There is a difference between being close to your parents and just blindly agreeing with everything they say.
Redditor Complex-Mushroom2934 encountered this very issue with her boyfriend’s mom. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for refusing to be around my boyfriend’s mother?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend (20M) and I (20F) have been dating for around two years now and you could say that it’s getting pretty serious. I love him a lot and I get along with his family nicely.”
“His mom though, is a whole different story.”
“Now, I respect his mother – she is my elder. We don’t really have a ‘ bond ‘ because of the age difference and, well….her personality.”
“She’s unpredictable, rude, has a ‘holier than thou’ persona and always has to be in the right. She insults people for the smallest of things and tries too hard to seem intimidating.”
OP decided to change her look.
“In August of last year, I cut off all of my hair into a pixie style and have had it ever sice.”
“I love it, I feel so feminine and my head isn’t overheating in the summer anymore. My boyfriend doesn’t like it too much but he accepted it.”
“When his mom saw me, she started ‘joking’ by :”
“Calling my boyfriend the f slur. Calling me a ‘girlboyfriend’ ( rough translation). Calling me a ‘male version of my name’ which doesn’t really exist.”
“She recently asked about some of my ‘new acne’ and if they were from ‘the lack of f**king’ in front of my boyfriend’s uncle and grandmother and laughed.”
“This is a woman in her late 40s who actually finds those things funny and entertaining – nothing inappropriate here at all.”
“I don’t find them funny at all.”
“I’ve been bullied through most of my life, I’m anxious and insecure about my appearance (acne spot scars).”
“I talked to my boyfriend and told him that I’m setting boundaries by not wanting to be around his mother, at least for now. He doesn’t see the issue.”
“He wants me to talk to her and tell her about it but I’m really not comfortable about that since she is very unpredictable with her emotions.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA and if he’s not defending you, either go to therapy (if possible) or run away. A mommas boy is almost never worth the trouble.” ~ rosegoldopal
“I dated a momma’s boy for five years. It doesn’t matter how perfect he is the rest of the time. If he sides with his mother when she is very clearly in the wrong, you will be fighting these battles as long as your relationship lasts.”
“I’m not saying you should dump him immediately, but do take this seriously.”
“Edited to add NTA.” ~ -snufkin
“4.5 years for me and I cannot agree with you enough! My ex once told me that his Mum just wanted to recommend ways I could improve myself and she just wanted me to ‘bend my will to hers,’ and I didn’t need to argue with her about it.”
“Even then I continued to date him for several years. I was 19 when we started dating and now I look back as a 35 year old and wonder how I never told her where to stick her opinions.”
“NTA OP, and as another Mummy’s Boy Graduate I highly recommend that you take a long look at the kind of future you want.” ~ NannyOggsKnickers
“Four years, when I was around OP’s age. Never again.”
“If I had to give anyone dating to give one piece of advice it would be: If they don’t treat their mother kindly, walk away. If they treat their mother too kindly, fucking run!” ~ pokethejellyfish
Most agreed OP was right for sticking up for herself.
“Dump him. No really. You end up married to a persons family and life is too short to put up with that woman. I know it sounds harsh but it’s real. If you want to know why go over to r/justnoMIL Nothing but drama awaits you.”
“It never ends until they die and who wants to bother with that. The only way it’s worth it to stay with someone with toxic family is if they, of their own initiative (that’s the crucial part) are willing to put up and enforce strong boundaries. NTA.” ~ LuckOfTheDevil
“Agree. Mom sounds like classic narcissist so talking to her will not help at all, as narcissists don’t see anything wrong with their behavior.”
“The fact that BF wants OP to talk to mum shows that he doesn’t really see anything wrong with that behavior either; or if he does see it as wrong he thinks it’s ok for OP to tell his mum to back off, instead of dealing with it himself; as he should as it is his mom.” ~ JosBenson
“NTA. And dump him.”
“I know that seems extreme but a good friend of mine married the guy she met at 18 and her mother in law has been torturing her for 20 years and now has turned that awful behavior to her own grandchildren.”
“You might have another 40 YEARS of this behavior or ask your boyfriend to choose and that’s whole other issue that can backfire. Especially if he doesn’t take anything wrong with her behavior.” ~ KittensNCheeze4Life
Redditors argued respect is earned.
“‘I respect his mother – she is my elder'”
“You don’t necessarily have to respect people just because they’re older than you. I think the original concept was to do with special consideration for the elderly, not just deferring to your 40-something mother-in-law.” ~ WebbieVanderquack
“Agreed. My first thought upon seeing that was, ‘so fucking what?'”
“The trope, ‘respect your elders’ has long since been tossed out of the window seeing how corrupt, sexist, misogynistic, and racist the majority of old people are. And how they expect respect and never give it.”
“Respect all people until they give you a reason not to. And op… she’s given you enough reason to straight up say to your bf, ‘I will not be allowing this woman in my life any longer’ there is literally zero good reason you should have to be treated this way and you have every right to not allow a person who treats you like this around you.”
“You also have more of a bf issue than a MIL issue… he thinks you should talk to her??? What!? The fact that he wasn’t immediately very angry at his mom on your behalf is a HUGE issue and also a glimpse into the next 50 years if you stay with him….” ~ Xxtratourettestriall
It is never okay to insult or disrespect someone like that.