Lesbian Asks If It's Wrong To Refuse To Host Wife's Homophobic Family After Past Treatment

Gay marriage is, unfortunately, still not wholly embraced by society, and it's sad when your own family is not accepting of your LGBTQ+ lifestyle.

Our Redditor is a married lesbian whose in-laws are "very conservative and homophobic."

Her response to discovering that her in-laws were visiting prompted her to visit the "Am I the A** Hole?" (AITAH) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.

There, Redditor _CrazyDuckLady_ asked:

"AITAH for telling my wife her homophobic family can't stay with us?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"My wife and I have been together for about 2.5 years. Her family is very conservative and homophobic, and have been so for entirely too long imo when they have a gay daughter."

"This territory is nothing new to them. She came out to them when she was 18 (she is 31). She had an ex-wife that she was married to for 8 years, and they had a son together. It's truly shocking how close-minded they still are to her lifestyle."

"They've always been pretty cold toward me, when we were dating it was so obvious how differently her straight sisters in their straight relationships were treated. This has always bothered me, but they live about 3 hours away, so I'm able to keep my distance and them out of my mind for the most part."

"My wife has accepted the way they are as just how it is, and she thinks it's worth just letting things be - in order to keep any kind of relationship with them."

The OP explained how that really made her feel.

"This dynamic has always bothered me, but things really came to a head last fall when one of her sisters got married. Her entire family was so involved with every part of the process; it was obviously such a big deal, and they were all super excited."

"At the wedding, my fiancée at the time was a bridesmaid/in the wedding party. I was sat with the rest of the family, who did not acknowledge me, talk to me, interact with me at all the entire time."

"They truly acted as if they had no idea who I was, meanwhile they are fawning over their straight daughter and her marriage while I'm sitting there knowing I'm planning to marry their gay daughter in the next few months."

"It made me really sad and angry. I drew a line. I told my fiancée at the time that the way they acted like I was a ghost was the last straw and that if they want to act like I don't exist, they are also dead to me."

The OP continued:

"Fast forward to now, we are married (eloped, thanks to the scariness of this administration). My wife informs me that her dad and her stepmom want to come visit in a couple of weeks. (They have never once visited us, and are coming bc my wife's son will be on spring break)."

"Apparently, they are planning to stay with us too. I got upset and told my wife I didn't want them in my house. I hate being disrespected when I've done nothing but try my best to be a part of the family and have just gotten rejected over and over again."

"I thought they would come around, but the dynamic was almost worse once we were engaged. I don't know what to do. There's no way my wife will tell them they can't come and she's never been willing to have a conversation with them about this. I just can't imagine being forced to host them. AITAH?"

Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
• NAH - No A**holes Here

Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.

"You have a wife problem."

"If she isn't willing to put her foot down and invites her disrespectful family into your home, I'd make it a point to be absent when they show up and make marriage counseling a condition of your return."

"It's never okay to ignore your spouse's feelings and disregard their concerns. Especially concerning your family of origin." – mrssuperwife3

"NTA. I can't imagine anything worse than having people who ignore me and hate me purely for who I am, suddenly staying in my house."

"I would recommend a proper sit down with your wife to set boundaries and to know that she's got your back. Stop it before it goes too far." – GraveNewWords

"NTA you actually don't need a reason not to let someone stay the night in your house. I don't feel like it is perfectly valid. It's your house, and you get equal say. Overnight guests are two yesses or one no."

"That said, getting upset and emotional here is not gonna help you in any way. You need to collect yourself, sit down with your wife, and tell her that her family is not welcome to stay the night in your home. She has till the end of the week to tell them, or you're going to tell them on [date]. (Make sure you have all of their numbers before you say this)."

'Hi family!! wife informed me you'd be coming to visit on [date]. She is very much looking forward to seeing you all.'

'Sadly, I need to inform you that after some discussion, I'm not able to accommodate overnight guests right now. I do apologize for the inconvenience! We recommend [hotel] or [hotel] as options for accommodations, but Airbnbs are a great option too.'

" 'You are welcome to join us for lunch though. I make a mean [meal]. If you have time, we love [Restaurant], our treat.' Blah blah blah."

"How exactly you word all this is up to you. Be calm, firm, but don't debate, negotiate etc. be respectful but be a broken record if your wife tries to argue. Don't be needlessly annoying, sometimes broken record attitude can come across as cold or insensitive."

"If they come over anyway, walk around the house naked and make sure to get all your favorite NSFW LGBTQ decor out ;) NTA." – No_Perspective_242

"NTA. I say this as a lesbian with very unsupportive parents: you have a wife problem. My wife and I put in a lot of work to make sure we're each as insulated from the other's parental bullsh*t as we want or need to be."

"Many, many lesbian relationships have fallen apart around me because one or both parties has a dysfunctional relationship with their parents they won't work on, acknowledge, or even think about enough to choose to put their partner first."

"We often think this stuff ends with coming out. Few people want to be a lifelong secret. But there's things that still need to happen after public commitment that family know about, and the key one is setting boundaries that work for you and your partner."

"Nonexistent is not an option. If you're making a life with someone, you can't let your vague hope of parental reconciliation or your trauma or conflict avoidance stop you from living a less miserable life."

"Relationships take work! A lot of that work for my wife and I has been about external forces like our family. That's work that still has to be done in order to thrive." – megaglalie

"NTA."

"I have a bigoted MIL. She's married to a white supremacist, and I'm mixed. Nowadays, she's a little more respectful towards me than your ILs are towards you, and she's still not welcome in my home. (Respectful to my face anyway.)"

"You have a wife problem, not just an IL problem. The lack of assertiveness will affect both her and you, for the majority of your lives. My husband had to do some work on himself and now he has a shiny titanium spine. I hope your wife can build up more self esteem and create healthier boundaries."

"Being a doormat will not make her parents less homophobic or more respectful. I'm sorry you're both dealing with this." – Domestic_Supply

"NTA. Your wife needs help. It sounds like she's still in denial about a couple of things that she has to work out in therapy. I understand that family means a lot to her & so she's making concessions to ensure that her parents remain a part of her life. However she is failing to understand that her parents do not accept her & considering it's been 11 years since she came out they probably never will."

"Considering she's married & has a kid, when it comes to letting her homophobic family into the home as guests, it cannot be just her decision. As a mother & wife, you & her son need to be your wife's main priority & not her homophobic parents who cannot fully accept who she is."

"Since her parents cannot respect both homeowners, they should not be allowed to stay in your home. Your home is your safe space. Also, I would be worried about these grandparents being a bad example to the son. He's got homophobic grandparents & his mom is gay!" – SaturdaysaremyFav2

In an update, the OP wrote:

"ETA: thank you everyone for the positive reinforcement and suggestions for how to navigate this tricky situation. Obviously I knew this was an issue before we got married. Again with the family distance and my love and commitment for her, this was not enough to not get married."

"I had told her my red line after her sister's wedding, which was that I would not be participating or traveling for family stuff unless something changed. So this planned visit without my input first was a bit of a shock."

"Since posting, I have told her that she either needs to finally have a conversation with them, ask them to stay in a hotel, or that I will leave for the weekend. After a long discussion she has told me she'll have the conversation. So here's hoping some progress is made!"

Redditors continued backing the OP and said her refusal to have her homophobic in-laws stay with them because it was convenient for them was unacceptable.

Fingers crossed that her wife will have a civil conversation with her parents with a suitable outcome.