One recurring theme in relationship advice that seems to be bandied about and then ignored the most is... "Listen. Know your partner before making life altering decisions."
Too often it feels like partners get on separate wavelengths and are oblivious to where the other is when it comes to the state of their union.
And that can lead to some heavy, heavy drama.
Case in point...
Redditor peachythrowawayway wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for publicly humiliating my ex boyfriend?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Okay, so here's a little bit of background information: I (28F[emale]) have been dating my ex (28M[ale]) for 3 years."
"He's amazing, one of the kindest people on this planet, and we've been pretty happy together(ish.)"
"I'm also a huge workaholic, and a month or two ago he approached me and explained he felt like I wasn't making time for him and was too obsessed with work."
"Okay, well fine. Two other people had told me I was too obsessed with work, and it was honestly kind of logical."
"I apologized and started making more time for him."
"Even though he's amazing, I've felt awful in the last month."
"Work is quite literally my whole life, and I have a job I've been working towards since I was 14, and I love it."
"I've always planned to sacrifice a bit of work for family because that's important to me."
"However, the more I spent with him in the last month, the more I felt he wasn't worth it if that makes any sense."
"I love him dearly, but he's not the one."
"He's not the person I'd give up this stuff for, and as more time passed, I realized it more and more, no matter how much I tried to tell myself he was great."
"Two days ago, I finally decided that this relationship was going nowhere, and decided to break up with him."
"I asked him if we could talk, I had something important to say, but the doorbell rang, and when I opened it I found my two best friends for a surprise visit??"
"I was in so much shock and was also mildly upset because I couldn't really break up with him with my best friends there."
"Anyway, long story short he asked if we could continue the conversation later, and I agreed, mentally panicking."
"The next thing I know, we're at a fair."
"We actually went on our first date at that fair, and the whole setup of the night made me panic that he was going to propose."
"What do I know, he does propose."
"Some other friends of ours and his sister and her family are there, and I'm literally panicking."
"This guy is on one knee, and I want to break up. I quickly go 'I'm sorry but no,' and awkwardly shuffle away."
"We talked about getting married once or twice, like months ago."
"Not at all recently, and even when we did talk about it, I think I said I'd be open to getting married in a year or so?"
"I don't know, but anyway."
"His friend called me up and called me an a**hole for rejecting him in front of friends and family and a bunch of other people, and told me I could have accepted there and dumped him later on."
"I told him that that idea was sh*t, and I would never do that."
"He called me an a**hole again, and my ex is refusing to talk to me."
"AITA for humiliating him?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA, I think he could see you were drifting away and tried to lock you in with a public proposal in front of your friends, to pressure you into saying yes."
"Dump him asap, public proposals are manipulative AF unless you're really sure the other person wants one."
"Thank you for the awards :)" ~ SkullBearer5
"NTA. He knew you were drifting away and did a big public proposals in hope of forcing you into a yes."
"Proposals like that are ONLY great if both of these terms are met:"
"You know the person definitely want to marry you."
"The person really love big displays of affection/attention."
"Personally even if I wanted to marry a person - if proposed to in public in a big setting with lots of people - it would end the relationship because it clearly showed that they don't know me at all."
"I hate that kind of attention." ~ Baaastet
"Even if he didn't intentionally do this to put pressure on her, he took a BIG risk in continuing with his plan AFTER she asked him to have a conversation because she had something important to say."
"Yes, the doorbell and friends interrupted. Yes, he already had a plan."
"But at the point where your partner started to talk in 'serious conversation voice' and you decide to go ahead with your preplanned proposal without learning what the important thing was?"
"You've taken the risk that the important thing was going to affect your plans."
"It could be 'my job wants to transfer me' or 'the child I put up for adoption 13 years ago reached out to me' or 'you asked me to cut back on work, but I really want to take an offered promotion.'"
"He took a risk continuing with the proposal while knowing she wanted a serious conversation." ~ MxMirdan
"I disagree. NAH - just humans."
"But I think people are making a leap that HE thought she was drifting away, that the public proposal was bad idea."
"Look at the facts as he had known them."
"Only a few months earlier they spoke of marriage, she agreed to cut down on work so clearly he thought she would say yes and was on the same page."
"Why I say NAH... he did what he thought was right, and her heart came to the realization that she was just not into it and panicked."
"I feel terrible for this good man, and sad for OP... he did nothing wrong and she had a strong reaction." ~ LackVegetable
"NTA, public proposals are extremely manipulative."
"My dad (41m) proposed to my step mother(40f) a few years ago and are now happily married, my dad had asked me (17m) and my sister (11f) to be there."
"It wasn't big and it was 'perfect as described by my stepmom.'"
"My (ex) godmother was proposed to similar to OP and she said yes, she then quietly rejected him later."
"She was berated by his and her families for this."
"OP chose the alternative and both paths just make the person seem like TA." ~ AshesArsxn
"OP is NTA, the bf is TA for doing a public proposal without being absolutely sure that OP was on board first."
"However, I 100% would have taken my best friends to the side and sorted this out before it got to the proposal stage."
"A quick comment to my besties (something along the lines of I'm getting nervous that he's about to propose and I would absolutely hate a public proposal, it would not end well for him)."
"They then take the (ex) bf to the side and let him know so he can stop it before the stage of public humiliation and embarrassment for everyone." ~ Wynfleue
"NTA. If you propose in public without being 100% sure this is wanted and desired, you run the risk of being rejected in public." ~ MaggieLuisa
"Yes this! Also you should ALWAYS ask a partner what they envision for a proposal (including timing and privacy/location)."
"The fact that it was discussed a couple months ago and OP said maybe in a year means they DID discuss stuff in some capacity and ex chose to ignore it, and for that alone NTA."
"I also cannot imagine ex didn't feel OP drifting away."
"Either he was so into his own excitement that she picked him over work that he ignored her reactions/unhappiness OR he felt her drifting away and tried to lock her into the relationship with a public proposal." ~j ustauser34
"You didn't embarrass him."
"He asked you a question and you gave an appropriate response. The reason he was embarrassed was because he did it to himself."
"When you have to deal with him again tell him this. I didn't embarrass, YOU embarrassed you."
"I'm guessing he invited the friends over without telling you."
"NTA. You gave the honest answer, that was the only decent thing to do." ~ BeatingsGalore
"NTA. That's why you don't do a public proposal unless you are 100% certain of the answer."
"He rolled the dice and lost."
"I'm sorry your relationship ended, but it's better than agreeing to something you don't want. Good luck to you." ~ seahawk1977
"NAH- You decided you want to end the relationship and you have every right to."
"However, you guys have been together for 3 years and discussed marriage a few months ago."
"You told him you'd be open to getting married in a year or so."
"After you get engaged you gotta plan a wedding etc so it makes sense why he did it when he did."
"I think in his mind this is what you both wanted so he invited everyone to be there."
"It sucks that it played out this way but you're in no way an AH." ~ ThePeoplesKourt
That one hurt, for everybody involved.
Love, life and forever can be tricky.
Remember, communication is key in all relationships.
Hopefully OP and her ex can get back on solid ground one day—as friends.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.