We all say things we don't necessarily intend to.
Whether it's a quick snarky comment or a hidden truth, or even the occasional lie, something in us just blurts out words.
What happens, though, when this thing you've said isn't just blurted out, it's encouraged?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Chance-Persimmon-164 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for calling out my ex's new wife for being unemployed"
OP began with a detailed history.
"This is a weird title but here's what actually happened."
"My ex and I broke up 5 years ago after a year-long relationship, he broke up with me and I took it very hard back then."
"I can't say I did anything crazy, aside from a few weeks after the break up getting really drunk on a night out and sending him some embarrassing texts."
"It was the worst heartbreak I've ever had, and it didn't help that he kept messaging me to be 'friends' even though I tried to set boundaries and say I need space to heal."
"Anyways, that's all in the past."
"I can confidently say that I have indeed healed from that and am over him."
"He recently got married to a girl he started dating like 2 months after we broke up."
"Honestly, I'm happy for him. Good for them."
"Me, on the other hand, I've dated since then but haven't been able to find anyone worth marrying; I haven't even had another serious relationship since him."
"He's still in the periphery of my social circle because we still have a lot of mutual friends from uni."
"And sometimes I see both of them in social settings."
"While he and I have buried the hatchet and usually just chat when we happen to be in the same room for a bit (although we never text or meet up outside of these contexts)."
"His wife and I have always treated each other with polite disinterest."
"I know she really doesn't like me."
"An important note about her is that she's been unemployed for a loooong time."
"Idk if it's because she wants to be a stay-at-home-wife (completely valid choice if that's her thing!) or because she's been unable to find work, but she hasn't worked in many years despite having a master's degree."
"I've been really able to advance in my career in the past 5 years, and I'm quite far ahead in my field for someone my age and I'm very proud of myself because I worked extremely hard."
"Anyways here's the issue: the other day a bunch of people went for drinks. I came."
"They were both there."
"We were all sitting at the same table in a bar."
Everything was fine, until...
"Someone I haven't seen in a while asked me if I'm dating anyone."
"I replied 'no, not right now.' My ex's wife quickly made a snarky comment 'aw it's okay, some people just stay single' in front of everyone, like 10 of our friends."
"Without missing a beat, I blurted out 'yeah just like some people are meant to stay unemployed"'.
"She got really upset, cried, and left."
"Her husband messaged me that I should apologize to her for embarrassing her. I said I will if she apologizes first."
"He said she refused because what I said was worse, apparently."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Commenters pointed out that ex's wife struck first.
"LOL not the way I thought this would go."
"NTA."
"She gave it out, but couldn't take it lol" ~ ThrowAwayCatBalloon
"That's the thing tho.....who cares if it was harder?"
"It's still not OP's fault."
"If someone comes up and punches me (out of the blue/unprovoked) you better believe I'm punching back HARDER (if I can of course)"
"You can't start sh*t and then complain when they retaliate, no matter how hard they retaliate." ~ princeoinkins
"Don't start none, won't be none." ~ Fromashination
"NTA."
"People need to learn not to start sh*t unless they can handle someone else finishing it for them."
"I have zero sympathy for a**holes that are inexplicably rude and then have the audacity to act offended when the object of their rudeness fails to passively accept it. ~ BringBackBowie
Some commenters thought there were bigger issues.
"NTA"
"What she did and said was uncalled for, what you replied with is GOLD lol."
"She seems jealous of your achievements and the fact that her husband still keeps contact with you. It seems like a lot of insecurity on her end."
"Even though you are on good terms with your ex now, do you think it's possible to cut ties with him?"
"It just seems like his wife gets a kick out of trying to berate you."
"He will always have to take her side since she is his life partner now. I just feel like it's going to cause a weird drift in your social circle if she keeps getting included, and she will because she is his wife." ~ AshleyB7172000
"It doesn't sound like she has anything to do with him."
"They interact in group settings, where both of them are invited, and not outside of that."
"Why is it on her to either get a new friend group or not go to group get-togethers where they are? If the new wife can't behave, she should stay home." ~ cedarfigx
"'She seems jealous of your achievements and the fact that her husband still keeps contact with you. It seems like a lot of insecurity on her end.'"
"^^This, even if they aren't keeping contact on purpose, New Wife is jealous of the fact that you have a more established place not just within the friend group but also a perceived place in your ex's life just due to being there longer than her."
"She's lashing out from insecurity and was surprised Pikachu at reaping exactly what she sewed. If she wants an apology, she can dish one first just like she did with her snark."
"NTA OP, and that response was 👨🍳💋 (chef's kiss if my emojis don't come through)" ~ 11Halloween22
For many, an apology was out of the question.
"NTA.You should not apologize."
"Her claws came out, your claws came out with a meaningful retort."
"Unless you've done something you are truly remorseful for, an apology is made in the interest of maintaining a relationship."
"You don't want or need to maintain a relationship with this girl. She tried to publicly humiliate you and it backfired."
"Can't handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen." ~ AryaIsWaif
"This right here."
"As my therapist says, How invested are you in salvaging this relationship? That's how much energy you should put into the apology." ~ Loquat_Green
Commenters pointed out consequences are still a thing.
"NTA."
"People on this app really say take the high road over everything but that's exactly how we got to the point where people say sh*t like your ex's wife did and how so many think they are the victims."
"As someone else said 'Don't throw stones if u live in a glass house' or some sh*t."
"She made a rude and unnecessary comment, which you replied back within the exact same manner and 'aggression'".
"Honestly the whole backstory of her being with your ex was irrelevant."
"This doesn't seem like a jealousy or resentment thing."
"You were literally just replying in the exact same tone with the same type of reply. Don't dish it if you can't take it!" ~ weist-risq
"Exactly."
"Taking the high road only works if the rest of the social circle expresses disdain at the behavior either by looks, behavior or by saying something."
"If someone had said 'why would you say that to OP?'"
"Or start avoiding her, she might learn, but if OP just says nothing and looks embarrassed and the rest of the social circle is not willing to say/do anything themselves, the ex's wife's behavior will only get worse and OP will be a doormat."
"The trouble with escalating behavior is that it escalates because no one says anything."
"If you take the high road ALL the time, and no one else says anything, it just leaves the rude person with the idea that everyone agrees with them." ~ ritan7471
There were even personal stories.
"'NTA. She was snarky first. You just replied in the same tone.'"
"A woman I used to work with hated me."
"No clue why but from day one she did not like me."
"She was about 10-15 years older than me and had worked for the company for many years more than I had."
"Several years into working together we both happened to buy new cars of the same brand but different levels."
"I congratulated her on her new vehicle and she said 'Husband and I looked at your model but decided it wasn't nice enough'".
"Before I could stop myself I responded with, 'oh that's great! We compared mine with your model and just decided it looked like an old lady car"'.
"I got called into the big boss's office for that and when I explained my side he honestly laughed so hard I thought he would pass out." ~ dogsandpeaceohmy
Words are the most powerful tool we have.
Use them carefully (and hilariously) as you see fit!
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.