Relationships can be defined by our ability to meet the wants of others while not sacrificing our own needs.
Every relationship has some form of this dance, this compromise.
The give-and-take is so ingrained into us that we often notice the absence of it far more than we notice the effort of doing it.
Though because there is sometimes an effort involved, we don't always do as much bending as we could.
So what happens when you both think the other should bend and neither one is going to do it?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) LzyPenguin when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
In a now-deleted post, OP asked:
"AITA for saying "it's our anniversary" when my wife got upset that I did not want to do something she knows I do not enjoy on our anniversary?"
OP started with a small background.
"My wife loves to read."
"She loves going to Barnes and noble."
"I hate it."
"She knows I hate going to Barnes and Noble."
"We were discussing things to do for our anniversary, and she mentioned 3 things she thought would be fun to do."
"I proposed 2 of those things back to her, with another 3rd that we would both enjoy."
"She was very upset and said that I really hurt her feelings for not wanting to go to Barnes and noble."
Then he got immediately to the problem at hand.
"I responded saying that it was OUR anniversary and I thought it would be fun doing things we both enjoy."
OP was left to wonder,
"Am I the a**hole for assuming that we should do things we both enjoy on our anniversary?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were very direct.
"NTA"
"It's "your" (as in both of you) anniversary, not "her" anniversary after all. You're in the right here." ~ Melonmode
"Yeah, OP can take her to Barnes and Noble for her birthday." ~ Tungstenkrill
Others shared their own stories.
"I am a teacher who loves going to Barnes and Noble and who spends way too much money there."
"So I may be biased."
"Also, if she doesn't have one already, teachers can sign up for a membership and get a discount!"
"My husband will walk around with me, hold my books, look up reviews, grab a coffee, look at the toys and stationary, and eat a pastry."
"I don't ask him. He does it because he wants me to be happy."
"I also buy him video games and exercise equipment, go to the movies, try new shows I really wouldn't try on my own and go to Indian restaurants even though the only thing I eat is the naan because of my stomach issues."
"I go because I want to spend time with him and making him happy makes me happy."
"NAH."
"I think the best thing to do is do something nice with and for each other."
"Maybe you aren't the a**hole for not wanting to go to Barnes and Noble, but she's your wife and it makes her happy. It probably won't take long and then you can do something that interests you after." ~ itsthesamewithatart
"My husband and I both love reading."
"For our anniversary we always go to a bookstore and pick out a book, then buy the other's book for them."
"Then, if it is nice, we go read our books together in the park."
"Personally, we both love it and look forward to it, but that's just who we are."
"Our dream vacation is the Sylvia Beach bed and breakfast in Oregon."
"However, if one of us didn't like reading, it wouldn't be a good anniversary activity."
"NTA, and maybe OP could propose a book-themed birthday activity for his wife since that is a day just for her instead." ~ Hot_Entrepreneur2605
"Ha, my last anniversary my husband asked if I wanted to go to the indie bookstore."
"It was after eating at the restaurant we both like, but he still thought it would make me happy to go browse." ~Robossassin
"When my partner and I first started dating we would go to Chapters (Canadian equivalent of B&N), grab a coffee, and walk around talking about all the different books for a couple of hours."
"It was a blast!" ~ icankilluwithmybrain
There was some confusion as to the nature of the fight in the first place.
"NTA -"
"But, I don't understand the issue."
"If you both are deciding on something you both like to do and make a list to choose from and 2 of 3 things on the list are things you both like to do -"
"Then why y'all fighting over literally the one thing that doesn't qualify?"
"Just pick from the remaining choices."
"I mean - isn't that the reason for the list in the first place?"
"To choose something you both want to do?"
"Sounds like she's either being selfish or controlling if she doesn't understand something that basic."
"I mean - we all learned that at 3yo when parent's took us for ice cream. 'OK Sally - They have vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. We're sharing so we all have to like it.'"
'"What does everyone like? Chocolate? Cool! Sir, I'll get 2 scoops of chocolate in a cup with 3 spoons, please. Thank you."' ~ PDRWoman
"NTA at all. I love books, and book stores, but that's a weird anniversary celebration if it's not something you both love."
"Honestly, it's kind of a weird choice for an anniversary if you do."
"Is Barnes and Noble in another city and she rarely gets to go or something?" ~ ScarletDarkstar
For others, the lack of compromise was a concern.
"NTA."
"Marriage is about TWO people, not one."
"Proposing things you both like is valid."
"She can go to B&N any other time."
"It doesnt matter if a trip would be half an hour."
"The fact that she knows you don't like it and still proposed it tells me she needs a reiteration of boundaries and compromise."
"I feel like some spouses use the argument of 'well, you love me so can't you just go for me'? (Not that she's done this, just made me think of it)."
"Spouses need to respect each other's likes and dislikes." ~ Ownerofthelonelyhrts
"NTA -"
"The day could have been 30 minutes at Barnes and Noble."
"30 minutes at Bass Pro Shop or whatever you like."
"I don't know your gender, so maybe it's Sephora. Anyway, wrap it up with dinner and a movie you both like."
"Sounds like a fine day to me." ~ KarmaRan0verMyDogma
"Yta."
"Happy wife happy life."
"It wouldn't kill you to do something your wife enjoys on your anniversary for a little bit." ~ Tylanthia
"NTA, your anniversary is about the both of you"
"But for the love of god please just take her to Barnes and noble another day."
"I'm a big makeup person, and shopper, and for my birthday my boyfriend and I walked around ulta for part of it and it was a lot of fun showing him what I enjoy and having him point stuff out as well."
"It's truly a simple thing to engage in your partner's interests, especially something as easy as going to a bookstore."
"And for advice, not that you asked, please don't whine during it."
"I'd be willing to bet your partner engages in things you enjoy as well, or at least doesn't put them down." ~ Theliontthatwitch
There were also requests for further context.
"INFO."
"Do you ever go to places like that with her on 'normal' occasions?"
"If not, she may be trying to use the special nature of the day to indicate the importance of the activity and having you there."
"Although this is something easily done on her own, the beauty in a partnership, is sometimes just existing in the same space and enjoying each other's excitement and happiness."
"This can mean doing things or going somewhere you may not necessarily be that interested in, but finding joy in your partners joy."
"(It would be different if it's a hard limit, but it's a book shop, not sky diving.)"
"I would say NAH." ~ TheThoonenator
"INFO"
"Where the other 2 things that she proposed things you both enjoy fairly equally, or did she propose something she'd enjoy more, something you'd enjoy more, and something you'd both enjoy?"
"If you then countered with two things you'd both enjoy and one thing you'd enjoy then I can see how that could feel hurtful."
"Otherwise I really don't see where she's coming from." ~ BetterWithLatte
There was an offer of an alternative tactic.
"NTA, OP."
"In times like this I just flip the situation around and see if that helps."
"It doesn't all the time, but at that point you've been as logical as you can be about the situation and can only throw your hands up."
"For example, if you loved Camping and your wife hated camping, then you suggesting you BOTH go camping for your anniversary is an a**hole move, because you're forcing her to do something she hates on the day that represents the start of your lives together."
"She wouldn't like that at all."
"So why would she think it's okay to force that on you?" ~ Chadderific
OP did return with a final thought.
"Edit:"
"Just wanted to say thank you for all the responses. I have read them all even if I did not respond to you and they have helped."
Wants and needs can get very confused very quickly.
It is okay to say 'no'.
It is okay to say 'yes'.
Remember to listen for those wants and needs when your partner expresses them to you, remember to express your own.
But whatever you do, don't forget to keep dancing.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.