It is true that when it comes to gifts it's the thought that counts. But, that means spending more than 5 mins thinking about it.
But Redditor CaptainCanadia2020 encountered an issue with his wife. So he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment on a hypothetical question.
He asked:
"AITA for being mad at my wife for cheap anniversary present?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (27F) and I (28M) have been married for 3 years and yesterday was our anniversary."
"We had a nice dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant. After that we exchanged gifts, which we were both excited for since it is both our love language."
"I had gotten her a charm bracelet with two charms, one of them being one with an engraving about eternal love, which she had been hinting towards. She was obviously very happy when she opened it."
"Then came my turn, and when I opened my 'gift,' which was in a gift bag and not even wrapped, it was a 3 pack of underwear from freaking Walmart and a chunky Kitkat (which to be fair is my favorite)."
OP wasn't enthused.
"Needless to say, my reaction was quite underwhelming which she did notice."
"When she asked, I did let her know how. I was unhappy about the lack of effort she had put towards the gift."
"Her reasoning was that she thought I would love the gift, since I had casually mentioned a few weeks back that I needed to buy more underwear and because I love that chocolate (which is true)."
"She then ended her explanation with, 'men are just hard to buy for,' which sounds like bs because she's always gotten me good gifts in the past."
"Then she cried and said I had ruined the anniversary by acting like an unappreciative a-hole."
"Also, just for some background, we both have well paying jobs and she actually makes quite a bit more than me."
OP added some edits.
"Edit - Some clarifications:"
"I am not just assuming this is both our love language. I know for a fact this is because we've talked about this multiple times in the past and even taken the quiz together."
"I know I messed up on the wording of the title but a good gift for me is not just something that's expensive. I could be a budget item as long as it feels thoughtful and unique in someway and doesn't feel like part of a grocery run to Walmart. I know it's the thought that counts, but this felt thoughtless to me."
"Those people who are telling me I should've fake liked the gift. No."
"Past gifts always felt more thoughtful and were definitely not from Walmart and often had more meaning to them. Like for last anniversary she got us custom his/her keychains."
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. If I got panties and a chocolate bar for an ANNIVERSARY gift I'd be really disappointed too. 'Men are hard to buy for' is a lame excuse. She had a year to ask around, Google ideas, she could've tried a lot harder than that." ~ highest_inthe_room
"Exactly. And this isn't some cousin you see once a year. She lives with him all year. There is no way the only thing she got out of living with him was he wanted...underwear." ~ Sweet_Charming82
"That sounds entirely doable to not have an idea what they'd want, depending on the personality of the person the gifts are for."
"I think the real indicator here is if they've done well in the past and not this time which suggests what changed was her effort" ~ Lowbacca1977
"That's what got me, 'men are hard to buy for' is ridiculous. Men talk about things they'd like to have just like we do and if you care about someone you take notice. NTA op." ~ chelledees
"My husband is very hard to buy for, because when he has something he wants he researches then gets the exact thing he wants."
"If it's too expensive for him, it's definitely too expensive for me to buy for him lol. Which is why I have to put a lot of thought and actual effort into his gifts. Even though it's not his love language at all and he doesn't really care much. I do." ~ Helpful-Wrangler280
OP could've Google ideas.
"My dad is the same way! He buys it for himself, and says it's a gift from us, which is cute but not same. It doesn't help that he doesn't really like cards either."
"I usually end up baking something or making a meal for him as a present. It's always a gift he likes, so it's one I can prepare without fail." ~ Vig_Big
"Nah, they are hard to buy for. My boyfriend talks about things he wants. But they're always things that are $200+ or more. And I just can't afford that with my current salary right now." ~ mewtwothree666
"Even when they don't you can usually get a clue if you listen closely enough… I'm getting a friend a tiny stuffie of his favorite animal (he wouldn't shut up about how cute they are on multiple occasions), hoping that one lands…" ~ mechnight
"Oh my god, my favorite thing to do is write down all the random stuff my husband mentions and then when birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas roll around, surprise him with things he had even forgotten thinking about. Puts a giant smile on my face." ~ DuckDuckBangBang
"You buy underwear when you run to the store because they are needed, not as a damned gift. Yuck."
"How about a book about something that interests them, tickets to an event, nice clothing, something they can do together like cooking classes for the two or something? Anything but underwear (or socks)." ~ JuryNo7670
"I have a running Google keep document for my Fiancé - if he mentions something he likes, I note it down - I have a horrible memory."
"That way when gift ideas are needed I take something off the list and I can also distribute ideas to family and friends. He thinks I'm amazing for 'remembering' something he mentioned 6 months ago. Win-win." ~ MzFrazzle
It does seem a little rushed.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.