I want to be clear, I do NOT have an issue with Kate dating. I want her to move on and be happy."
"But this particular relationship just makes me want to puke."
"Mark has been a huge source of stress in our lives for years, and ending that friendship was incredibly painful."
"This situation has my blood boiling. I've talked with some of my friends about it, and the unanimous feedback has been, 'What the f**k?!'"
"It's her life and none of my business, but I can't help but feel betrayed by Kate."
The OP also felt really conflicted.
"I have one additional question. What does it say about me that I feel this way in a new relationship?"
"I have absolutely NO interest in Kate. Why specifically does this bother me? The logical side of my mind tells me that I should just laugh and put it out of my head."
"I have a wonderful new partner. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much."
"AIO?"
The OP later updated the post with information he realized might be important:
"I'm terribly sorry to add this context so late, as so many of you have graciously commented already, BUT one thing I should've said up front."
"A HUGE factor in this situation is that Mark has a history of domestic abuse. To my knowledge, there was an incident a few years ago (after he and I lost touch) where the cops were called (by his now-ex) because he had some kind of mental break and started smashing stuff in the house with a baseball bat."
"Unfortunately, this is the second instance I've heard of something like this."
"Kate knows this, and unfortunately, I've literally heard her say the exact words, 'Maybe I can be the one to crack the code with him.'"
"So… I don't think my concern is coming from a place of being controlling or overprotective. I feel as if this man is an unstable danger to her safety."
"And yes, on a human level, there's a chunk of my ego that feels a little bruised over the fact that they were both great friends of mine. BUT, unless I'm reading my own mind wrong, I truly believe that my concern is for her safety."
"She's already in quite a bad place emotionally, and I fear this could end in disaster for her."
"I've voiced this. I suppose all I can do is let it happen and focus on myself."
Fortunately, the OP didn't think that cheating was likely.
"Also, who knows, but I think that the cheating theory is very unlikely. She's extremely shy and introverted. She's definitely been a 'go to work and then come straight home' kind of person, and I've worked from home for years without ever noticing anything unusual with her being gone or anything, so… I really find that theory unlikely."
"I think a much more likely theory is that she decided to date this guy because she's so shy, and the idea of someone familiar (even if there are red flags everywhere) is more attractive than the idea of a stranger."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some side-eyed the story, developing theories from a full-blown affair to rejected advances.
"The most likely reason for a best friend to suddenly become toxic, insulting both the wife and the friend, is that he was previously having an affair with the wife, and she cut it off."
"I think he was toxic because he didn't take the wife's rejection well the first time."
"The tip off is that he ALSO insulted the wife, and he mostly did this while he was drinking."
"He was angry at both OP and his wife, and that feels like the wife picked OP over him. It came out when he was drinking because when he was sober, he was aware enough to realize letting this out would destroy his friendship." - FunkyPete
"Maybe he liked the wife (even subconsciously) and started spotting the things OP wasn't doing 'right' and got frustrated about it. I don't think there's any need to jump to an affair, but it's still... strange." - Competitive-Sail6264
"Maybe they weren't having an affair, but he came on to her and was rejected. That could have the same reaction of him turning nasty." - switchywoman_
"A lot of people have poor judgment and make dumb decisions when they're hurting, though. We have no idea how OP's ex is coping with the divorce or OP dating someone new. It's not that far-fetched." - Curious_Contract2172
"Y'all men are always so presumptuous and quick to blame women. Do you have any idea how often men are mean to women they have feelings for, regardless of whether feelings are returned or not? A lot."
"It's actually super common for men to act like mean children when they're rejected, so I would argue he probably tried to have an affair with her, she rejected him because she was loyal, and post-divorce she probably figured she had a shot at a rebound to a guy who once made a move. Which seemingly worked." - Curious_Contract2172
"I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago where my ex-boyfriend started dating one of my better friends from the college town we lived in. She was pretty messy, and he used to talk so much s**t about her while we were dating, and I used to vent to her about what an a**hole he was."
"Fast forward to our final break-up, I had moved back to my (and my ex's) hometown and drifted away from my old friend group, when who do I run into at the drug store one day but my ex and ex-friend."
"I was already dating someone new, too, so I wasn't 'hurt' to see them dating, more just like, confused? They both talked so much s**t about each other, it was like, were they both just doing that for my sake or something? Were they secretly attracted to each other the whole time?"
"Yadda yadda yadda, they imploded dramatically after a few months, and it turned out they weren't so much secret soulmates as two angry drunks." - Emotional_Emotion113
Others understood what the OP was feeling but encouraged him to move on.
"NOR, but at this point, the best thing to do is ignore it and move on. Neither are in your life anymore, so they don't need to be on your mind, either." - ninjoid
"I think most of us would feel the same way as you do, OP, if we were in your shoes. It's a natural human reaction, but I'd focus on your own happiness right now and enjoy your relationship." - anongirl55
"Allowing their relationship to continue to bother you could negatively impact your current relationship. Your partner may feel like you aren't truly over Kate and aren't able to build a relationship with them."
"NOR, but do your best, for you and for your partner, to let this go and move on." - EnoughManufacturer32
"Sometimes the trash takes itself out, OP doesn't need a 'friend' like his ex-wife. She knows what she is doing… NOR, but if this were the AITA subReddit, the OP would be NTA while his ex would be the obvious AH." - InfoSecPeezy
"If I were the OP, I would ignore and move on. But it sounds like it's a little more complex than 'out of sight, out of mind.' Maintaining a positive relationship with someone you've spent a significant portion of your life with is important, maybe even healthy. It sounds like you can't really avoid it altogether, at least not right now."
"My advice would be, if you want to maintain this positive relationship with your ex, and you truly do believe that you're great friends, maybe talk to her about it, if only to help yourself move past it with the least amount of resentment."
"Mention the stress you felt was put on you both, stress that you don't 'disapprove' of or otherwise care about her dating or with whom, and that you want her to be happy and have love."
"As long as you're being honest about a lack of jealousy and such, a conversation like that might just set you free..." - ChromiumSilk
The subReddit could understand why the OP was experiencing conflicting feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion, but they hoped that he could start to let those feelings go and move on, so he could develop a relationship with his new partner.
But if maintaining a friendship with his ex was that important to him, a conversation might need to happen to clear the air and decide whether the friendship was something he still wanted once he knew the truth.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.