Relationships are never split evenly.
Whether we're talking about friendships, co-workers or lovers, the division of labor and resources is never perfect.
So, the question becomes how to navigate the disparity and what happens when one side seems to relish in that imbalance.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) InteractionFirst5109 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA For Refusing To Venmo My Friend For Pizza & Possibly Ending The Entire Friendship Over It?"
A quick introduction.
"I (26F) have been best friends with Dawn (30F)."
"Dawn lives alone, does not have a license, and works full time."
"I work full time as well, I have a car and make significantly more money than Dawn."
"From the start of our friendship/ any relationship I am in I've always been someone who doesn't mind picking up the tab, driving, hosting, cooking, etc., and do these things without any expectation of anything in return."
"As my love language is acts of service and giving."
A shift in behavior.
"Within the last year of our friendship I've noticed Dawn stopped bringing cash out, when we went out."
"I thought this was rude so started asking for split bills, every time I did this Dawn would make it known how 'poor' she is and I noticed her bringing up financials all the time."
"This made me uncomfortable and honestly annoyed because Dawn is not poor, Dawn just lives like she's a millionaire, Ubers everywhere, doordash every meal, Starbucks everyday, going out to the bar every night, etc."
"On Friday Dawn and I went out and I drove us( like I always do), paid for dinner and a drink, then took us home and we continued drinking at her place."
"A few hours later Dawn asks if I wanted to get pizza delivered I said sure."
"With the promo she had the pizza costs 15$ish dollars delivery charge included and when it arrived she told me I wasn't allowed to have a slice until I venmo her $7.50."
OP took a stand.
"I don't know why this is when I snapped, but I did and I told her it hurts my feelings that I feel like I do a lot for her and this is ridiculous."
"She then says 'I'm poor and you're rich' and then I really snapped and told her that she's not poor, she's broke. - I said this because she makes good money, she's just f*cking terrible with it."
"For info - I do make a significant amount more than her and maybe that makes me the a**hole."
"I also don't feel great about throwing the things I've done for her in the past in her face during this argument, as I really did do those out of love and never with the intentions of anything in return."
OP was left to wonder,
"Am I the a**hole for thinking it's ridiculous to ask me for $7.50?".
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
The entitlement.
"NTA. If she wanted to split the pizza bill, she should have said that before ordering."
"The way she asked - venmo before eating - is insanely rude even if you hadn't already paid for a lot."
"It's clear she feels entitled to your money, which isn't reasonable even if you do make more than her." ~ reggiesnap
"NTA."
"This 'friend' is using you."
"If you want to maintain contact set ground rules moving forward."
"Like everything you do you pay for your own."
"Watch how fast she stops coming around or asking to do things."
"She's greedy. Poor with money and feels entitled to yours."
"Boundaries or nada moving forward." ~ thinkingwhynot
"I've been in a similar situation as OP."
"I did so much for my friend from covering rent (we were roommates), paying for all of the groceries, to even helping her get makeup and fake nails."
"I did it all because i cared for her, and i wanted her to be happy."
"She ended up not paying me back for anything i did in any way, shape, or form, not even a thank you from her after a while."
"She just expected it from me."
"So when she did have an opportunity to do a little something nice for me, for absolutely free might i add, and she just 'didn't think about it' I moved tf out and blocked her on everything."
"NTA OP: I've been there and done that. Nothing will change or get better if you don't stand your ground and draw a boundry. I hope you can keep this energy for future friends." ~ GaiboiMclovin
"'This 'friend' is using you'"
"And is rather short-sighted as well, I have to say."
"If she had just been a little less overt, it sounds like she could've kept the gravy train going indefinitely."
"Instead, she's blown things up over not being willing to chip in a few bucks every once in a while." ~
scarves_and_miracles
Dawn's motivations might be sinister.
"NTA"
"She's been taking advantage of you for a while."
"It's always hard to know who your friends are when money's involved."
"It's one thing to have everybody at the table taking out their money and one person saying 'I've got this' and a completely different thing for everyone at the table to not bring money because one person often covers the whole check." ~ AgentAlpo
"👆🏾 This."
"OP, you need to listen to this. Dawn is taking advantage of you, and I dare say your love language will continue to make you vulnerable to this type of dependence or outright leeching."
"Life lesson:"
"You need to be more circumspect with how you share favors with people."
"Do it only with people who are of the same mindset."
"Mindset doesn't mean they need to be of the same income level or even that they match your generosity 1:1 by picking up the tab every other time..."
"No, rather that they make the offer (and are genuinely willing to pay) on some occasions and do not have an expectation that you'll pick up the tab."
"You'll have more inner peace and honestly, you'll feel better about your generosity because you know it is truly appreciated and not seen as an entitlement."
"Dawn's friendship is 100% worth losing, but I think you already knew that."
"NTA." ~ Consistent-Annual268
Money Management?
"NTA- I am so sick of financially irresponsible people claiming to be poor or being mad at rich people."
"I literally argued with a girl making $280k!!! Who was talking about she can't afford to live in the Bay Area and how it was millionaires fault."
"Like maybe don't argue with driving your $70k vehicle and in your designer cloths while you have $1000 delivery app fee each month" ~ Drew_P_Nuts
"I'm right there with you. Having better money management would make a lot of 'poor' people seem not so poor."
"My husband and I make under 70k a year combined with 2 kids."
"And I would never call us poor because we make due and it absolutely grinds my gears when I see people make double what we do and complain about money and expect us to pick up tabs because we don't complain about being poor so we must have more money."
"Your friend clearly prioritizes her own luxuries over being a decent friend." ~ Mo-2s2
"Poor and broke are 2 different things."
"I grew up poor, like being food insecure and housing insecure at certain points."
"There is no extra money."
"I've been broke, so to speak, in the past."
"But, you friend is just using you."
"She sees nothing wrong with mooching off of you and probably others, even though she refuses to manage her money better."
"This isn't the kind of friend you need." ~ bloodrose_80
Guilt.
"You don't need to feel guilty."
"There is a huge difference in offering to pay a bit more sometimes, or treating someone, because you know you earn more, and feeling obligated to do it every time, or, worse, have someone assume that they are entitled to it."
"Think about why you were friends in the first place, and whether she is someone you still have things in common with and enjoy spending time with."
"IF so, then great. If not - well, people grow and change, and sometimes they grown apart. That doesn't make either of you bad people."
"If you do still feel that you have enough in common that you want to stay friends, then think about how much you are prepared to do -"
"That might mean that you are willing to drive her and not ask for gas money but don[t want to pay the bills for food or events, it might mean that you insist that you split bills evenly but decide that you are happy to cover the tip."
"IT might mean that you are clear with her tht you feel the financial expectations are making you feel used so you want to revert to hanging out without doing stuff that costs money / much money."
"Or that you want to agree up front that any costs will be split 50/50 , and then see how she responds." ~ ProfessorYaffle1
The division of labor or resources or time isn't really the point here.
There's no even split that's going to be perfect all the time across any sort of relationship and the real question is are all parties giving all they can?
Be kind.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.