Surprise parties are not everyone's cup of tea.
Public displays that make them the center of attention are not everyone's cup of tea either.
For people with anxiety disorders or PTSD, both of those things can be more panic than happiness inducing. And one would expect their significant other to know that.
But what if your spouse ignored your anxiety to give the party they want for your birthday?
A Redditor dealing with that issue turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on their response.
The Redditor asked:
"AITA for embarrassing my husband by leaving my party and going home?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last Saturday my husband and eight of our friends went to a local pub to celebrate my 40th birthday. Restrictions where I live are loosened so we thought we would go and have a nice meal and chat with friends that we haven't been able to spend time with in over a year."
"I am very introverted and shy. I do not like large groups of people, and I start getting anxious and have trouble breathing in very loud environments."
"My husband knows this, and is aware of this, and has been throughout the entirety of our 18 year marriage."
"When we go to the restaurant he was acting very odd, I just chalked it up to it being our first time in a restaurant in over a year. Right after we finished eating he excused himself to go to the restroom."
"About five minutes later he returns with a giant balloon bouquet, a cake and a line of wait staff behind him clapping and singing. All of our friends at the table were recording me on their phones, people at other tables were clapping and all I wanted to do was crawl under the table and hide."
"The noise was unbearable to me, I started sweating and shaking and couldn't breathe so I excused myself from the table and left the restaurant."
"I took an Uber home and left my husband at the restaurant (he drove his car), with everyone else. When I got home, I just laid in the bed and cried."
"I felt humiliated."
"He came home an hour later yelling at me and accusing me of embarrassing him. I yelled back that he knew I do not like things like that, and he knows how I feel about it."
"I told him that he completely humiliated me in front of all of our friends and complete strangers. He said that it was my 40th birthday and I should be grateful to him for planning such an event."
"I told him I was not grateful, that he did not consider my feelings at all, and that he truly betrayed me by doing this."
"He is currently not speaking to me, he says that I need to send an apology text to all of our friends and make things right. He also says that he will not speak to me until I apologize to him for making a scene at the restaurant."
"AITA for leaving the restaurant and embarrassing him?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. He tried to do a kind gesture, but at this point in your marriage he should have known how uncomfortable it would have made you."
"'...he says that I need to send an apology text to all of our friends and make things right'."
"[Tell them] 'I'm sorry you had to witness my husband humiliating me in public. He knows that was the last thing I would ever want to live through. I'm also sorry you felt the need to record it'." ~ bigb*ttf*ker
"NTA. I've noticed that oftentimes when someone plans these kind of surprise parties, it's for the pats they get on the back for it, and less about what the birthday person really wants."
"Instead of coming home to see if you were okay, he came in yelling and demanding apologies. I'm sorry, OP. I'm sure your real friends will understand if your husband doesn't." ~ truthpastry
"I agree, NTA. The partner wanted to do 'something nice for her birthday' and did his idea of that, not what OP would want."
"You can do something nice and special in private without triggering anxieties." ~ Piebandit
"Agree with NTA. Also you can create surprise parties that aren't overwhelming!"
"When I turned 21, my bff threw me a small party with 8 of our friends as she knew that I struggle with large crowds."
"It was perfect! And I still think of it fondly." ~ Disobedient_Bathing
The OP returned with an update.
"Thank you for all of your replies. I appreciate everyone of you for commenting and giving such thoughtful and kind advice."
"Even the people calling me an AH, I appreciate your honesty."
"I just wanted to say that I have been diagnosed with anxiety. I've also been diagnosed with PTSD."
"This is from an abusive childhood. I have been in therapy for 22 years and my husband is well aware of my diagnoses and also my triggers."
"He comes to counseling with me once a month."
"We did speak a little while ago and he did apologize. He said he wanted to do something nice for me and was hurt that it didn't go like he planned."
"I told him that what he did was not okay and it really hurt me that I trusted him and thought he understood how I would feel about something like this. I told him he tricked me into thinking it was a meal with friends and it was a terrible thing to do."
"My friends know that I have anxiety but not how bad. This was the first time they ever saw me have an anxiety attack."
If you want to do something nice for a loved one, taking their needs into account should be paramount.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.