Finding a good roommate is an art form, and most of us would do what we could to protect that relationship, so we don't have to find another roommate.
But life keeps moving forward, new milestones are hit, and sometimes, living together isn't the right choice anymore, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor tom_wilson7543 had been living with their roommate for over a year, and they had nothing to complain about, regarding their roommate or their living situation.
But when their roommate's girlfriend started staying over to the point of basically being a bonus roommate, and their roommate defended her being there, the Original Poster (OP) became concerned about whether or not they could continue living there long-term.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for unplugging the WiFi every night because my roommate's girlfriend basically lives here?"
The OP had a great living situation, except for their roommate's girlfriend.
"My friend, now roommate, and I live together in an apartment and have done so for over one year."
"Everything was divided 50/50, including groceries, bills, rent, and so forth."
"His girlfriend is the problem."
"She used to visit a few times a week. Completely typical. After that, it became staying over most evenings. She lives with her parents, so I don't know why she comes here every single time."
"Right now? She is present each and every day. works from our living room, eats our food, sleeps here, and takes showers here. She even began to act as though she lived here by leaving clothes in the restroom."
"However, she makes no payment."
Trying to bring up the cost of living led to the OP's first fight with their roommate.
"I attempted to gently bring it up, saying that because there is now essentially a third person present, we should review utilities."
"He became very defensive, claiming that she was merely her guest and that I was 'counting pennies.'"
"It's not about counting pennies, though."
"It's about a third person basically living in the flat without contributing or even being discussed properly. Just 'a guest' doesn't apply when someone is there every single day, working from my home, showering, eating my food, and leaving their stuff around."
"That's a roommate at that point, not a visitor. A visitor who has been here for three weeks."
The OP did something drastic to try to make a point.
"It's awkward, too, because she's a girl, so I can't really just say it directly to her. I tried bringing it up with my friend, and he immediately got defensive about it, so that didn't really help, either."
"We've only been here about a year, so I'm trying to handle it before it turns into something that messy."
"The thing that pushed me over the edge is the WiFi."
"I work early mornings and need decent internet at night to prep stuff, but she's constantly streaming or gaming. Our connection has gotten noticeably worse."
"So I started unplugging the router at night before I go to bed. Now both of them are mad."
"My roommate says I'm being petty and controlling, and his girlfriend made some comment about me 'not knowing how to share space.'"
"But I didn't agree to live with her."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that they agreed to one roommate when signing, not two.
"You didn't sign on for two roommates. You signed on for one."
"Set boundaries with your roommate. She can stay three nights a week, or she can contribute a third to rent." - MadamUnicornOfDoom
"Ugh. This happened to me. The money didn't bother me so much; it was the thermostat!"
"He wanted it super cold, and I liked it warmer. We agreed on a set temperature. Then his pompous, overbearing girlfriend came for a month-long visit. All of a sudden, the temp went down significantly. I brought it up with him, no change. Leaving the windows open in the winter to make it cooler, etc."
"So, I began having ridiculously loud sex with my boyfriend of the time as petty revenge. Needless to say, we stopped living together after that." - Any-Interaction-5934
"'He became very defensive, claiming that she was merely her guest and that I was 'counting pennies.'" OP, this is called gaslighting. He got extra angry so that you feel bad for bringing it up (them taking advantage of you)."
"Now you're on here asking strangers if you're the a**hole. I'd check the lease and see if there's anything you could do. NTA." - ThisIs_americuhh
"Listen, man, you're gonna be better off explaining to this guy if he's not gonna take the hint, he'll need to move out, or you'll have to."
"They'll just keep making things uncomfortable, and they're two out of three people, so I'd be making s**t very vocal right now seeing as your housemate thinks you're just going to subsidize his girlfriend's stay." - iamkooksymonster
"NTA. You can also edit 'privileges' for certain MAC addresses and throttle their speeds or prioritize your own devices' bandwidth over theirs, so you don't even have to worry about unplugging anything, the router makes you king of the bandwidth." - Chuckums
"NTA. And OP, most landlords will be the bad person for you. I guarantee you that your lease does not say you're allowed to have three people living there full-time. Go talk to the landlord and tell them what's going on. Have them deal with it." - PilotEnvironmental46
"OP, I would check the lease again for the guest policy. I have never rented from anyone or anywhere that doesn't have a guest policy in the lease. Like where I live now, if it's longer than three days, I'm supposed to let my office know. And blah blah. But I would double-check that!!"
"I definitely would revisit the cost if she plans to continue to be there. Everything needs to go in thirds. Unless you just don't want her to live there, regardless if she pays or not, then it might be time to go solo."
"Personally, I would be livid. You are not overreacting at all." - leahntitan1
"Stop turning the modem off and just block her IP address or make it so she's only getting five to ten percent of the internet bandwidth, LOL. I did that to my sister's boyfriend's PlayStation 5, laptop, and phone, and he's always saying our wifi is so s**tty." - Live_Benefit_6619
"Block the MAC address, or she will just get a new IP if she doesn't connect for a week or so."
"I had similar, but routed the network traffic from said internet abuser through a rack of four switches and, quite impressively, an old BNC connection. Instead of just asking what was going on, he got satellite internet fitted." - HerretFerret
"NOR, but you've got a bigger problem here than the WiFi. You've got to decide if you want to have an uncomfortable conversation with your roommate, have it with both of them or accept that this is now your living situation. Sucks either way."
"When he gets defensive, you've gotta be ready for it and have a ready reply."
"Spitballing here, but you could say something like:"
"'We've been roommates for this long, and it's been going good. I don't mind Jane Doe coming to visit; I think she's great. She can stop by for dinner, hang out, watch a movie, or even spend the night. Just not every night.'"
"'Lately, I feel like she's not visiting, but she's living here. I didn't move here to have two roommates, and it's making me uncomfortable, and it's not that it's Jane; it could be anyone.'"
"When you two are having a calm discussion, you can bring up the other practical things, like the food cost and slow Wifi when you need it for work."
"Any chance Jane lost her place, and that's why she's staying there? Doesn't excuse the situation, but it might explain it somewhat, and if so, it'll be an even more difficult conversation. Good Luck!" - Tie_Poe
Others agreed and cringed at the thought of spending alone time with someone else's partner without consent.
"I feel for you. This happened to me, too, and my roommate's boyfriend was there when she wasn't… She worked 13 hours a day, and he was just there… always… and it was creepy for me. He ate all our food. It was infuriating." - jabulaya
"Am I weird? I've always established a 'no guests when you're not at home to entertain them policy' with all my roommates upfront. Sure, exceptions can be made if you have your sister in from out of town for the weekend, but I would never leave a guest in the house for my roommate to entertain. It just seems like it would be awkward for everyone involved." - Time-Performance-916
"I don't get why anyone would expect their roommate to basically host their guest while they're gone, LOL. It's not my friend, I didn't invite them, and now I have to exist in shared space with a stranger? No thanks." - LilyCuteie
"I went through something like this, it was super awkward all the time, and I hated it. I moved home and left her and her boyfriend to deal with it."
"Also, just FYI: if she destroys something in your apartment… she's not on the lease, and you'd be financially liable. Seriously, if your roommate doesn't limit his girlfriend's time there, tell him you need to contact the landlord to amend the contract to add her so she can pay her fair share and assume liability, as well." - trapped_4_lyfe
"My then-girlfriend, now wife, had a roommate who was kind enough to let me live with them for the summer when we were 22. I'd do dishes, take out trash, and help in any way I could."
"One time, the roommate came home while my girlfriend was still at work. I immediately left and went to a friend's place. Some people have no sense of how to behave in those situations." - Endoman13
There was no telling if there was something going on in the roommate's girlfriend's life that was leading her to stay at their place more often, even just the relationship becoming more serious, but clearly, her being there more frequently was impacting the OP's life negatively.
If the roommates wanted this arrangement to work out, a big conversation would be necessary, and something would need to change. But if the girlfriend wanted and needed to be there, it might be time for the OP to start something of their own.
