There is a difference between being close to your parents and just blindly agreeing with everything they say.
Redditor Complex-Mushroom2934 encountered this very issue with her boyfriend's mom. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to be around my boyfriend's mother?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My boyfriend (20M) and I (20F) have been dating for around two years now and you could say that it's getting pretty serious. I love him a lot and I get along with his family nicely."
"His mom though, is a whole different story."
"Now, I respect his mother - she is my elder. We don't really have a ' bond ' because of the age difference and, well....her personality."
"She's unpredictable, rude, has a 'holier than thou' persona and always has to be in the right. She insults people for the smallest of things and tries too hard to seem intimidating."
OP decided to change her look.
"In August of last year, I cut off all of my hair into a pixie style and have had it ever sice."
"I love it, I feel so feminine and my head isn't overheating in the summer anymore. My boyfriend doesn't like it too much but he accepted it."
"When his mom saw me, she started 'joking' by :"
"Calling my boyfriend the f slur. Calling me a 'girlboyfriend' ( rough translation). Calling me a 'male version of my name' which doesn't really exist."
"She recently asked about some of my 'new acne' and if they were from 'the lack of f**king' in front of my boyfriend's uncle and grandmother and laughed."
"This is a woman in her late 40s who actually finds those things funny and entertaining - nothing inappropriate here at all."
OP disagrees.
"I don't find them funny at all."
"I've been bullied through most of my life, I'm anxious and insecure about my appearance (acne spot scars)."
"I talked to my boyfriend and told him that I'm setting boundaries by not wanting to be around his mother, at least for now. He doesn't see the issue."
"He wants me to talk to her and tell her about it but I'm really not comfortable about that since she is very unpredictable with her emotions."
"AITA?"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA and if he's not defending you, either go to therapy (if possible) or run away. A mommas boy is almost never worth the trouble." ~ rosegoldopal
"I dated a momma's boy for five years. It doesn't matter how perfect he is the rest of the time. If he sides with his mother when she is very clearly in the wrong, you will be fighting these battles as long as your relationship lasts."
"I'm not saying you should dump him immediately, but do take this seriously."
"Edited to add NTA." ~ -snufkin
"4.5 years for me and I cannot agree with you enough! My ex once told me that his Mum just wanted to recommend ways I could improve myself and she just wanted me to 'bend my will to hers,' and I didn't need to argue with her about it."
"Even then I continued to date him for several years. I was 19 when we started dating and now I look back as a 35 year old and wonder how I never told her where to stick her opinions."
"NTA OP, and as another Mummy's Boy Graduate I highly recommend that you take a long look at the kind of future you want." ~ NannyOggsKnickers
"Four years, when I was around OP's age. Never again."
"If I had to give anyone dating to give one piece of advice it would be: If they don't treat their mother kindly, walk away. If they treat their mother too kindly, fucking run!" ~ pokethejellyfish
Most agreed OP was right for sticking up for herself.
"Dump him. No really. You end up married to a persons family and life is too short to put up with that woman. I know it sounds harsh but it's real. If you want to know why go over to r/justnoMIL Nothing but drama awaits you."
"It never ends until they die and who wants to bother with that. The only way it's worth it to stay with someone with toxic family is if they, of their own initiative (that's the crucial part) are willing to put up and enforce strong boundaries. NTA." ~ LuckOfTheDevil
"Agree. Mom sounds like classic narcissist so talking to her will not help at all, as narcissists don't see anything wrong with their behavior."
"The fact that BF wants OP to talk to mum shows that he doesn't really see anything wrong with that behavior either; or if he does see it as wrong he thinks it's ok for OP to tell his mum to back off, instead of dealing with it himself; as he should as it is his mom." ~ JosBenson
"NTA. And dump him."
"I know that seems extreme but a good friend of mine married the guy she met at 18 and her mother in law has been torturing her for 20 years and now has turned that awful behavior to her own grandchildren."
"You might have another 40 YEARS of this behavior or ask your boyfriend to choose and that's whole other issue that can backfire. Especially if he doesn't take anything wrong with her behavior." ~ KittensNCheeze4Life
Redditors argued respect is earned.
"NTA."
"'I respect his mother - she is my elder'"
"You don't necessarily have to respect people just because they're older than you. I think the original concept was to do with special consideration for the elderly, not just deferring to your 40-something mother-in-law." ~ WebbieVanderquack
"Agreed. My first thought upon seeing that was, 'so fucking what?'"
"The trope, 'respect your elders' has long since been tossed out of the window seeing how corrupt, sexist, misogynistic, and racist the majority of old people are. And how they expect respect and never give it."
"Respect all people until they give you a reason not to. And op... she's given you enough reason to straight up say to your bf, 'I will not be allowing this woman in my life any longer' there is literally zero good reason you should have to be treated this way and you have every right to not allow a person who treats you like this around you."
"You also have more of a bf issue than a MIL issue... he thinks you should talk to her??? What!? The fact that he wasn't immediately very angry at his mom on your behalf is a HUGE issue and also a glimpse into the next 50 years if you stay with him...." ~ Xxtratourettestriall
It is never okay to insult or disrespect someone like that.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.