There are certain discussions that might be worth having before tying the knot with someone you love. Although the ultimate decision on whether to share anything major lies with the person with the secrets.
But nondisclosure is a huge risk as one gentleman learned.
Redditor AshamedProject is a husband who went the don't tell route. Unfortunately, the truth has a sneaky way of revealing itself.
When his wife found out about his familial factoid, she was appalled. But he refused to apologize.
He turned to seek validation on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for never telling my wife that my parents were cousins?"
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"My (26 M[ale]) parents have been happily married for thirty years, neither of them had known they were cousins and found out two years into their relationship."
"Their mothers (who are sisters) had lost contact after each of them ran away (at different times) from their strict super religious household. The day they met it was almost in an instant that both of them knew they were each others siblings."
"That day was filled with a lot of chaos, and ended up with the breakup of my parents. However five months into the breakup, they both realized they couldn't do it and they got back together."
"My mother's mom supported them, whereas my fathers had not and disowned my father. A year after that my parents got married, and had my sister and I."
"Just a month ago my father had passed away from heart complications, it hit my mother really hard and she was absolutely broken. This week we had a tiny funeral (only ten people) for him and everything was going smooth, until his mother showed up (my aunt had brought her along)."
"This created a huge shouting match with my mother, aunt, and grandmother. In this they disclosed the fact my parents were cousins. My wife looked at me in shock and asked me if that was true. I told her yeah and she said to wait for a conversation about this when we got home."
"Well we got home and she just started crying saying that, it was disgusting that I was a product of incest and how I couldn't have told her and why I didn't trust her."
"I truly don't believe that my parents relationship defines me as a person, I've tried to ignore that fact for my whole life, and it was a really uncomfortable topic."
"I told her that I had the right to keep it to myself, but she just screamed that I didn't and that what if we had a child and it could have complications because of me (although the chances of that are extremely low)."
"I still stood my ground that it was my right, but my wife just continued to cry as she told me that we were going to take a break. I'm heartbroken because I didn't think that part of me defined me, and to know she was taking a break from me because of that reason really hurt."
"I talked to my sister about this and she said that I was the a**hole and should've told my wife, as she told her husband. She said it's not something I should've hidden, because it was a deal breaker for many."
"I'm really tired of having my parents relationship define me as a person and I don't think I'm the a**hole for not telling my wife. I haven't had contact with my wife but I know that if she were to forgive me I'd have to apologize, and even though it may sound so petty that I'm putting our relationship on the line, I don't I need to give any apology."
"I'd like another view on this because my minds racing, also throwaway because my wife knows my reddit."
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors had various responses to the post—the first of which comprised of statistical information.
"First cousins are also allowed to marry without restriction in 19 states in the US." – Plondon0
"Incest laws in Canada only extend to parents, siblings, and grandparents." – SiameseCats3
"I actually did a whole research paper about incest taboos across the world (sociology), and you would be surprised what is considered incest in some places."
"I'm not super knowledgeable about the biology of it (my research focus was on the existence of the taboo itself and it's impact on the culture) but OPs parents could have been siblings and the health risks are still relatively low, which is why it's legal to marry first cousins (also it's legal to marry your second cousin in most US states, iirc) because in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal."
"Which is why I'm a little shocked at the wife's reaction? Or am I just desensitized bc I went and spent hours researching how some cultures encourage boys to have sex for the first time with female cousins?" – Relevant_Lime
Others weighed in with their respective judgments.
"I imagine the bigger problem is that he didn't tell her something that had his father disowned, split his parents up, and been a problem for OP in the past. He chose not to trust her to know and marry him."
"So, can she trust him? Is there more OP is hiding? In the future will OP arbitrarily decide his wife doesn't deserve certain information because it is a problem for him?" – Dachshundmom5
"I think this is above Reddit's paygrade and I know this get suggested way too often in here but you and your wife need counseling." – HowardProject
"I wanted to say no a**holes because I can see why you don't want to bring it up, and I'm the UK I believe first cousins are actually allowed to marry. But I absolutely get why she would want to know upfront, so she can decide for herself if it was a problem."
"I think, softly, YTA because it should have come up before the wedding." – annshine
"Well... Your parents relationship does define you if you think you have to keep it a secret."
"And incest being a huge, huge taboo (and with health ramifications) one would think it is ought to be mentioned to the person you are getting married to. So, yeah, YTA." – Roatie
"There are technically potential health ramifications from cousin marriage, but they're low to begin with, and OP marrying outside of the family means any of his (hypothetical) children have basically the same odds of conplications/illness/disability as anybody else."
"That said - if he didn't tell her because he didn't think it mattered, that'd be one thing. Intentionally hiding it because he knows it would bother her is another, and does make him an a**hole. His wife's response seems totally disproportionate, though. ESH." – redmax7156
In an edit, the OP admitted his guilt but explained that the years of torment he endured since high school took a toll on his emotional well-being.
"I fully understand that I was in the wrong, this was my wife I should told her, keeping this away from her was betrayal of trust. However my parents being a product of incest was always a sore spot for me."
"I wrote this in the post but I exceeded the word limit therefore I took it off. But when I was high school this information of my parents leaked."
"My sister told it to a friend and in the small town i lived in, it spread like wildfire. I'd get bullied constantly for it on top of already getting bullied for being small and skinny, the bulling was horrible, and I was hospitalized once from it (broken ribs)."
"That instance emotionally scarred me, and I went through therapy to overcome it. While in therapy my therapist wanted me to know that my parents didn't define me, their relationship had nothing to do with me."
"My parents were their own people and I was my own person. After those years of therapy I left with that mentality, why should my parents affect me?"
"So you guys were right although I was saying my parents didn't define me, if that was true I shouldn't have kept it a secret. I knew they defined me and I was scared of my girlfriend (now wife) leaving me."
"Perhaps I made it worse withholding this information. I've contacted my wife but her sister said to give her a couple more days to gather her thoughts, when she does I will apologize. Thank you for showing me I was in the wrong."
Sadly, the outcome was not in the OP's favor.
"Turns out a couple days means minutes, we're getting divorced. She can't live with the fact her children would be disgusting freaks."
While divorce is a difficult thing for this soon to be ex-husband to face, had he shared his secret early in their relationship he could have dodged this bullet. He could have worked it out or never gotten married to someone who couldn't accept him.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.