It used to be that when a couple married, they're individual finances werd merged into a single account. But this wasn't always a good idea.
In cases of divorce or addiction, one spouse could empty all joint accounts leaving the other with nothing. Increasingly, couples began keeping their assets separate after marriage.
This was especially true for the children affected by the divorce boom of the 1970s and 80s.
But if assets are kept separate, questions about how bills are paid or the purchase of joint assets are funded have to be answered.
A husband faced with these questions turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Artistic_Hippo4827 asked:
"AITA for asking my wife to spend all her savings?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a 34-year-old man married to the love of my life, a 33-year-old woman."
"My wife is kind, nurturing, and motivated in her career. She does a lot for me at home since I work LONG hours."
"We married 4 months ago. Dated for 8 years.We're both easy going and have the same sense of humor and rarely argue."
"I make 4x more money—I'm in healthcare—but she makes a good salary as well. Since I make 4x what she does, I tend to pay for most things—dinners, weekend trips, mall shopping—which I absolutely do not mind."
"With bigger purchases, we pay for things together in proportion to what we make. She's usually OK with paying her share of things—1/4 of the rent and groceries—and will sometimes offer to pay for dinners and dates."
"She's VERY close with her best friends—she has 4.They're great people, but they're basically attached at the hip and talk daily in a group chat. Which is fine, everyone needs a support system. I have similar friends."
"Her and her 4 friends have a combined savings account together for 'investing in something together'. They've each been putting in a few hundred dollars per month EACH."
"I've known about this for years and didn't love the idea initially, which I expressed. But she was adamant she wanted this and at the time we weren't hurting for the money and it was ultimately her money and her decision."
"We are now looking to buy a home—in one of the most expensive real-estate markets in the US. She expresses that she doesn't have much in her own savings, but has 20k of her own money tied in with her friends combined savings."
"Over the last year they've been told by 2 financial advisors that 5 people attempting to invest together in real-estate or stocks or a business wasn't a great idea. And they also recommended to split the funds to 5 separate accounts since the account is under 1 of the friend's names and there are tax implications for having that amount of money to her name (100k)."
"The homes we're looking at need around 60-70k for a down payment. I stated I was willing to spend nearly all my savings for the down payment for a home (50k)."
"So I told her she should pull that money from her joint friends account to help with the down payment. It's a huge purchase and I don't think it should be my burden alone."
"She got really upset and told me 'I don't want to touch that money, I promised my friends it would be for investing together, we should look for a less expensive home then, maybe a fixer upper' she then stated, 'it would be easier for you to accrue the money back since you make so much more'."
"This was VERY frustrating and I told her, 'its unfair i have to spend nearly all my savings and you dont. your friend fund is stupid, and it's stupid not to use that money for OUR future home'."
"AITA for asking her to use HER OWN cash from her 'friends' account, break that promise to her friends so we can buy a nice home together?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my wife she needs to spend all her savings and break a promise to her friends. I also told her, her promise was stupid."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA—married or not I would not buy a house with someone who would rather have an uncertain investment fund with friends than help me with the down payment of our shared house and considers my savings our savings and her savings her savings."
"Also I don't fault you for calling the fund stupid, because it sounds stupid since 2 financial planners have said it's ill advised and told them to split it up again." ~ Outside_Guidance4752
"Not to mention that her $20K would go towards equity in her own home that will appreciate rather than sitting in her friends' bank account accumulating dust?"
"Just tell your friends when they're ready to pull the trigger, she can get the funds if the investment makes sense. I'll bet dollars (from my 'friends account') to donuts that the investment opportunity will never arise." ~ king_lloyd11
"Wait, so she and her friends have a shared savings account that they've been adding to together with the intent of eventually investing in—as in the money is currently just sitting there in one person's account?"
"NTA, that is absolutely ridiculous."
"I could see the value in having a shared bank account between close friends for the purpose of going on trips and vacations together since you could just pull money for deposits instead of playing the Venmo game, but this is ridiculous and makes it seem like she cares more about planning for her future with her friends than with her own husband. YIKES." ~ starbiebarbie99
"Also legally, if she's not on the account the money is not hers. So the friend could literally take all that cash (100k) and jump ship." ~ Rumpelteazer45
"That's the part that gives me cold chills. All it would take is one fight, and suddenly either a) four of you each just flushed $20k down the tubes, or b) the entire group is tied up in a decade-long court battle, trying to get their money separated. It's insane. NTA." ~ Ok-Rabbit1878
"Never wipe out your savings for a down payment. Especially when buying a house. I swear I had more unexpected house expense in the first year than I did in the next decade."
"Also—NTA. You pay 75% of everything. But I assume the house will be in both your names. Her contributing to the down payment just makes sense." ~ PurpleStar1965
"NTA. Your wife sounds financially illiterate. She is being illogical and not prioritizing her family." ~ Listen_MamaKnowsBest
"I think it's worse than that for her age and honestly letting these bad habits go on for such a long time. To me she's a huge financial liability in this relationship."
"There is no way I'd buy a house with her let alone have her own any part of it if her friends are more important to her. Who the heck combines investment money with friends‽‽ So insane." ~ Unhappy-Prune-9914
"This story is actually bonkers. She's 33‽‽ I just… cannot believe anyone would be that stupid."
"And she IS a liability. Not many stories make me speechless or short circuit my brain but this one did it. NTA." ~ Living-Medium-3172
"Nope, NTA, and I would seriously reconsider buying a house—or if you do, make her sign a postnuptial. If you pony up $50k and you have essentially been footing all the bills, all so she can save money with her friends."
"The sad part is that money is just sitting in an account and not being invested and your wife and two of her other friends have zero claim to any of the money unless their names are on the account." ~ Specific-Syllabub-54
"As a lawyer, I 100% agree with this. Her side friend fund has a lot of issues that I'd be addressing with her if she was a client of mine."
"Furthermore, If the intent of those funds is for her to invest individually and she is the sole beneficiary of whatever those funds produce, I would absolutely make her sign a post-nup making it 100% clear that since I am funding the entirety of the down payment and household expenses, I get 100% of the home and its equity in the event of divorce while she gets to keep her side friend fund in return. It's the only fair outcome."
"That said, if she can't see how crazy it is to just have 20k sitting in another person's account meaning she has zero actual legal entitlement to those funds without court involvement combined with the fact she isn't willing to put skin in the game to purchase a marital home, why are you even really with her?"
"It seems to me she is treating you like a sugar daddy and expects you to fund her entire life without more than minimal support from her. NTA." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"NTA, you might want to explain to your wife that either you combine finances for big purchases (like a house), or you will make it only your asset with her having zero claim on it. It's not how family finances work, and this friends savings account IS stupid." ~ forgeris
This husband definitely has some serious decisions to make and discussions to have with his wife.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.